I dated someone for around 8 months a couple of years ago. It was undoubtedly a really good time. I really enjoyed my experience with him but couldn’t see myself being with him long term. He seemed really good on paper, but we definitely had different values. When some of our interactions started making me anxious, I ended it.
I think he felt a little blindsided and we stayed in touch for a couple of months before he started dating someone else. I do think I also kept in touch for a bit hoping that maybe we’d reconcile.
For the past year, I’ve been seeing someone who I really like and can see myself being with long term. I love him, we have a ton of fun together, and I can’t see myself being with anyone else.
BUT I STILL THINK ABOUT MY EX ALMOST DAILY. And I have no idea why! I’m not missing any closure. I don’t want to go back to him. I have other exes that I don’t ever think about. I’m really happy right now so I just don’t get it.
The thoughts I have are just memories of things we did or thoughts of how he’s doing. Occasionally I think of how he’s feeling in his new relationship and of course if he’s happier than when he was with me.
I really feel bad for having these thoughts when I’m doing so well with my new person! He doesn’t give me any reason to feel anxious and I really enjoy him and want to be with him. In fact, if you put both of them in front of me, I would choose my current partner.
So I don’t know… maybe I’m just venting or looking for some commiseration. Can anyone relate? And does anyone have any tips for me?
38 comments
Trump supporter?
I wouldn’t be too worried about the kinds of thoughts you’re having. Someone you spent 8 months of your life with is ultimately now part of your identity, and it’s normal to remember them just as much as it’s normal to reminisce about the other good or bad times in your life. I’m very much over them, and granted it’s not daily, but I still think about people I dated in college and even in high school. Someone you’ve spent 8 months with is simply an important part of your past. Hell, I even still think about my elementary school best friend. We don’t keep in contact (I haven’t heard from him since probably high school), and there was never any romantic interest or anything, but he was my best friend, and I think it would be crazy of me to forget him.
As to the frequency you think about it, I wouldn’t worry too much about that either. Was he your first (major) relationship? Have you had any major relationships since then? It sounds like he was just a very big milestone for you. Even if you’re over it, I think it’s completely normal (and even important!) to keep these things in the back of your head.
U not over him then.
He was a part of 8 months of your life. I dated my ex my whole 20s. I think about him if something reminds me of him. Think it’s normal
Would you date him again alongside the new one if that was something permissible in society ? The answer should tell you whats up
I dunno, it feels like there’s something to discuss if the person you’re with for a year is still in competition in your thoughts with someone you saw for 8 months. Maybe this new person is great but not as exciting or mysterious (ie making you anxious) and you need to resolve that possible tension? I really don’t know but perhaps you miss something deep down that this newer person doesn’t provide and you have more closure to get than you think?
Cause the whole “Are they happier with this new person than with me?” sounds strongly like a person not over the ex.
I can kind of relate to this, as random thoughts will pop up into my head about past exes that have had a large impact on shaping me and my life. Even while right now I’m in a new relationship, I’ve come to view those thoughts as flickers in the night and just allow myself to let them go as quickly as they came. We’ve made emotional connections with our exes, that can be disputed – it’s really the cliche of they were part of those past seasons of our lives, and we are moving forward into a new season. Change is hard. Love will look and feel differently in each relationship, it’s tough not to compare.
This is probably something to work through with a therapist. Wild hair thought since this happens to me when I enter relationships (sometimes) is my brain is triggered by [unknown to me on the face of it trigger] that could have nothing to do with my real time experience. The trigger could be from childhood and my brain is feeding me information that it thinks is related especially if it’s obsessive. I dated someone for a short period of time and my brain would obsessively fixate on him in every new relationship including really healthy ones. Also sometimes even in the healthy partnerships I would be “triggered” by some subtle nuanced things and boom I’d be thinking about that ex. This went on for way too long and I realized it’s because my ex was hot toxic garbage and my brain would perceive other less toxic experiences as akin to hot toxic garbage ex of which like you I was extremely anxious – walk on eggshells with hot toxic garbage ex.
I don’t even think about him now. Outside of Reddit you wouldn’t know he exists. I’ve had therapy for over a year and never mentioned him to my therapist even.
It’s probably nothing, but if you want to find out what’s wrong you might do this:
when I want to find out why I feel a certain way about a topic/person/experience I conduct thought experiments with myself. I confront myself with a probable “truth” that I think I very strongly try to push away from myself. I say it to myself, aloud or just as a full sentence in thoughts or in text and I try to notice my reaction to it. Am I suddelny afraid? Angry? Sad? Am I attracted to it or am I repulsed?
Example phrases might be: I miss the physicality. My gut still wonders what might be. He was one who “got away” (even if you broke it off). Whatever you say, it’s all private in your head. Noone will hear it, just you.
But be warned. I feel very comfortable with walking around the stuff that’s lodging in my mind. Some people do not. If you find that it’s the case with you, and, more importantly, if you FEEL that it’s something important (the thought about this ex) – talk to a specialist. I Think it does not need to be a full blown therapy, maybe a few meetings.
But, as mentioned at the beginning, it might just be nothing. Try to confront yourself with some thoughts that are also around this notion, that it’s just something small. You might just get a “aha!” reaction which will tell you that’s it.
Is thinking about your ex interfering in any way with your new relationship?
I have never been in your position but I sometimes find myself thinking about people from my past and ask myself the same questions you have. For me, I think it is because I consider myself being a caring person and, even when people are not very nice or “right” for me, I still care about them. This might also be your case
Either it was 1 month or 1 year
And ex leaves an imprint in our lives because we allowed them to be part of our life.
It is normal to be thinking of an ex and how they are doing while out dating.
Where the problem lies is if you’re comparing dates to how your ex treated you and want your dates to be more like your ex
That’s normal. I still think about most of my exes from time to time. As your life moves forward and you have more experiences to “overwrite” the experiences you had with your ex, you’ll think about him less and less.
You can’t control your thoughts, but you can control the way your respond to your thoughts. Enjoy your new relationship and don’t let your totally normal memories get in the way.
Here’s a tip. You lied in your title. You aren’t over someone if you think about them every day. Your title should read:
“I’m NOT over my ex and I think about him daily. Any advice?”
Is your ex someone you could be friends with? Maybe you could touch base and see how that goes.
It’s probably a hard call, but try reframing how you feel about these memories. Instead of remembering and then feeling bad for having those thoughts, try remembering them as good times. Fun things you did together, with a person you shared an experience with. See them as time in your life, where you enjoyed yourself, instead of thinking of the what ifs.
Ask yourself what was it specifically about being with him that elicited these feelings you still have?
I longed for my ex for about a year until I confronted these feelings and actually realised I was just fantasising about all her best qualities and physical beauty – not the actual person who was selfish, unreasonable, demanding and impossible to satisfy. I was pining after a woman I’d created in my head who didn’t actually exist.
I think about my exes all the time. Even ones I do not like. My friends told me they do the same and some of them are married with kids. It’s not in a romantic way it’s just like something will happen and they pop in and out. When you are romantically involved with someone you share a piece of yourself no one else gets to see. Even if you have different partners they all see different versions of you you a different parts of your development. It’s a special bond during a moment of time only you and that person know about.
I don’t think it’s weird you think of them. If it starts being intrusive or effecting your life or other relationships start digging a little deeper into why. Also sounds like you ended the relationship in the honeymoon stage still so there’s probably some “what ifs” that go on because you didn’t get to see all their bad parts. Last suggestion maybe something to look into is attachment styles. Avoidant attachment styles tend to have this thing called a phantom ex. It’s a way to create distances in future relationships to avoid intimacy. I’m not a dr this is just a suggestion to look into.
Could it be that you just really care about this ex and/or had a nice connection with them? Like when it comes to exes that I ended things with and have no bad feelings towards, I might occasionally think of them with a feeling of general goodwill, like I had fond memories of things we did together and I just genuinely wonder how they are doing and hope that they are doing well. As much as I prefer cutting off contact, it’s weird to lose complete contact with someone that you once connected with on a deeper level. I would feel the same way about old friends that I lost touch with except I might reach out to an old friend but wouldn’t do that with an ex personally.
I think about my exes all the time. I’ve had several reach out in the past year or so during Covid.
I think it’s ok. I don’t mind thinking of a point in time with them that was awesome. Really hard to recreate things as well that may have been one time.
I think it’s normal. It has to be. Cos I literally think about someone I went on a few magical dates with, every single day. I was so upset she didn’t feel the way I did and I lament every now and then on what could have been. I don’t want this to be abnormal thing to do. So I think the way you feel is normal too.
It’s completely normal. At least you have pleasant thoughts. I talked to my therapist about this because I was also thinking about an ex who I honestly didn’t have many great memories with. She told me it’s completely normal and that even she thinks of exes. She’s married with kids.
For me, there were some good memories and in some ways, he got me to think about things differently. However, the relationship was ultimately toxic. Not only that, it was a situationship that only lasted four months. I love my BF and I know he is one hundred times better than my ex, both in terms of being a partner and as a person. Yet I had a dream this week about the ex. Our brains are weird.🤷🏽♀️🤦🏾♀️
So know you’re not alone and that this says nothing about your current relationship. Ultimately, he’s an ex for a reason and you just weren’t right for each other.
Is it possible that you just miss having that person in your life? It’s okay to be friends with exes. I am.
Maybe reach out to him with good, platonic intentions and see how he responds (and how you feel about his response). Hopefully that will tell you something about the situation you’re in.
I still think about ppl I even dated for a few months if I see something that remind me of the good times we shared, however brief. I might think of them if I see something they would like. I don’t feel the urge to reach out or compare or anything but they were a part of my life, they taught me things about myself for a bit, and I hope they are doing well/okay.
Same with some of my childhood friends with whom I don’t think we could be adult friends because we have grown different ways.
I think that may be somewhat concerning if you are still thinking about him every day. If you are truly happy in your current relationship, why does your ex come up still in your mind and every day as well?
This is TOTALLY normal. If you’re with someone for any extended period of time your going to form emotional memories with them and some things are just going to trigger those. Certain things may always do that for the rest of your life. It doesn’t mean you necessarily still have feelings for them though, it’s just a memory of a time in your life you shared with someone that you enjoyed.
Can I ask why it poses an existential dilemma that this person comes across your mind?
If it’s completely benign in memory of your loved/lived experiences, there’s no conflict to anything you’re forming with this new person.
However, that you’re uncomfortable, is what has me suggesting that you keep pulling at the thread of discomfort until you bluntly discover exactly what’s making you uneasy.
Are you totally sure that you want to be monogamous? I’m thinking, what if you had these thoughts because you still care about that person and could see yourself picking things back up if they ever came back into your life, casually. I read through the responses and didn’t see this, so I figured it’s worth asking. Maybe the question isn’t about whether you’re happy with the new person or who you would rather choose, but if you have to choose at all.
Have you tried identifying any ways your ex showed up to relationship in ways your current partner doesn’t? Maybe you’re missing some of those things?
Maybe not, too – it’s just what comes to mind.
Yeah that’s weird if you ask me. I can’t read your mind obviously, but it sounds like you’re bored with your current partner.
When I’m done with an ex, I am done. I rarely think about them, let alone everyday. The only times I’ve ever thought of my ex everyday is when the breakup was very fresh, and I desperately wanted them back.
Tbh it’s probably a self sabotaging habit that’s making you think of someone you know wasn’t good for you. Just stay strong and it’ll go away eventually.
I feel similarly about someone that I dated for 4-5 months. I’ve unpacked this a lot in therapy and have concluded that a lot of it has to do with he was one of my biggest support during a really difficult time (2020, for obvious reasons, but I was also going through difficult personal things that didn’t involve the pandemic). There’s other pieces to it, like we go to the same hobby group, but I think that the timing of when we dated really imprinted that experience into my memory. Also, someone else mentioned this, but are you aware of your attachment style? I’m getting more secure, but I tend to lean avoidant and so I would definitely say that this guy is my “phantom ex.” I do think it’s okay to have these thoughts. I’m working on reframing them to think about what I learned during that time and being grateful that we had that time together. It does feel melancholy to think about those times, though.
that’s normal when you have no one to fill the void romantically atm. and something triggered the memory.
just be strong. hangout with friends. go on a nice trip. enrol in a new sport you’ve always wanted to try. again just be strong and it’ll pass
Been divorced for a long time. Completely over my ex and have no desire to ever be with her again… but still at least once a month I have a dream where we’re still married.
The human brain is weird and takes a long time to process stuff.
I think that’s normal, it should pass with time. But life is funny and sometimes an ex shows back up in your life, and it can be the best timing. Recently I had an ex from 10 years ago randomly pop back into my life, and it’s been great catching up. But I don’t have any of the feelings that I had before, but it’s just nice that someone knows you well and is easy to talk to.
Maybe you just had more fun with your ex ?
I love who I am with now, and we have been together 3 years.
There are times I still think about someone I dated for 2 years. There are times I think about a girl I dated for a week or two, mostly because it was a very weird situation she was in. I think about various partners if there is a relevant reason to.
As long as I am thinking about it as a memory, and not as someone I want to go back to, I think it’s fine. As a man I don’t find it to be ‘cheating’ or wrong. The only time it would be messed up is if you are comparing in a “I wish my current SO would be more like my old one” or “They were so much better in bed than who I am with”.
That kind of thing is self destructive. Comparison is the thief of joy.
The idea of worrying if they are happier now is fine but you really should take yourself out of it where possible. Try to let yourself think your thoughts and be honest with where they lead. Maybe you just care about them as a person, that’s fine! I do that sometimes too even for people I felt really hurt me at the time.
The only time I would be concerned is, again, if the comparisons start coming in or if you feel like you want to reconnect. Do not reconnect. Do not hurt your current partner like that.
Address your thoughts. See what your mind wants, even if you rebel a bit at first. Even if it is a terrible thought, you need to process it. Then let it go. You’ve thought about it, considered it, and can have peace with it. Just be honest and direct with yourself. That is what works for me.
Here’s an example of how I sort of parse it.
“I do miss how my ex used to do this, but…they also did these other things that hurt me. They have moved on and are probably a wildly different person. I am really happy with my SO today. They do these things (think about a few things)”
Maybe that will help! It’s hard to say. I like to coach myself internally a lot so it may not be for everyone.
I’m happily in love with someone I’m planning my future with. I think of my ex wife and two of my exes often. It’s normal.
You’re allowed to think about whatever you think about. There’s nothing wrong in thinking about him.
I had an fwb for 2 years, that I believed was an actual friend, aside from the benefits bit. When I got into a real relationship, I had a frank conversation with him that the benefits part was over, and he then turned around and stole money from me. I obviously cut off all contact after that.
I still miss him. I still miss the time we spent together, I miss how relaxed I was with him, I miss how we told each other literally everything, and I could just be myself around him, no holds barred. And sometimes I think about how nice that was.
But if I ran into him tomorrow, I would not acknowledge him. “Dani? No, I don’t know a Dani. I knew a Dani once. He was a [offensive local term for thief], so I stopped talking to him, idk why you think I know you.”
In my fantasies, he comes up with some miraculous explanation for how he wasn’t actually responsible for the theft, but in reality, there is no explananation, no justification, no anything that could actually make me talk to him again.
And maybe that’s the difference. There are no thought police, you can think about your ex as much as you want to. He was a big part of your life. As long as you realize that there is nothing he can say or do to change the current situation.
Perhaps a case of limerence? Personally the way I look at all relationships, friend or otherwise, is to realize everything ends for a reason, someone stays on your mind for a reason. Thinking back about someone can lead to repairing current relationships or strengthen bonds from lessons learned. As far as worrying about it, it might speak to deeper emotions you are trying to work up.