I had sex once 1.5 years ago with my husband since my son was born 2.5 years ago. Before that we didn’t have a fantastic sex life either. He had left me without sex twice for 6 months (yes I counted) since we got married 9 years ago.
When I confront him he always blames me for being too muscular/athletic which does not make me attractive to hi
In the past whenever sex has happened between us it was always when he initiated it. If I initiate it, he finds my moves gross and says it didn’t excite him at all. I have used exactly the same moves on other men before I met him and they have worked almost every time.
I think he has been in depression since covid hit because he now fully wfh and can no longer escape with being busy or being surrounded by people. He was in a bad place every time he deprived me of sex, and instead of taking responsibility he blames me for not being his type and too athletic for him.
He is really supportive in every other way. I had an extremely abusive upbringing and he has supported and validated me whenever needed. He had a toxic upbringing too but doesn’t want to confront his past and instead just finds it easier to feel depressed instead of working towards bettering himself. He’s scared of therapy because it will open a can of worms. I on the other hand have been working on myself since past 15 years, trying different meditations and recently started therapy.
He has told me several times that I am free to go and have sex with other men to fulfill my needs but I find that extremely derogatory. First I work full time fully from home. And anytime I am not working I am either cooking, cleaning or busy with the baby. I am new to this country so I don’t have any school or college friends and any social contacts I had, I haven’t met them since my child was born. Second I don’t want to complicate my life with coordinating with random men to have sex. I don’t have time to comb my hair, I sure don’t have time to have an affair. I think he knows I am not leaving that’s why he says those things so that I stop complaining.
I know he mastrubates sometimes and I feel hurt that he does that while I crave for sex. And al this is making me frustrated and snap at him for the smallest things for which he again blames and tells me that’s why ‘I don’t want to have sex with you’.
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Without the full story I can only speculate, but from a purely male perspective he’s likely insecure about himself/his performance/his sex drive, and instead of accepting it he’s throwing it at you to avoid blaming himself for not dealing with it or working through it.
Well everyone wants to be desired especially by the person you are married to, it’s understandable that you would snap from frustration from not getting desire and sex while being put down.
Therapy is definitely the thing to do here, I’d sell by promoting all the benefits he would get: saving his mariage from a costly divorce, re-engaging with his life by taking matters into his own hands, getting a safe space to say the things he keeps bottled up without exposing your child to it, being a better role model and in the very worst case having a place to negotiate seperation in an adult way.
He’s probably feeling trapped and escaping in fantasy instead of facing the reality you two are in. The thing is no matter how bad he thinks it is now it’s only going to get worse by doing nothing.
Best of luck to all three of you fellow humans.
Do you work out a lot?
If you guys want to stay together he needs to go to therapy. You need to tell him this.
This is so unfortunate. Random question for you personally. Are you confident in yourself? Do you love your body and do you find yourself sexually attractive? Does his blame game affect your self esteem?
Do you realise your partner despising your body and repeatedly claiming you and your game suck IS also derogatory right? It’s fucking cruel and probably false too – he’s been knowing how you look like for years but is suddenly repulsed and surprise surprise, instead of taking his own past in his hands and confront it, he puts all the blame on how lacking and defective you are…..
I would dump his ass immediately, you deserve SO MUCH better than this and he won’t get better. The disrespect will only escalate.
Damn too muscular/athletic, that’s a new one. Would love for that to be a “problem” my spouse had lol
You may try to approach this as asking him to join you in couples therapy as a way to introduce him to therapy in general. If for no other reason than him being derogatory towards you takes a toll on your mental health.
This is who he is, it’s not you. It’s not going to change. Either stay and be miserable or leave and be happy
Wow, it sounds like you’ve been living in a romantic paradise for the past 9 years. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who blames their lack of attraction on your physique and finds your sexual moves “gross”?
But seriously, his behavior is beyond egregious. It’s clear he’s not interested in taking any responsibility for his own issues or working on himself, but rather, he makes you the scapegoat for all of his problems.
I’m glad to hear that you’re working on yourself and seeking therapy, but it’s not your responsibility to fix your husband’s issues for him.
Maybe it’s time to start considering whether this relationship is really serving you in a positive way. Life is too short to be stuck in a sexless marriage with a partner who refuses to take responsibility for his actions.
Your situation sound somewhat similar to mine except the genders are reversed.
I’m sorry but I honestly do not think he is physically attracted to you. I think it will be really hard to have a relationship with someone who is not physically or sexually attracted to you.
Your husband sounds like he could be on the [asexual spectrum](https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Asexual_spectrum).
I was in a relationship like this and it was so hard. I couldn’t even feel close to my ex eventually because without the physical intimacy I was getting depressed myself. He was depressed (by his own admission) and refused to do anything about it or talk to anyone. But even that aside I actually think part of it might have been that he was asexual, and wouldn’t come to terms with it because he conflated his sexuality with his masculinity. Ultimately we were incompatible for other reasons—but if we’d stayed together I don’t think we would have ever resolved the sex issue and I would’ve had to figure something else out, because I was never going to get what I wanted from him, and it really took a toll on me.
Don’t accept this behavior! It will destroy your confidence and self-esteem eventually. Your child will be fine if you are divorced- it happens every day.
I am confused, is this turn off from your appearance new or did he marry someone he was mildly unattracted to in the first place? How much sex did you guys have in the first few years of being together?
Ex husband.
How was your sex life before your child !? I would be talking to him that sex is really important in a relationship doesn’t have to be every day but it’s good to show love that way to . How is he okay with no sex ? I feel like he isn’t attracted to you if his okay with another guy doing stuff to you that would make me feel like shit . Get some marriage counseling
Is it possible that he genuinely is just simply not attracted to you? Sometimes we do try to find others reasons when the truth is hard to face.
Have you asked him if he would be interested in sex with other women etc.? Something to actually understand if it is your body image. The fact that he is repulsed by you trying something is a pretty solid sign there could be some truth to what he is saying.
When one shuts the door on the other , it’s over with… either you take him up on his offer or move on from him or spend the rest of your days in misery…your call..
Divorce is how you fix this.
Sounds like my husband, except that he came iut to me as asexual and aromantic rwo years ago.
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We know what you could do you get a hold of me let me lick and suck on that p**** and click