tldr: Am I supposed to ~~let someone casually date~~ be okay with someone casually dating while I’m only interested in her at the moment?
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I’ve (30m) been seeing a lady (30f) for 6 weeks. She approached me, we went on a date, and it went great, so we’ve been on about 8 dates now.
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From the get-go, she told me she wasn’t ready for something serious right now, because she just came out of a loveless divorce of several years, and never had a chance to casually date. Since then, the dating has felt distinctly relationship-y, and this was addressed tonight.
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Tonight she told me she wanted to be honest with me, and that she was asked to get a drink with a guy from Hinge. We calmly and maturely had a conversation about what each other wanted and such.
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I told her I was uncomfortable with knowing she’d be intimate with other guys, but that I do understand that she needs to experience casually dating (not something I’ve ever been highly interested in, unfortunately). I just asked her to let me know if she had the feeling that we were getting off-course, and I really believe she will if it comes to that. So far, she’s been nothing but mature and honest.
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But I kind of hate feeling like she’s going on dates while we’re having a great thing going (absolutely a mutual agreement). It makes me feel like I’m supposed to be doing the same thing, which makes me stressed, because I’m really busy with my career and passion. Am I being pathetic by letting her date for an indefinite period of time until she’s (ostensibly…) fully ready to be exclusive?
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I know she would hate if I said we should go separate ways. I also think I should do what’s right for me first. But I ALSO think she could be someone I have a strong meaningful relationship with, which I’ve not had more than one of in my life.
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Just feeling a knot in my stomach tonight, so thought I’d post to get some feedback. Trying to avoid the voices in my head going “she’s looking for wilder sex” or “wants to check off a few boxes”, but it’s hard not to. Doesn’t help that I’ve had ED issues the last two times we tried. Doctor visit imminent. Though, for the record, I know how to compensate and she seems happy.
4 comments
You’re right. You need to do what’s right for you first. She needs time right now to do her own thing and it’s great that you two are open and honest with each other. If you can see a future with her, but need to end things for your own sake, then I’d let her know that. But this doesn’t mean you’ll be waiting around for her to come crawling back.
You don’t “let” her date other people. You decide if you’re ok with dating someone who is in that place in their life. You don’t have to do the same thing, but you do have to sort out your feelings about it. Then you can express whatever those feelings are, like how you would prefer to be exclusive and give the two of you a focused shot, if that’s the case, and see where the chips fall.
The best course of action is an open, honest and respectful conversation about whether things line up for the two of you, or if you want to revisit the idea of dating each other after she’s had whatever journey she needs to have, or whathaveyou. Best of luck!
You don’t own her. She can do what ever she wants. Just because you have feelings for her and the dates were mutually wonderful doesn’t mean she owes you anything. It’s great that she is offering you this information and having you be part of the conversation. She had a life before meeting you and doesn’t have to change what ever course she was already on to accommodate you. Be patient and things will probably work out. She gets to do what feels right for her too.
id take this opportunity to work on your insecurities. Its never time wasted.