(To preface, I’m mainly referring to texting here but I think this definitely can apply irl as well)
Whenever I start talking to someone, I do a little test where I genuinely show a lot of interest in them and ask them a bunch of questions. I drop little things that show that they could ask me something in return, and if they don’t show any interest in me whatsoever, I stop talking to them. It’s easy to tell even by the first conversation if someone is self-centered, because they WONT change.
I absolutely love listening to people, but a good 90% of people are conversational narcissists that aren’t able to show any interest in people and I bet this also applies to most people in this sub. It’s normal to like to talk about ourselves, I’m the same way, but you need to balance it! Especially in text when you HAVE more control of the convo and it’s easier to articulate your thoughts. I always make sure I’m involving the other person and having a balanced convo, because I know how it feels to be left out. If you meet someone that does show interest in you, keep them because those types of people are rare.
I’ve met a ton of people that only liked talking to me because I was the only one that actually listened to them, and didn’t care about me whatsoever. But I reached a boiling point and had to drop these people off.
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I think this is what happen because of social media. Fake perfect lives needs to be maintained, to keep it “real” it takes to much energy, so it better to stay cool on social media then having good friends.
Just take a look in FB. People pretend everything is perfect, you don’t see the dark side of the moon, and people eat it and like it, so people keep doing it.
People do it because it gives dopamine, that people like your stuff and your friend list is over 1000 people you barely know.
Social media makes you forget what real friendships are all about.
As u should
I agree that a majority of people are like this. I enjoy meeting new people and hearing new stories, and generally can talk with anyone, but that’s only because I genuinely listen to what they say and ask curious questions as we go. Rarely do people inquire back so I usually have to help the convo along.
I want to believe that its because most people have no clue how small talk and dialogue are supposed to work any more. I don’t think it’s anything malicious — most of the people I chat with are hard working folks just trying to make it through the day. Maybe the poster mentioning social media is right, maybe society is so used to just going on about themselves on SM that they don’t realize that the best real world conversations are give and take.
I hesitate to ghost anyone because of their conversation skills, I’d never have married my husband if I’d done that as he is decidedly *not* about the small talk lol. But I will say that I notice and appreciate the people who do show more curiosity and interest in me. They are a genuine pleasure to talk to and I remember them so much better.
The merit of talking to people is for advantages either personal or professional. if by merely listening to them you are able to gain their assistance in the long walk of time. Then that’s good.
I would recommend to tweak your policy on ghosting.
Nd here i m…. Who asks questions thinking others will find me interesting… Such a strange world.. No one truly gets what they want
It took me a very long time to learn that other people expect this.
I think I always just chatted about myself and expected others to do the same. I wasn’t going to stop them, it wasn’t that I didn’t care. But I assumed if you wanted to talk about it, you would.
Different people communicate differently.
Sometimes that creates a relationship incompatibility though, but it doesn’t always mean they aren’t interested.
I’m the same way. Sure, I could go on about something related to what was said previously and sometimes I do but actually asking me yourself is something I perceive as a lot more intentional. It makes me feel as if you genuinely want to get to know me when I’m asked to expand on something I mention and that you pay attention if it’s something I’ve mentioned a couple messages ago and you want to further discuss.
What if they would’ve asked you questions after you meet again? But now that you’ve ghosted, they won’t ever again
it really depends on the questions and the situation. unfortunately timing is everything. with social media apps and dating apps people have more time to think, process, conjure, etc. but at the same time people really like depth and social skills. curiosity is not present in a lot of people these days unless they get something out of it.
I really can’t say because I have not seen your conversations, but so you offer any information about yourself? A lot of the time it’s hard to ask questions and be curious about another person if there’s no information to go off of. They might also assume you don’t want to talk about yourself if you never offer up any information.
I am the exact same way, consequently I’ve narrowed my friend base substantially.
You think 90% of people are narcissists? The statistics show its closer up to 5%.
I have always met great people that listen to me and in return I listen to them. It’s a dynamic you won’t have with everyone, but when you do its awesome.
Are you sure you really are a good conversationalist?
Did you ask them to listen to you?
Oh my god i hateeeee when people do this, especially on dating apps, its so ridiculous. I start ghosting people too. Im no longer gonna fuel someones ego or boost their self esteem by putting in more effort than them and only talking about them.
You/everyone deserves reciprocal friendships. I’ll just want to share that typically my social anxiety makes it very hard for me to have a quality conversation the first few times being around someone. Answering questions is much easier than being creative and inquisitive. But after warming up, a more natural exchange is possible. It’s a personality quirk that has probably lost me many friends. Have you ever found that your vetting process would have accidentally omitted a potential friend without an executive decision to make an exception? If so, what did you find in that situation to cause that exception?
Some people just never learned the back-and-forth. I come from a family where convos work on a “first come first get” principle, the one with the loudest mouth took all the attention in a conversation.
It took me YEARS of retraining in my 20s to actively learn a healthy back-and-forth and to NEITHER become a doormat listening to a narcissist NOR dominate a conversation without any input from the other person myself. I had both bad habits.
It has nothing to do with social media but learning healthy social behaviour from your parents. Your parents teach you that YOU are worthy of respect and that OTHERS are worthy of respect. Both of those were missing in my upbringing.
Also, I also have doubts about your claim that 90% of people are conversational narcissists. This may be your skewed view because you are still unlearning catering to this type (usually, the people who have learned to adapt to narcissists have learned this dysfunctional behaviour in childhood because their parents are narcissists). I USED to be surrounded by this quota but now that my boundaries have gotten healthy, this type of people only has a very quick stay in my life because after I notice, I distance myself. Now, the people I surround myself with are 90% non-narcissists.
I’ve started doing the same; return the energy I receive. It’s basically just ended up in less time wasted on relationships that hold no value, so win win in my books.
I used to be the most incredible listener. People would tell me stories. I don’t watch TV and thought of it as entertainment. But if you’re just a mirror reflecting their image back to them, you become completely invisible. I used to think of it as a public service – – people need to talk. Now I have very few friends and I’m still learning to interject myself into conversations. Most people won’t notice they’re monopolizing the conversation. If you’re naturally shy and an introvert, asking people questions is a great way to keep the conversation going. I wish I’d ghosted narcissistic people years ago. I wish I had more friends who cared enough to ask me about me.
Your strategy seems a bit heavy handed but maybe your environment warrants it. I definitely see where you’re coming from. I think it’s worth noting that someone not asking you questions does not equal not being interested. It’s tempting to think that this conclusion is true most of the time, but there are numerous reasons why someone might be interested but not show that interest through the one specific behavior of asking questions back.
Interaction dynamics also come to play when two people have different communication styles. Some extroverts use questions rhetorically or to express their reaction or show signs of listening. To an introvert that might feel like being talked over or not actually being listened to, whereas to another extrovert both might talk at the same time and vibe with it.
I think you might also check your assumption that you’re a good listener. You probably are in many cases but not all the time. Different people need to be listened to differently, and if you fail in that calibration, sometimes that is the reason people fail to ask questions back or reciprocate. Maybe with some people the questions or way you ask questions puts them off.
Lastly, I wonder if you’re gifted or autistic because that would be a plausible explanation for your strong reaction to non-reciprocal behaviors in conversation.
Are you clearly communicating your expectations? Or just passive aggressively trying to manipulate the conversation and then ghosting them for not being a mind reader and living up to your unspoken expectations?
I have this problem where I don’t talk about myself at all. So the conversation usually dies out lol
I’m ok with that cuz I’m not really a talker. Not really a fan of talking in general.
I have issues with people that never stop talking. I have 3 family members like that and I have no clue how they can just keep talking and talking and talking with no break in-between.
It’s gets annoying when we’re trying to watch a movie cuz they don’t stop to watch the movie smh.
But I like what you do. It’s a good test.
I completely relate to this post. I do the same now. If we’re having a convo and it’s me asking the majority of the questions and hardly any “wbu’s?” in return I lose interest. You’re not a celebrity and i’m not interviewing you. Not into wasting time with anyone that isn’t interested in me or too self consumed to realize the error in their ways
Don’t ghost. Be mature! Tell them you’re not interested and move on.
I don’t really blame you.
I always say if you have the ability to listen and show interest in others, you are ahead of 90% of the curve. Most people really *are* self-centered.
I’m the same way. Especially on dating apps. I’ll ask questions about them and drop a bit of information about me to see if they follow up to show mutual interest. Give them 2 chances to see if they ask anything about me. If not, I unmatch and move on. I’m not interested in self-absorbed individuals 🤷🏽♀️
I don’t ask questions sometimes because it feels like a tennis match when the other party has already asked you something: Question-answer- question-answer. I don’t wanna bore the other party. Instead, I talk about the things I think they’d also be interested in and see if they’ll say something. Question without a question if you will 😅 Not sure if it’s the best strategy around. I hope I won’t be perceived as self-centered.
What about people who state that they’ve very busy people, and can take days to respond to very short questions with simple answers, while on the other hand you often write thought-out paragraphs? Questions such as whether they’ve ever lived in New York, for example.
I started doing a similar thing on dating apps but not because I think people are narcissists or anything. I just get so tired of conversations devolving into me just interrogating the other person about their life and them taking no interest in me even though I am dropping vague information about myself for them to ask me about. It could be because they are talking to 4 other people and don’t have the mental capacity for me or they just genuinely don’t care. Sometimes I will flat out ask them to ask me something and if they come up with some generic conversation starter rather than actually asking about me then I just don’t want to be a part of the interaction.
It is frustrating to have that happen over and over again, but I don’t think it is necessarily a personal failing. There are a lot of factors at play. Its unfortunate and makes me kind of sad, but c’est la vie.
Yeah I’ve done this on dates. Then I literally sat there in silence to ask me questions. It was awful. That definitely didn’t work out. People tend to be self-centered, but it is a subtle way to know whether they genuinely like you or not.
It really is most people that are like this. It’s so frustrating! I totally understand you just ghosting them.
I have a couple of people like that at where I work. Most of the people I can have a good conversation with. I avoid those few people like the plague. We will make eye contact and I just look away so they know not to engage. They’re like a gnat you can’t swat away and just want to complain to everyone or try too hard to make people like them.
Listening is great! You get to learn a lot. If only these people did that
That’s funny, I ghost people for playing childish games instead of just talking like a normal person
Did the same thing.
Now I barely have people in my life anymore but idc, it’s more peaceful this way.
I’m a great listener. I show interest in people’s lives and ask questions.
But I noticed that many people confuse that with me being a doormat or therapist or dumpster whatever you may call it, and it was really draining, especially because most people who are like this don’t show any interest in return. Like at all.
Never again. If someone doesn’t invest the same energy as I am, I lose interest very quickly.
I wouldn’t call that ghosting. It’s a solid strategy to not get drained out by people.