We’re both 5″11
I’m 130lb, he was 160 but grow to 245 in less than 2 years.
I feel like that since he has a partner, he doesn’t feel the necessity to take care of himself. His body care in general is getting a way worse in general, now he is a way too hairy.
Sex is not a priority for me, but the quality decreased so much in this period due to his short endurance, so basically I have to do everything.
I’m not asking the moon, I want simply a decent physical relationship. About emotions everything is fine, he is still lovely and caring as the first day.
Any first hand opinion or advice?
31 comments
So firstly.. The way he cares for his body is his decision to make and how you feel towards it is irrelevant.. but.. could there be an underlying issue outside out his comfort in a relationship? Have you talked to him about it? Communication is always step one.
Side note – it’s totally normal for your body to change rapidly in late 20s.
Its definitely true that some people can get too comfortable and start letting themselves go.
Talk to him and see if anything has changed in his life and how he feels about sex currently. Maybe something has happened that you just weren’t aware of causing the weight gain.
Depression? Did he start antipsychotics?
The hairyness thing is a differnet thing, and i dont think its a legit thing to compakin about, but the wright gain is concerning.
It’s definitely something that needs to be addressed.
It could be he’s comfortable and not putting in the effort anymore, but it also sounds like it could be depression, which will make working on it harder.
First of all, do not tell him he needs to lose weight, that will kill his self esteem, especially if he’s going through a tough time already. Instead, make it a ln activity together. “Let’s do this gym challenge,” “I want to start taking walks, but I don’t want to go alone,” or something along those lines. Make him feel like you’re in this together, because you’re a couple, so you are in it together.
If he’s depressed, improving diet and exercise will help that too.
Tell him it bothers you and he needs to reverse course. You kept your mouth shut for 85 lbs of this but he’s gone too far. You miss how he used to be and want to see improvement. He has your support.
Don’t expect a miracle. Water weight can come off quickly but he’ll be lucky to lose 2 lbs a week of fat. It took more than a year to get there and it’ll take more than a year to get back. He’ll probably have saggy skin.
I strongly disagree that you should confront him about the weight from a physical appearance standpoint. That will most likely make him defensive and hurt his feelings and self-esteem.
Instead, I think you should tell him that you’re concerned about his health. That’s a valid concern and less likely to feel like a personal attack.
Edit: a word
I think it needs to be addressed without skirting around the issue. Something along the lines of
“Hey I’ve noticed you’ve gained some weight over the years and I’m concerned about your health, is everything okay? Is something holding you back from taking care of yourself?”
– if that’s the case, it can be a conversation to troubleshoot things (ie potential illness, medication change, mental health)
If he says everything’s fine, and means it, then I would open it up to a bigger conversation. Something like “I care about you but I feel the general decrease in self care has negatively impacted our relationship, particularly in terms of physical intimacy, and I don’t want it to get worse or out of hand. Is there something I can do to help you get back on track?”
Something that conveys your concern, how it has impacted you, and shows him you’re here to assist on his journey.
I think it needs to be addressed without skirting around the issue. Something along the lines of
“Hey I’ve noticed you’ve gained some weight over the years and I’m concerned about your health, is everything okay? Is something holding you back from taking care of yourself?”
– if that’s the case, it can be a conversation to troubleshoot things (ie potential illness, medication change, mental health)
If he says everything’s fine, and means it, then I would open it up to a bigger conversation. Something like “I care about you but I feel the general decrease in self care has negatively impacted our relationship, particularly in terms of physical intimacy, and I don’t want it to get worse or out of hand. Is there something I can do to help you get back on track?”
Something that conveys your concern, how it has impacted you, and shows him you’re here to assist on his journey.
Staples button. IYKYK.
Staples button. IYKYK.
Is there anything medically going on with him that could contribute to it? Asking from personal experience
Speaking from personal experience.
Complacency is likely a huge factor in it, but don’t count out depression.
In my case, I was just happy being with my partner at the time. For the first time in a long time I had someone to just be with, cook with, watch tv with, etc. It wasn’t just me that put on the weight though, we were both happy and complacent.
Over time, the relationship took a turn for the worse. She got depressed, started drinking more, eating less, and just kind of withered away. I got depressed, and started eating more and moving less.
Small subtle changes in a relationship can have a rippling effect if left unchecked. Talk to him, but don’t blame him.
Girl I understand… I take care of myself. Always do. Whether I’m single or not and that’s because I was raised by an overly obsessed mom that wanted to live through me. I grew to love the fact that I always look presentable (I own one pair of sweats) so I like to date men that also take care of themselves but I noticed that once a guy “gets you” they just stop trying.
Like my sons father. Clean shaven, work out, did runs, hikes. After few months. Ate a shit ton, stopped cleaning up his beard, and washing and brushing his hair… I think it’s like a couple thing… because I noticed it with other couples…
Maybe you guys can come to an agreement that a few times of the month is “him time” time for him to workout, go for a walk, a run. Keep active. I know for a fact keeping active helps with the mind
That’s not exponential but point taken 🤣🤣🤣
for lowest exponent he’d have to be 25,600 pounds now eh? That does indeed sound concerning 😂
Best I can say is have a conversation, but you have to be sensitive about it and you have to make it clear you still love him.
If you are too hard on him. It may cause him to spiral and get worse.
That’s a lot of weight gain. It’s basically like dating a different person. I don’t think you should feel bad about wanting improvement. You aren’t complaining about natural aging, he’s become a fundamentally different person.
You say sex isn’t a priority for you, but how long will you feel that way?
Sex is something that most of us need. We can deal with dry spells, but eventually we need to get some. Nobody wants to be the partner who says “You gained too much weight” but I would argue that he should be worried about not just his health, but also the health of the relationship.
I don’t think you are being shallow, and if this is a serious relationship one of the things good partners do for each other is help the other person get back on track when we drift into unhealthy habits. Gaining 75 lbs qualifies as unhealthy.
Best of luck. I hope he takes you seriously and starts to take better care of himself.
5’11” and 130lbs is underweight by BMI categories. You both might need help taking care of yourselves
How would you like to be treated if you were in his position? Treat him the exact same way and no less.
It would bother me, too. I would address it as nicely as I could and would take more walks with her and start to do sport on my own but I would invite her to join me. Maybe even do something fun together. Also most importantly change the diet. Most people just have a very terrible diet and gain weight through it, especially in america and great britain. Its criminal what food they sell you there imo.
If she is not changing though, even though I addressed it more often, I would break up at some point. I know what it means to have a partner who is overweight, because my mother is. She is not able to walk properly anymore, lives on lots of meds and has diabetes but continues to eat shit and we tried every possible method to motivate her to do sport or change diet but she was not acting on it. Instead she took it personally but the thing is, at some point, its not about her anymore, its gonna influence other peoples life around her as well, especially when she becomes old and has to be cared by a nurse. With her weight, no nurse is gonna do the job voluntarily because you need a lot of energy and the nurse is not getting paid enough to do such heavy work. You would need two nurses, which in my country is almost impossible, because there are too many old people in my country and not enough nurses. Also the job has a really shitty payment and very hard/stressful/unhealthy conditions.
It’s like watching someone kill himself slowly, which is why I hate this body positivity movement that includes self-made obesity. I’m all for supporting every type of body there is, as long as it is not threatening your health and is a negative influence on other people’s lifes, which you could’ve prevented.
If he has changes other than just his weight, like you mentioned his body hair. If his body hair pattern is changing that needs to be worked up by a doctor. That could be a sign that he is having some kind of hormonal imbalance that is causing his weight issues.
Breakup with him and give him that forbidden pre to go crazy in the gym
Does your boyfriend ever comment or complain about his appearance? Or are there other indications that he is aware and bothered by this change?
Hey OP. There is a horrible thing that happens to guys when they get close to 30. I wasn’t even aware that I gained 40 pounds but it was certainly effecting my partner. She made recommendations like going on hikes more and I slowly realized that I was in fact not as fit as I thought I was and I ended up working out more on a row machine. Use “and”instead of “but” when you bring it up. “You are caring and loving and you have added some weight that is worrying me.” Vs “you are caring and loving but you put on weight and it’s worrying me”
I’m a guy with the same issue. I gained so much weight for the last 10 years in my relationship due to being too comfortable and not trying anymore. Although I’m not so fat at 89kg (5’9ft), used to be at around 75kg, I started working out recently to avoid making it worst. My partner told me about my weight and I told her I am aware of it as well. One thing that she emphasized is it’s not about the physical appearance but our health.
I feel this, I was in that position, I gained 100 lbs and my partner wasn’t attracted to me anymore.
When I was told, I was devastated, but now I’m back down and it feels great.
Then my partner put on weight. I admit that yes, it’s affected MY attraction, and now apparently I’m a horrible person.
Perhaps start to do activities that are a little bit more physical in order to get the ball rolling. Maybe go hiking or take a walk, do something that both of you can enjoy, but increases fitness. When selecting a place to eat, perhaps shoot for places that are a little more healthy if you go out. But most importantly, if you’re comfortable with him, maybe talk to him and express your concerns. Health is also an issue as well as sexual performance, but how you would brush the subject is where I’m gonna leave this one alone.
It has to be addressed but not about sex, about his mental health. Why have his habits with food/ physical activities/ overall self care have changed? Anything big happened, depressed, loss, stress, new job, financial stress, etc. Honestly, gaining so much in such a small time is a sign of a deeper issues. To add: new medication?
Making it about sex will make sex waay worst since he will be super self conscious and anxious.
Signed, someone who got to 300lbs in a very dark time as unhealthy coping mechanisms but is back to a healthy weight after facing it and making changes.
exponential. “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
As a heavy guy, you can definitely still have a great physical relationship at that weight. I’m personally used to it, and use it in sex, but if his weight gain is causing personality changes like laziness especially in the bedroom then he should look into doing something about it. And do remember, conversations like this go a lot smoother when you’re calm, and this could be deeper for him than just gaining weight. Maybe he’s not doing so well, could be depressed, which could also explain the low effort.
Men have a much higher metabolism.. Try “baby I’m scared to go to the gym alone, can you please come with me?”
Boy do I (28F) have personal experience. From my experience with my husband, your guy knows he needs to lose weight. I tried subtle and encouraging, making it a team thing, I tried the health angle, I tried being more honest about the difficult logistics of sex with a 300lbs man. Nothing has worked. Diet and exercise is hard when you work a physical full time job—I get that now that I work in a similar trade to him. What I’ve ended up doing is cultivating an appreciation for who he is as a person. Sure I could leave and get with some hot fit guy, but he probably wouldn’t be half the husband mine is. For me it was not worth throwing away an otherwise happy marriage.
At 23 you don’t have to deal with anything, especially when you are on a boyfriend/gilfriend level. Dump his ass and find someone else with whom you will enjoy life.