I (26F) got caught up in an emotional affair, I have no excuse – I know it was wrong. I had been feeling neglected and taken for granted and I made the selfish decision to look for validation elsewhere. My partner went through my phone and found out, I feel ashamed and guilty. I know what I did was wrong and I know that though he’s willing to forgive me I have a ton of work to do to fix myself and repair the relationship.
Has anyone overcome an emotional affair? How did you rebuild trust and intimacy? I want to do what I can to help him heal, I want to fix things because at the end of the day I choose him. And I’d choose him over and over again. I messed up.
12 comments
No, but you can overcome this and strengthen your relationship. You needed things that he wasn’t giving you, so you need to sit down and talk about needs and trust.
Wipe the slate clean and learn how to communicate. Say ‘I feel’ when you start. Don’t form a rebuttal as they speak, just listen.
Maybe listen to Esther Perel ‘Where Should We Begin’ and learn better ways to communicate.
It’s possible. I wouldn’t forgive it but some men would.
I love my ex-girlfriend still so much but unfortunately she broke my trust more than once. At that point love isn’t enough
Well you should have communicated to your partner communication is key in a relationship, but that fact he is willing to forgive you he is someone to keep and you are really lucky he did not end things. Cheating is a complex thing one moment you might think that they have forgiven you but you don’t know what they are thinking and this haunts them which leads to trust issues and all this sorts of stuff. So just assure him that you are not going to do it and you did something very selfish if you choose him you would have never done that in the first place. I don’t want to be negative and attack you but you have a lot of work to do in your relationship to fully regain his trust
You’re full of shit, first of all. You only feel guilty because you got caught, simple as. Leave that partner alone, let the person be happy with someone who truly loves him/her, you clearly don’t. Piece of filth.
Yes. My husband and I have been together in every way since I was 18. I’m 49 in a couple of days. So I think I can speak for what it’s like to have a long term relationship. I’m not going into specifics here, though you are welcome to DM me.
I think where the line is, in a relationship of what’s a deal breaker is different for everyone. It’s human to be attracted and have strong feelings for many people during your life. To think that you choose someone, and that’s it, you switch off that part of you that can see the beauty in your friends and colleagues, is utter bullshit.
It doesn’t mean you love your partner any less, you just love this person differently. You will fall in love with many people in your life, whether you’re in a committed relationship or not. It’s normal. It’s just matter of accepting that this is a part of being an alive and functioning human. Be kind to yourself and your partner, because this will happen to them too.
You choose your actions, not your feelings.
Feelings are fickle, they morph, and in time, given the absence of this shiny, new other person, your affection for them will diminish, and they will become a part of your life history, a part to be cherished for how it’s helped you grow, and mature as a person. For it’s these people that come in and out of our lives, is what changes our expectations of ourselves and others. We learn many things, including compassion for those in a similar situation. We become less judgmental.
And it reminds us of the beauty that others can see inside us. It’s important to be reminded of that from time to time. Forgive yourself. Allow yourself some butterflies.
that’s going be one really bug fuckin obstacle for you to overcome. just remember forgiveness is not something you can demand, it’s something you have to earn. the longer it takes to earn the deeper the damage you left behind. if it taken way too long to heal then I suggest y’all end it.
You’re going to get shit all over on this sub but you need to reframe your thinking.
You became emotionally attached to someone else because your partner was unwilling to meet your needs. This is not 100% your fault. Your partner made the choices he made and that’s his responsibility and you made the choices you made and that’s your responsibility. You BOTH made bad choices and you BOTH chose not to work on the relationship the way you BOTH should have been all along.
Your post is entirely about you trying to make amends.
What is your partner doing to make amends? How is he working to fulfill your needs? Has he apologized for neglecting you and taking you for granted….and for snooping through your phone?
Take a good long look at this relationship and think about why it was that you felt the need to get your emotional needs met elsewhere. Stop beating yourself up for having needs. Decide why it is you really want to be with your partner and think about what’s going to be different ON HIS END if you stay. Will he truly forgive you or forever hold this over your head? Will he own up to having been a neglectful partner and work to change that? This isn’t a case of you saw a hot guy, couldn’t control yourself and fucked his brains out. You were lonely and feeling like shit because of how your partner was treating you and another person filled that emotional gap.
And before any asshats come for me, no, I’m not a cheater and I don’t condone cheating—in fact I’ve been cheated on and it sucks ass—so save your “looks like we found the cheater” witticisms for someone else.
I sincerely hope your partner moves on
If you truly feel guilty for cheating and not getting caught and want to make up for it by bottom of your heart
Develop a habit of communication with ur partner, understand what led you to that choice and ensure those causes don’t occur again, understand your feelings and communicate in due time and effectively not by giving subtle/indirect signs
Ps: I see a lot of people abusing in this sub and just know they’re doing so because they think you intentionally did something morally wrong (not saying u did or didn’t). I hope you understand the consequences of your actions in the long term. Having said that I hope you work on urself and fix whatever you need to fix and give ur partner the treatment/efforts he deserves
So what happens after the whole forgiveness process? Does your partner continue to behave the same as prior to the cheating? Will you continue to be emotionally neglected?
If you felt guilty about the emotional affair, you would have stopped it. You didn’t. You kept going.
But you were caught, and now faced with confrontation and consequences, you feel bad because you are being shamed and feeling that shame.
He should leave. You should leave. Seek a relationship with the emotional affair partner, nor with your ex.