He hasn’t been himself and I know he doesn’t want to be a burden, what can I do to help without pushing him too hard? I’m worried he’s only going to get deeper in his self-loathing and it breaks my heart seeing him like this.
Edit: Thank you guys for all the advice, I really appreciate it!! Woke up to a lot of posts from you guys so I’ll need a bit but I’ll try to read all of them! 💜
36 comments
Encourage him to get out of the house and get moving. Emotional support is great and all, but at some point you have to physically break the routine and _do_ something.
Encourage him, show him your love for him
It’s different for everyone but typically something you can do to at least lighten the load. Treat him to one of his favorite things, be there for him and don’t judge him as less of a man for having these issues. 100% professional therapist, but only when he’s ready and it must be with someone he trusts.
Subtly let him know how important he is to you. Could be a little treat from the shop (favourite drink/snack), favourite meal?
Even just watching a film he likes.
Obviously all people are different, but for me it is knowing that there is someone there for me if I wanted to tell it all. Make him feel like he can open up, but not actually telling him to. If you tell him, he may shelter more to hide it.
You will know him best, but it’s finding a way to show his importance to you.
A man needs a purpose. For a man with a purpose, no trouble is too big. Read “A man’s search for meaning” to understand what that means.
Power and purpose. Don’t say just act like you respect and admire him. Indirect communication is ironically much more direct
Listen to him and I mean just listen. Don’t offer solutions or anything just listen to what he is struggling with. That’s how my therapist helped me when I was in that dark place: She just listened and let me figure myself out. My parents, friends and brother all wanted to help and offered solutions on “how to get better”, but the more they wanted to help the more I felt like they didn’t understand me.
Get him comfortable with a back rub. Then ask something like ‘what’s bothering you, babe?’ See if he opens up a bit. He probably needs to unload some stuff so just listen. Start there.
Would you mind if I share how I would like to be treated if I were in his position? Straight M here.
I would like to be asked how she can help. I would like her to wait for the answer. Wait. Wait. I would prefer she not offer the help she thinks I need. I would prefer she not do anything – not to play the music I used to like hoping she can cheer me up; not to cook my favorite meal; not to tell me to go for a walk.
While these things are valid and thoughtful, it’s the way they are presented that would keep me locked in my state. When phrasing the question, “how would you like it if you went for a walk” I would be left to consider the potential effect all by myself.
By simply asking how, my woman would indicate that she cares and that she doesn’t judge me. If I stopped doing something I used to do (and that maybe a household task), I wouldn’t want her to do it for me. I would want her to just ask, when are you going to do it?
This is part of empowerment imho 🙂 If I reacted aggressively, my woman would know she has a bigger problem on her hands than she thought. How could I if my woman was gently present and acknowledging me?
When your man does not respond at all, there may be something more serious going on. Contacting a licensed therapist to ask for guidance is what I would probably do if my SO remained in the state you describe despite my best efforts.
What are some of his hobbies or interests? Would he like going to a science center? A museum? Does he like music, maybe a small venue with a live band?
Engage him with something he likes. Maybe even just dinner out, maybe a walk around downtown, or a historic district. Maybe talk a walk down by the Riverwalk (if you have something like that near you) or something peaceful after dark, when it’s not so warm out. (I saw one response where you said he had a possible heatstroke.)
Hope these ideas can help.
Give him hugs and tell him that you are with him.
Communicate with him and provide general support… that’s it
One thing to keep in mind is that it might not be *you* who he vents to.
An afternoon out with one of his friends where he can drink, watch a movie, compete in some game, etc might be really good for him to get him back to center.
Speaking from on who’s ex ( we are still best friends and spend a lot of time together so I know him pretty well still) has a ton of depression and anxiety. I asked him once what he prefers when he is going through this. His thoughts were and I do this… I say hey I can tell you’re going through it and if you don’t want to talk it’s cool. I’m here anytime you do want to talk, vent or get advice. I won’t push you ( this can be more stressful to them when they don’t want to talk is is asking multiple time) but just know I’m here. What can I do in the meantime to help? Then I’d fix a fav meal or just get him out of the house and out in the sun for a bit. If he wants to stay home keep the blinds open and light in the place. Let him get lost in a movie and watch it together even if it’s one you don’t like. Show him support. It sounds like doing something at home may be best in your case. Last time mine was going through it I ordered in his fav place and we watched some of his fav shows and movies and we talked as he brought stuff up. I tell him I’m proud of him for all that he does do and let him know I can see he’s trying his best and that he means the world to me ( even as friends). Ask him if there is anything that will help take burdens off him (without taking all the emotional and physical energy you have because you have to take care of you as well). Ask if there are any indoor places he’d like to go see. A museum? Indoor animal place? My ex says when he’s going through it that is what helps. Be there but don’t focus on the depression and push him about it. Also give him some time alone sometimes even if it’s while you run to the store. Please take care of yourself through all of this too though. You can’t empty yourself worrying about him so much that it starts to affect you in bad ways. Make sure you’re eating and drinking enough and getting you time as well. This can be tough on both parties and I always worry about the partner that is taking the caretaker role as well
For me personally, one when I do want to talk actually listen you don’t need to say anything really just be there and two plan stuff and do them with me. My ex used to basically trick me into having a good time. She would say I wanna get a specific food and say a day next week and plan it. I want her to be happy so I’ll agree and then we will go get food and she will have a whole schedule of things that she knows I like that are near by. I also genuinely enjoy spending time with her so it helps me get out my head for a bit.
Nurse here. This sounds like serious clinical depression. He needs a doctor to put a set of eyes on him. You cannot solve this problem alone and you shouldn’t try. Act quickly though.
Create a safe space without any sexual intent. Get his favourite meal, his favourite game and/or movie.if he wants to be alone, just leave all that on the doorstep. Stuff like that. Show you care without pushing it.
The most important thing is to get him out of his own head, by corporealizing him (putting him back in his body instead of floating away in the invisibleether of problems.
* Let him rest his head on your tummy while you rub his hair slowly
* Watch funny movies like Naked Gun or Hot Shots
* Take a long walk to a new restaurant
* Go to a big swimhall and swim together, teach your body’s muscles tricks it thought it had forgotten
* As someone with long experience with depression and “getting stuck in your head”, if you invest in two pairs of shower [scrub gloves,](https://lyko.com/globalassets/product-images/lyko-scrub-glove-turquise-1189-143-0001_1.jpg?ref=388226&w=960&h=960&mode=max&quality=75&format=webp) dab them with shower gel, then hug and rub eachothers’ backs at the same time. Or one turns toward the wall and the other gently scrubs neck, shoulders and back. Ignore the erection, no sex, just care. Can do sex later when dry
* if he is not sad but pissed at something and is snippy with you, none of these things will work and you should tell him to talk to a therapist. He can only be happy from your acts of love that I listed above if he owns his problems. If he is the reason for his problems but won’t acknowledge it, no amount of love will cure him because he’s a martyr and a drama queen. But who am I to judge.
I’ve been this guy-still struggle sometimes. First try-and bear with me, cuddle with his head on your chest and play with his hair. It’s strangely comforting.
Tell him you appreciate him. Ask him for help and then thank him for it, lots of us like to accomplish things and small, finite tasks are good for that. Most of us are generally touch starved, that can go a long way. At one point my wife had to tell me she needed me to pull my weight and that helped me shake off the worst of it.
You’re doing great.
If you have the chance, engage him in small tasks that plausibly require his assistance. Not necessarily needing the input of both for the same tasks, paralell play is also workable (and even advisable for some situations). Enlist his help, but do take some caution to be flexible, as sometimes executive disfunction can back fire this strategy. Try to keep note of all the things you ask him to help with and remind him of this indirectly whenever he feels like a burden. Always thank him for the work, but don’t overdo it. Preferably thank him “for everything”(of which you have a mental list with the last ≥5 items in case he asks) at random, sufficiently spaced times. Make plans for both ahead of time by no less than 4 hrs and no more than 72, constantly. But make sure these plans don’t require much more than attendance from him. This can help keep his mind focused on “the next thing to do”. Also, as a nurse said, this might require a clinical approach, likely with antidepressants, so do reach out to a doctor.
I’m not sure how you’re relationally situated towards this man, but I’d encourage him to open up and, when he does, don’t shame him for how he does it.
I’m reading a book right now and it talks about how when boys and girls are young, they’re both equally emotionally open, and, according to some research, boys may be even more emotionally available at young ages.
But what happens is that as they get older, girls are taught that it is okay to talk about their feelings, and boys are only given one option – bottle it up or get angry. Boys who do open up are often ridiculed and shamed – by men and women. If we don’t break that cycle, we’ll keep having unhappy, unloved men.
The change can only happen when one of us takes the massive risk of being “feminine” and opens up and when that opening up is accepted and loved. So, whatever your relationship is with this man, I’d give him the space to express however he sees fit and then love and accept him for it.
Get him into the gym.
Like right now.
The physical benefits are a fraction of the mental benefits you gain from a good, honestly stimulating workout. You keep doing this for a year, you won’t recognize the person you were when you first started. It’s life changing
Not if I can be of help, but I can relate to some level of what he might be dealing with. So bare with me, men in a general sense have an obligation to be the strong person, we’re not supposed to be down, not showing our vulnerable side. We men aren’t okay but we have to be for the sake of our families.
With that being said, I’m sure you’re doing your best. But just offer acts of love, maybe do some stuff that he usually does as routine. Or do an extra favor to make his day-to-day a little more easier. Offer some PDA, I know crazy,,,, but just a simple touch. Do something, or say something that would make him laugh.
Keep passing the reassurance that everything will be fine, give him compliments.
Crown him, give him that boost so that it might help him with the funk he might be in. There something that I wish I could attach to this comment. But I’m not that savvy. But it’s just some stuff that I can help on. An hopefully this will help. Wishing you the best.
Cuddles just cuddles is all I wanted when I was in my darkest place. It’s because of her, and her alone that I am still here.
For dinner get some take out food, drive somewhere with a nice view (thankfully I live near the ocean so for me it the beach), and eat your food in the car or at a bench to watch the sunset. Listen to the radio, or make a playlist of his favourite songs, and enjoy each others company. Talk about life, how he’s doing but let it come naturally, don’t force him to talk. If he doesn’t want to talk, just sit in silence and just be there with him. Hold his hand. Give him a peck on the cheek. Remind him you love him and are still there for him no matter what (if that’s how you feel, obvi don’t lie).
It’s enough to get him out of the house, doesn’t involve too much work, food makes people happy, and the sunset will be cool enough outside to avoid heatstroke (saw your previous comment). Plus, sunset colours are pretty.
1) don’t push him too hard
2) guide him towards doing miniature versions of what ha loves (walks, movies, food, whatever)
3) tell him you love him and give him unrequested hugs
Distract his mind. Do some of his favorite hobbies with him, get out of the house together, meditation, massage, reiki, suggest counseling (really is such a great tool, especially with the right therapist), journaling.
Bring him something interesting, unusual and uncomplicated.
Change of scenery. Visit fam or friends out if town.. or vacation if possible.
Suck him from the back.
Suck the nut out
You can’t be his therapist. Even if you’re 100% trained and licensed therapist, you shouldn’t be a therapist for a family member.
You can encourage him to go get help. There’s a stigma, guys think it’s a sign of weakness, but you may be able to get past that if you pitch it as “If your arm was broken, you’d go see an expert. If your tooth was loose, you’d go see an expert. Right now you’re struggling with your thoughts, go see an expert. That’s what they’re for.”
As someone who also naturally keeps to himself, the way I react to attempts to help is contrarian. It just makes me withdraw harder.
What I suggest is stop thinking of what you can do for him, and think of something he can do for you. A small problem to solve, something you need and will value. It takes the focus off him, gives him something to occupy his mind, and hopefully leads to a small victory. Feeling useful and needed is very helpful when down.
It may seem backwards but sometimes that’s the best way to change the stuck pattern.
Try to get him to see a therapist. Also BJs
I’m assuming you are his partner in some way and that might give you some control of his diet.
Make sure he’s eating CLEAN. Plants and animals only. And no added sugar. I’d be willing to bet his mental state improves very quickly.
Mental state is like 90% diet for me. I can feel myself becoming more and more depressed as I stray from clean foods. All the men I know are the same way.
Try asking him for help when you need to do something outside e.g. carry shopping in, company when you go to a park- show him you need him and hopefully he will focus on that rather than being outside. Keep it short and then gradually extend it as the weeks progress
Reach out to him let him know he’s got people on his life that cares. If you can get him out of the house; that would be awesome. It’s bad to let things fester/stew.
In the long It’s important that he finds help. But most importantly that he does it for himself, that he wants to make the change and be better/do the work.
This comes from someone who struggles at times