[20M] virgin who may potentially have some sexual trauma or some kind of weird hormonal issue. i would really benefit from another man telling me what PIV feels like

i have never interfaced with sex normally, i grew up thinking i was gay because when all my friends started going through puberty i realized i was a lot different from them. i then dated a boy and didn’t like it, dated a girl for a long while and did like it but we never had sex and i never wanted to. later began identifying as asexual until i met another girl who i never dated but she drove me fuuuuuucking crazy and there was definitely sexual attraction there. identify as demi now i guess but i’m so confused about my own sexuality i just don’t use a label anymore. it makes no sense to me. i’m getting my hormones levels tested in a month. i have a sex therapist who doesn’t believe there’s any repressed trauma going on

one of the big problems i have with sex is that i have a very strange notion that it hurts. i’ve never been able to enjoy pornography, where it’s the hyper sensationalized jackhammer sex or just “normal” amateur stuff. when i see a penis go into a vagina my reaction varies from feeling weird to actually physically convulsing. i unconsciously tighten my pelvic area when this happens which is something i never realized i did until quite recently.

i have a notion that the inside of a vagina is hard and that my penis will break off inside of it. i have no idea why i believe this. i know it’s obviously untrue but i can’t shake it. i’d really appreciate someone telling me what PIV feels like from the male perspective

i know this all sounds weird so you can ask any questions you’d like but please refrain from “i think you are X” as i’m trying to come to my own conclusion between myself and my doctor. but i know i am not gay. i’ve contemplated whether i have gender dysphoria but overall do not believe that is the case with me