hi, i recently read a post of someone going through a similar scenario and it prompted me to post my own and get a second opinion on if i am overreacting or not.
a couple weeks ago my boyfriend and i got really drunk at a bar and the last thing i remember is getting in the taxi back. after that i “woke up” (idk if i passed out or not, i don’t think i did) to him performing anal on me, something i definitely did not consent to. i also had large bruises on my arms that took longer than a week to heal.
last week i wanted to discuss what happened with him and he jumped to being defensive which he blamed on being drunk (his defensiveness and also what happened)he said i made him feel like he raped me. he also said he doesn’t remember what happened either when i pressed for answers. he was yelling a lot during this convo and wondered why if it bothered me why i waited til then to bring it up and how the day after i said it was fine. i remained calm and he calmed down and apologized for getting angry and for what happened but it didn’t feel like he took responsibility for what happened. i tried comparing what happened by asking him “how would you feel if i decided to stick a dildo up yours” and he said it wasn’t the same.
also for him being drunk and not remembering either, how could he have been blackout drunk also and still got hard / came inside me? is this common? i just have a lot of questions and none of them were really answered by him so i am at a loss what to do next. he is a really good boyfriend otherwise but he has misogynistic opinions that i’ve noticed in the 5 months of us dating. is this just a drunk mistake?
edit: he did stop when i came to and i was questioning what was happening because it took me a second to realize. later on that night he said he thought it was okay because i didn’t say no. he told me had already had came inside me. then a week later he said he doesn’t remember. i can’t either so it almost feels like i don’t have the right to be mad cuz i don’t know what i did or didn’t do to ask for that. but i know i wouldn’t ask for anal, that is what i do know.
24 comments
Well, he DID rape you. Drunkeness is not an excuse. No consent is no consent. Rape is rape.
His reaction here is VERY telling. Like you said he’s making excuses and avoiding responsibility. I have a very hard time believing that he has no recollection of what he did that night. I suspect he’s lying about that.
>but he has misogynistic opinions that i’ve noticed in the 5 months of us dating
🚩
So a few things. Yes, its possible to have an erection and finish, regardless how drunk one might be.
Now, what I feel are areas of concern.
1. He got very defensive about it. It could be his personality with things, however this makes me think he knew it was wrong but didn’t want to admit it, or he just felt entitled to it.
2. Even when very drunk, it would be rare to have one bruise somewhere, but several large bruises on your arms is a big red flag.
3. If he really cared for you, I can’t imagin getting defensive versus being concerned about what happend or more over, your perception of what happend. I only say “perception” because you did black out and dont know. This seems to point back to #1.
So a question for you. Had you not been black out drunk, would you have let him perform anal on you? Would you have felt any different about it if it wasn’t anal and there was no bruising?
I would strongly recommend you set some clear boundaries if you continue your relationship with him.
Omg I’m so, so sorry this happened to you! YES that is rape! His reaction is so telling. This is a very dangerous person if he can react like that after doing something so horrible. I’m so sorry!!
So he raped you. Go to the authorities and report it as soon as you are able if you choose to take that route.
This wasn’t a drunk mistake. He didn’t expect you to wake up and he assaulted you. Please report this incident because he will continue to do this to you and others. You can not trust this person.
I am so sorry this happened to you, you did not deserve it and it wasn’t your fault, that bastard was supposed to take care of you not abuse the trust you had in him. Please don’t let this go and teach him a lesson, alcohol or not there is no excuse. Report him to the police please he never forgets this and pays for it.
* he did rape you
* when *you* get drunk, do you shove things up unresponsive people’s assholes without their consent?
* this could have been physically damaging for you—you were passed out and unable to tell him if you were in pain, and it’s unlikely that he took the time to warm you up and use enough lube
* You are *not* overreacting
ETA: if he ejaculated inside you, there’s a low but non-zero probability of pregnancy
Why or how he raped you is **irrelevant.** You have bruises from trying to fight him off. He probably didn’t think you would remember and took liberties with you when unconscious. Thus, the anger and defensiveness. If he didn’t remember, why is he mad? If you didn’t say yes…That is rape. In a relationship or not, it is rape. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You deserve to be safe. Leave him, please! And call the police. Request a female officer. Message me privately if you need, I may be able to help.
You’re clearly not safe around him, which is the only thing that matters. You should definitely leave him.
He’s probably defensive because he’s being accused of a serious crime.
When you drink excessively, you bruise easy. Those bruises doesn’t mean he abused you.
I understand you feel violated because it’s something you wouldn’t do sober though.
OK I edited this part of my comment over and over because I do not want to make light of rape…. and I know I will get downvoted.
I do not understand how when 2 people get black out drunk and they have sex, it’s only rape for the woman? I could be very ignorant on this subject, I just don’t get it. So if someone can explain, that would be nice. I am a woman btw in case someone thinks I’m some Andrew Tater tot who hates women.
Okay his views on his role in the relationship are off. If he wants sex he needs full consent. Being passed out is not consent. He took advantage of you and the situation. It’s only been 5 months and if he’s already showing misogynistic tendencies and doing that to you, he might turn out to be one of those mental and physical abusers where they might be nice at first but then you notice small “quirks” like wanting to know where you are, controlling situations, over opinionated about who you hang out with, ect. If you choose to stay look for warning signs and self reflect. Especially if it feels a little off. 5 months isn’t long if you think about how long forever with the wrong person is.
Also note that he’s deflecting the situation by trying to blame you for not talking about it sooner. He obviously knows what he did was wrong and not admitting it is a major red flag. He didn’t take responsibility for it. If you choose to stay with him I would suggest counseling for him. Let him know that it made you feel unsafe and if he wants this relationship to work out I don’t see why he can’t go.
Side note: I work in a treatment facility with teens who have sex assault charges and this same situation happened with one of the kids and his gf. He denied it at first, got treatment, took responsibility for his action and discharged successfully. His mindset on how he
views and treats women have changed. I think your bf would benefit greatly with therapy or concealing.
If he says he doesn’t remember, and is getting defensive, sounds like he may know his life can be ruined if you so choose. Seems like you both need to get to know who you’re drinking and sleeping with a bit better before doing so.
He said he did not remember what happened either? So neither of you consented?
Oh I’m so sorry. You were raped. God I can’t believe he’s denying that I’m so so sorry. Please seek help or a support system. You’re a victim of sexual violence and he can’t deny that. Violence is violence even if it’s accidental, and even then you gave good reasons to believe it wasn’t. Please stay safe
He is NOT a good guy. He assaulted you in your sleep. Break up w him
He raped you and he knows it. Break up with him, he’s not safe
I haven’t seen this stated enough yet:
YOU CANNOT CONSENT WHEN YOU ARE INTOXICATED. And the absence of a no is NOT consent. Period end of story. These are basic tenets of consent. Sexual contact of any kind without consent is sexual assault. And it sounds like he knows that.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
“I definitely did not consent”….let’s be real love, you don’t have a fucking clue what you did, or did not consent to.
Goodamn its not rape she is his girlfrienD they where both drunk ,most normal thing to have sex with your girlfriend specially if both are drunk most times people get even more horny.But what might have happened is that you found out that your bf has some special sexual desires and fantasys ,that might normally not be fullfilled.Maybe he is into bdsm ,spanking etc.guys its just a normal preference if he likes very hard sex just talk about it and let him tell you if he normally misses something in your sexlife.believe me after that your sexlife will be much better.but you need to talk about your desires and kinks
Why would he “take responsibility”? You admit you were both drinking. How does it become his fault if he was as drunk as you? His behavior, while suspicious, could just be his feeling as bad as you do.
Where’s my collection of red flags…..
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
That’s rape.
People really need to stop confusing ‘black out drunk’ with ‘passed out’
If you are passed out then you are unconscious and cannot possibly consent. (It would be rape)
If you are black out drunk that just means you don’t have a recollection of what happened, but you *might* have been completely conscious at the time and possibly even appear sober enough to consent to stuff from a third party. It might be rape, or it might not.