TA because this feels quite embarrassing, but I’m hoping there’s some advice out there from folks who’ve been in similar situations.
Pre-covid I was a really bubbly and social person, I was popular at work and I was always hanging out with friends and comfortable in group settings. I definitely have always preferred smaller hangout sessions- and my norm is to gravitate towards a couple of closer friends or colleagues in any social setting. I’ve never been one for loud venues/partying.
I had a really rough time in COVID. Social anxiety, depression, my entire company closed down and so I lost a job with people I really liked, and I really struggled with the severe lockdown and isolation which followed. Towards the end of COVID I left the city and started a new job remotely in the countryside- being closer to nature has been great, but being a remote worker in a new place means I haven’t really picked up much of a social life.
Whilst I have 5/6 friends who I’m very close with and have picked up over the years through various jobs/through other friends, they’re quite scattered all over the place and a lot of our friendship is maintained virtually via texts and video calls etc. I guess I have just completely lost my confidence in certain social settings now, which brings me to the title.
I’ve been with my partner for 3 years now and whilst I’ve met most of his friends, I still find it difficult and really anxiety inducing to attend events with him. They’re very tight knit, a large group who have been friends for a decade and a lot of the social events are party based. I just do SO badly in these settings- and I’ve only been to the more relaxed gatherings/parties (as in not the more music focused socials). The music is always super loud, everyone is drinking, I don’t really know people well enough to feel comfortable and it feels impossible to make anything other than small talk over the music because that’s the setting.
They’re nice and friendly- it’s me that doesn’t fit in. I’m awkward, incredibly shy, zero confidence and in this settings I just completely freeze up. I don’t drink in settings I’m not comfortable in, and my anxiety gets so bad at these events that I just find myself completely overwhelmed and like a failure.
It’s just so weird because with my friends I am not like this. At work I am not like this. At home I am not like this. With my partner I am not like this. But I just don’t seem to have any confidence at all in this particular environment and it’s making things hard; I want to be able to fit in, you know?
I am neurodivergent so I don’t doubt that also plays a part.
TLDR: whilst I’m pretty confident in other areas of life, with my partner’s friendship circle I am reduced to a bumbling anxious mess. They’re super nice, this is certainly a reflection of something I need to work on, but it’s a struggle and I’m at a loss.
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I mean, I would hate trying to get to know people in that type of setting too. Can you and your partner start hosting game/movie nights at your place with smaller groups so that you can start getting to know them more personally? I’m sure if you develop a more intimate connection with each person in the group then the party setting won’t be so bad.
>The music is always super loud, everyone is drinking
This isn’t a you-problem. A lot of people struggle to socialize in a setting where you literally have to yell at people to be understood and there’s no real opportunity for actual conversation. It’s a fun thing to do with people you already know; not so much to really get to know people beyond flirtation.
Have you suggested other venues or activities to do together? Maybe you and your partner could organise a get-together with (some of) his friends sometime that’s more to your liking?
I mean the first thing that I’m curious about is, do you actually enjoy these loud parties where everyone is drinking? It’s okay to *not* attend every event your partner attends.
When my wife hangs out with her girls, I don’t ever plan on attending and when I’m hanging out with my friends, the same applies. The dynamic just changes with your partner there and you can’t enjoy the “friendship interaction as much”
Perhaps you could simply *not* attend these events.
If you still wanted to get to know his friends better, try to find or instigate another type of “hangout session” where you can feel more comfortable and have casual conversations more easily.
As a final thought, if ever you have a group too big to talk to, just try to talk to a few people or even a single person at a time.
I don’t think you should be embarrassed about this at all. It’s very, very difficult when you’re trying to break in to a new friendship group, especially one that has been established for a decade already! Is it a possibility for you to host a get together? That way you might be able to control the volume/drinking a little more? Or if that isn’t a possibility, is there a way of meeting only a couple of them at a time instead of the whole group which I’m sure is far more intimidating!
>I’ve only been to the more relaxed parties. The music is always super loud, everyone is drinking, I don’t really know people well enough to feel comfortable and it feels impossible to make anything
other than small talk over the music because that’s the setting.
Whats your defintion of a not relaxed party cause you just described a normal party. And how did you and your friends normally hang out.
What does your boyfriend have to say about your concerns?
I am neurodivergent too, so I get the anxiety surrounding social interactions.
Like others have said, maybe try doing a more intimate social setting, like inviting them over for a game night, or go out for dinner somewhere. Somewhere where you can actually talk and get to know one another. I know I take a while to open up and get comfortable around people, but once I get to spend some time with them I eventually get more comfortable.
You’re being hard on yourself and overthinking. I know how easy it is. In my CBT therapy, my therapist would make me write out what I am concerned about and the worst that can happen, like when I wanted to join a women’s golf league but was having too much anxiety. The worst that could happen is that I suck. But will it matter in 3 days? 5 days? a month? a year? No, it won’t. No one is going to care that I’m not a pro golfer, we’re just going to have fun. I try and talk my way through things like that when experiencing the debilitating anxiety before a social event.
Talk to your partner about it to let him know your anxieties/fears and see about setting up some smaller get togethers.
I mean if the music is super loud how does anyone make any conversation other than strained small talk?
That doesn’t sound like an environment conducive for meeting ppl in.
My friends go to clubs like that now and then. It’s not my fav cuz I feel like it’s actually very unsocial. We’re just packed in a room straining to hear each other and only go because we like dancing. We usually have dinner first and drinks at a more chill place where we can actually talk and hang out.
If we went straight to the clubs every night I feel like I really wouldn’t be having a relationship with my friends lol. And bringing a new person into that would be weird…they would stay strangers essentially. I don’t know if you’re just exaggerating or if your bf arrives to things late or if the only time he takes you to hang out is when they’re partying hard or if literally that’s the only type of “hanging out” they do…but your “relaxed party” comment is confusing. If that’s a relaxed party…with music too loud to talk, what is a unrelaxed party? People doing meth and break dancing constantly? Strobe lights and ear splitting dubstep without pause?
Haha I feel like I could have written this. Same situation, my SO has a ton of friends that have all known each other for decades. They basically only speak in in-jokes. While I have like 4 super close friends from middle school and that’s kind of it. Neither of our friend-situations is weird or wrong, just different! I also felt it incredibly hard to get to know any of his friends at first, and felt like an outsider for ages. Not because of anything they did, I’m just socially awkward and it takes a long time for me to get comfortable with people.
Could you suggest to your SO a hangout with a few of the friends at a time, in a different environment? That might give you more of a chance to get to know them better, without the overwhelming nature of their usual large get togethers. Hit up a brewery or coffee shop, go to a museum, have a game night?
Going to group events like that can be a lot. Maybe suggest smaller gatherings to your boyfriend with a couple of his friends you are interested in getting to know more or see you might have something in common with. A low-key brunch or coffee outing that’s relaxed, and you guys can visit and get to know each other in a more intimate setting. Then, when you come to the bigger events, you have more familiarity and don’t feel that pressure to be “best face forward partner.” There’s that extra level of wanting to be liked when it’s your partner’s circle, so that can really up the anxiety in busy settings like that. Having that established connection with his friends already will help to mitigate it.
Your anxiety in particular is the issue here, and it seems like it got worse over covid. A resistance to social anxiety is one of those “use it or lose it” kinds of things, and covid definitely made a lot of people lose it. You can gain it back again if you push through it.
I’m like you and my boyfriend is like your boyfriend. My solution is to just let him go to 80% of his friend gatherings without me, and I see them more one on one, for dinners out, if a few of them come to our house, etc. and same for him – sometimes he comes with when I travel to meet my friends who live far away and sometimes he doesn’t. His friends understand that they are a big group who have been bonded since college. I met them in my 30s and I can’t do anything about the fact that their dynamic was established years ago and they all act like 20 year olds in a frat when they are together. A lot of their partners feel the same!
Why do you desperately want to fit into this group? Maybe the fact you’re constantly thinking about it and trying to fit in is causing the anxiety you’re experiencing.
I’d personally look to develop a new social group outside of them. Maybe from a hobby, work friends, etc. Just start out yourself to create a social group that works for you.
If you must, maybe reach out to a few of the individuals you feel comfortable with in your partner’s group and ask them to meet up in a setting that works for you. That might help with breaking the ice and getting into the group.
But tbh id say just find your own tribe.
Is there any reason you have to go to these specific types of events, which sound not at all conducive to getting to know people? Why not suggest with your partner that you two socialize with some of his friends in smaller groups, maybe hosting at your place or inviting people out to dinner or whatever? If you can get to know some of them outside the specifically anxiety-provoking events, you might find these events less awful and/or might feel better about skipping out on them entirely.
Alternatively, it really is completely fine to just *not* be close with your partner’s friend group, if it doesn’t particularly bug your partner. If it’s really important to him that you integrate with these people and like these kinds of events then that’s one thing, but if not, let yourself off the hook here. It’s okay for there to be a kind of event your partner’s into that you skip out on 95% of the time.
Loud bars and parties are not great environments for getting to know people. It can be fun (for some) when they already know each other but it’s not where you go to forge meaningful bonds.
Ask him if he can invite some of them over for a regular hangout at home and just have a meal or some snacks, play some casual games and get to know each other without needing to shout.
1. Work on your self esteem.
2. Don’t force yourself to be in a setting you don’t like that much.
3. Discuss what you feel with your boyfriend.
4. If you decide to go to another party like that maybe focus on dancing? Or just be there and enjoy the music and smiles, don’t expect yourself to be a party animal 😉
I am actually party animal most of the time, but sometimes I feel introverted and I just write some lyrics in my notebook during the party, nobody ever had problem with that 🙂 what I love about partying with my people is that everybody can just be themselves, no expectations
I would struggle in such setting too. Nothing wrong with you. How can you even make more conversation over the loud music and with half drank people…I dislike even kids parties, not to mention adult ones😆
I suggest you invite his friends over for dinner or barbecue to your house, at your terms. Much better way to get to know them… Unless they are such party types who wouldn’t attend anything else than a drinking party. In that case I wouldn’t even be sorry and wouldn’t bother with them.. as that might not be the type of people you want to hang out with.