5 years together and things haven’t always been great, but up until today I would have said there are no large issues in our relationship. Since February I’ve really been getting my life together after a debilitating injury (and subsequent struggle with depression) a couple years back and lately I have been feeling better than normal.
My boyfriend recently got a new phone and I’ve been helping him sort out the transfer of data, since I’m more tech savvy. He left to go watch tv and left alone with his old unlocked phone, I got curious and decided to snoop. His sister is a very complicated person and since I’ve never met her, I just wanted to see what she was like in conversations with him. Not that it really matters why, I shouldn’t have been snooping and I really regret it now.
About a month ago, we had a cold snap where we live and my boyfriend and I were arguing over the thermostat (I’m from a warmer climate and I don’t always take the cold weather so well). It wasn’t even a real argument, more a disagreement in passing.
Well unbeknownst to me, I suppose he went upstairs and started complaining to his sister. It started innocently enough with a picture of the thermostat and complaints that it’s too warm in the house but that I think it’s a normal temp. His sister agreed with him and instantly started naming countries where brown people are from (I am brown skinned) and saying it wasn’t even as warm in those countries as in our house. He made a couple comments about my hygiene and related that to me being a brown person, and lied saying I shower only once a week (which is weird and just not true, I shower every day but not always in the morning, sometimes at night and sometimes he’s already in bed). He continued to complain that I make messes a lot and his sister questioned how he could have ever fallen in love with me. He implied I tricked him and she asked if he knew I was (my race) when we met, insinuating that my race should have been a hint to my apparent lack of hygiene.
I feel the need to justify myself and say that I am a well kept and clean person, I wear makeup and wash my hair, face, and body regularly. I don’t smell. I do laundry. But my closet room is my “messy space” in the house. It doesn’t matter, I know, I just feel extremely embarrassed, and exposed.
Anyways I’ve been crying for over an hour now, and I feel like I’m going to puke. We’re both working from home tomorrow and my head hurts just thinking about seeing him all day. I can’t even look at him, I feel so betrayed. And for him, this was a month ago and he’s just been walking around like normal, while thinking and saying these horrific things about me…
What do I do? Should I confront him? How do I go on like everything is normal? I’m thinking about leaving him but honestly I haven’t finished rehabilitation from my injury so I’m still at least 6 months to a year away from being fully independent and not needing to live with him…
Any advice appreciated.
49 comments
You should talk to him about it I think, and depending how that conversation goes you’ll need to decide between your dignity and your reliance in him /rehab. But I don’t think trying to ignore it for 6 months then ending things is a good option.
Snooping is frowned upon…but in this instance I do believe it was worth it.
Your stbx bf( I assume) is two-faced. And a heartless coward who would never say those untruths to your face. Imo there’s no coming back from this. The trust is gone. I suggest you heal as quickly as you can and leave this guy. He doesn’t deserve you.
First step is to get in touch with a social worker where your injury was treated and find out what options you would have if you lived without him. They may be able to sign you up for in home aid to help you. Next start looking for places you can afford on your own or with roommates.
When you have your ducks in a row leave his racist lying ass.
Uhm he sucks. But you need to talk to him about it before you become resentful of him. Be prepared for him to gaslight you into why are you reading my texts, that’s personal blah blah. You now know there’s a side to him which sucks. So talk to him and you decide how you want to move forward.
Do you have friends in the area? Is your work fully remote?
Make a plan and leave. There’s no way you can stay with him. He’s shown you how little he thinks of you.
I don’t know how you’ll last 6 days much less 6 months to a year.
I’m sorry
Woof. When people show you who they are, believe them. Sounds like sis is a racist and he is right there with her. You do not need this drama. There are so many guys out there that aren’t secret racists. You deserve better OP. Make a plan and GTFO. Good luck.
You can’t reason with bigots / idiots so there’s no need to confront. Work on getting yourself out first. Health is priority make sure you are using all the resources available whether you have Medicaid, Disability, or private insurance. Do you have any income coming in? Make sure everything is paperless as possible. Then work on relocating to living with family, friends, or rehab long term care facility.
Do you have family that would take you in? This is awful.
Do not say anything to him. You are not in a position to leave…as yet!
I would make a long term plan to leave him. It will be hard but, you need to support yourself. Finish healing, get your therapy, make sure you get a job, save money & look for an apartment.
Then when you are ready, leave. Do not get pregnant. You deserve to be with someone who respects you.
This is just awful on his part. These weren’t just annoyed comments of his. To speak about someone like this and attribute things to their race is just disgusting. Him and his sister are trash
Please know none of this is true. I’m sorry your bf lied and I truly have no idea why he dated you when he was a racist
All I can say is talk to family and friends about what you should do. Can you go with anyone else you trust at least during your recovery? If I were you I would get a plan on how I am leaving. Screenshot his messages and send them to myself incase I need to revert back to them. Then when the time comes to leave calmly leave. You don’t owe him anything when it comes to respect as he clearly didn’t give you his. The comments are inexcusable. I get we all complain about our SOs but to make up lies and insult someones race? That is just deep seated hate. I wish you well. I feel terrible you spent so much time with an asshat
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This could stem from feeling resentment and being trapped in the relationship because of your injury. He may want to break up but feels he can’t leave you right now and his resentment is coming out in this spitefull way.
His racist shit is pretty unforgivable.
I would calmly sit down and say you snooped ( you are sorry) but you read some very hurtfull things that made you realise he’s unhappy in the relationship. Ask him in a dignified way to allow you to continue to live together for 6 months as room mates until you can leave.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Can you honestly imagine having kids with this AH now? Run girl.
Seems pretty clear to me. He’s a racist guy obviously, and probably set his expectations down when you became an option for him, because he didn’t have any other one.
He should be your ex. His comments are unacceptable.. to anyone!!!!!!! Disgusting.
I am so sorry, try to find a way to live without him.
5 years and you haven’t met his family? Are they on another continent or has he been hiding you from then because he or they are racist? Does his sister call him out on his racist comments?
I’m so sorry you found out this way but this isn’t something you can sweep under the rug. You snooped for a reason. It might be time to admit this relationship isn’t working.
If you try to hide this for 6 months to a year, you’ll have developed a completely different disorder by the time the current one is cleared up. Start planning NOW so that as soon as the need is there, you can act.
Take a deep breath and be smart. Don’t screw yourself over because your heart is hurting.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Get your ducks in a row. Get your finances in order. Plan your departure. There’s nothing worth saving here. Don’t try to mitigate it, don’t lie to yourself, don’t give him the opportunity to spin it any other way. For whatever reason, he threw you under the bus to his sister, for some sort of clout. It’s gross. He’s a creep. But don’t screw yourself, in a knee jerk reaction. Plan your departure for maximum damage to him, be it financial or emotional. You deserve better. Go get it.
Apparently you snooped exactly when you should have
UpdateMe!
Don’t beat yourself up for “snooping.” Your boyfriend and his sister are racists, you clearly had a sense something was wrong and he wasn’t being honest with you, and you were right.
He’s a shithead, you just need to leave.
Please start looking at your options and make a plan to leave as soon as you can; a year is a long time if you’re not 100% well and I don’t think you should risk your mental health by staying with someone so contemptible and willing to be so vile about you behind your back. Avoid him if you can but I suspect that he will know something is wrong, and am sure it will all be turned round on you because he sounds awful.
Lean on friends or family for help because I’m sure they would know you don’t ask unless you really need it.
>I feel the need to justify myself and say that I am a well kept and
clean person, I wear makeup and wash my hair, face, and body regularly. I
don’t smell. I do laundry. But my closet room is my “messy space” in
the house. It doesn’t matter, I know, I just feel extremely embarrassed,
and exposed.
“The function, the very serious function of racism
is distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you
explaining, over and over again, your reason for being. Somebody says
you have no language and you spend twenty years proving that you do.
Somebody says your head isn’t shaped properly so you have scientists
working on the fact that it is. Somebody says you have no art, so you
dredge that up. Somebody says you have no kingdoms, so you dredge that
up. None of this is necessary. There will always be one more thing.”
-Toni Morrison
Question, what the hell did you mean by “borderline?” There’s nothing ambiguous about his racism. At. All.
Save up then leave.
Fact is whenever there is any vulnerability or power imbalance the man will abuse it and out comes racist/sexist things. Don’t date men outside your race.
Woah you need to leave. This relationship is absolutely OVER. Please please make the smart choice and make your exit plan asap
You have no idea the tone or the context of the messages. Do he and his sister have a relationship where they make fun of each other and aren’t serious?
Unless you actually need help with transfer from bed to a wheelchair – I’d suggest getting a new place to live.
The other obstacles have workarounds (Like you can have food delivered to your home by instacart) – you can have household help through your health insurance – etc..
Get a social worker – have them help you. (Or an outreach worker). You mentioned you have had depression for a while so I’m going to presume you have a therapist and they can get you set up with someone to help you with this.
I’d make a long term plan to leave – not only is he disrespectful and racist, but his sister is too – not really a family I’d want to be a part of.
I don’t think I would confront him unless pressed but I would 💯 leave a vacancy in this relationship and end it.
You shouldn’t regret finding something that is a pretty big deal. Whether you snooped or not, there is an obvious reason why after five years you’ve not met his sister – it’s because she is racist and so is he and if you met her, they’d probably be unable to hide it.
You probably snooped because you had an intuition something was off. You’ve never met his sister and you’ve been with him for 5 years? That’s super weird.
I agree with other commenters that you should leave him. He is a racist two-faced liar and it’s unacceptable. But take your time and get things sorted first.
Reach out to your medical team, the social worker at your clinic, nurses, about how to get the resources you need to live independently. There’s a lot of adaptive equipment, home health aides, etc that you may qualify for.
Reach out to family and friends. Ask for help. The people who love you will want to help you. They may be able to assist with moving or home cleaning or financially or whatever it is you need to live on your own.
You can do this. Your boyfriend is a piece of shit and you deserve better. I’m sorry he’s done this to you. Don’t believe him if he apologizes/grovels. He showed who he really was when he thought you weren’t looking.
Get screenshots if you can. Make a game plan and let it play out. Don’t let on you know anything, make sure you are on birth control, separate your finances if they aren’t already (make up some excuse). Sometimes it takes time to accomplished a well thought out plan.
What a shame! It sounds like this idiot probably does care for you but do not let that sway your decision to leave. His sister sounds like she’s the racist, and he is ignorant. She more than likely is the influencer over him.
Get yourself well, try to act normal get a plan and leave.
Why.. why would you stay with someone like this? You read what his true feelings are. How could you ever get past those? He sounds like sort of an unstable person to me. Who does shit like that, that’s kinda crazy. :/ I’m sure you’re not the problem, it sounds like he definitely is. You need to find someone whom you can trust who actually likes you ALL the time and won’t shit talk you. If your best friend told you her bf did this to her, what would you want her to do?
Make plans to leave your boyfriend. Check with your insurance, government, & charitable organizations for disability care options first, then walk.
Besides the racism, it sounds like the relationship is a bit mediocre. You deserve a fulfilling life with a partner who cherishes you and wants to introduce you to his family.
>5 years together and things haven’t always been great, but up until today I would have said there are no large issues in our relationship. Since February I’ve really been getting my life together after a debilitating injury (and subsequent struggle with depression) a couple years back and lately I have been feeling better than normal.
…His sister is a very complicated person and since I’ve never met her…
There is no borderline.
Your boyfriend and his sister are racists.
It’s easier to add layers when it’s cold. Yta.
I don’t see how you come back from this, you know what he truly thinks of you and it isn’t nice. I think it’s easy to assume someone isn’t racist if they date outside their race but clearly not in your case.
You do not need to justify yourself to anyone, ever. You need to leave asap. Your bf is toxic and racist. I’m sorry, its hard when you love and trust someone.
Absolutely leave him. I’ve complained about my partner to my fam or friends before, but not ever about her cultural, ethnicity, or ‘race’. (She’s not white and not American). They’re both gross unreconstructed racists who just put on a nice face in public. Plus, if he thinks you “tricked” him into being w you, he does not appreciate you. You have the element of surprise. Go for walks, see friends, decide how you feel, but if you wanna just dip, do it. Find a friend, make it work. But that was painful to read and I’m so so sorry bc you don’t deserve that
Well, I’d certainly make preparations to dump him as soon as possible. He doesn’t hate you. He hates who you are. There is no future with a person like that.
what do you mean what do you do? you dump his racist arse………say nothing and get your shit sorted and make plans. start by telling him you are gonna do a spring clean and pack some stuff away, but really start packing to leave that pos. then when you are ready to leave hand him the phone open on that chat and walk away without a word. that’s what you do. and thank the gods you don’t have kids with him!
* plan your exit.
* keep evidence.
* stay safe.
* put important papers where you alone can get it.
* stop buying stuffs and start making a list of what you will get rid of.
* consolidate your friends and family support.
* prepare to a rapid leave (a week-end or less).
* have a secret haven.
* show signs of depression to justify your change of behaviour.
snooping is usually bad, yes, but considering what he said is fucking awful it cancels out your bad deed completely imo.
as others said, make sure he has no control over you. don’t have shared finances, or if you already do plan and disconnect the finances. leave him on your terms, but make sure you’re not gonna be leaving anything else, too.
you deserve someone who will love you, that man clearly is incapable of that. ( and apparently incapable of basic fucking humanity. ) do not let him hurt you, detach from him like the leech he is. do not let him have any of your finances. if he’s on the lease, then I’d move out and take all your stuff with you.
( maybe during the night while he’s asleep? you’d have to be quick, or you can do it more gradually, like taking things a few boxes at a time. )
I hope you have family to stay with, but if you don’t maybe a friend? or you can rent an apartment/hotel for the time being and put your stuff in a storage unit.
you’re worth more than what you can give to others, and he’s not important enough to care about the opinion of if he can’t even give out basic human empathy. I wish you well and peace with your splitting up, and I hope the jackass leaves you alone after this. you will find someone better, someone who truly loves you, it may take a while, but it’ll happen.
can you live with á different helper?
don’t use him
gtfo asap
yuck
I’m nearly speechless. I’m just horrified for you. Please follow the other advice given to plan your escape. This man is bad. He’s racist and awful, and he has you on the defensive which tells me he’s already eroding your confidence and self-esteem. You absolutely deserve so much better OP. Whatever hate and lies he’s spewing is 100% about him and 0% about you.
Well that’s fucking rude. What an asshole.