I have a high body account and ashamed. Can I still be loved?

29 comments

1. [deleted]

2. M65. I have zero concern about body count. My concerns about partners boil down to are they a good giving, caring person, and is their libido high enough to be compatible with me.

   If I was an attractive woman with my libido, my body count would likely be higher than the number of days that I was sexually active. Every day would be like an all you want sexual banquet. Ah, if only!

3. You only live once and life is short, nobody needs to know the truth about your body count if you’re worried about your future partners judging you and it doesn’t make you any less of a person what bad you did when you’re paying the price of learning these lessons the hard way

   It simply doesn’t matter what your body count is whatever age you are – irrelevant, trust me

   If u really want to date someone who seems to care about body counts then don’t tell them your body count – there’s no rulebook saying you have to disclose your sexual history to anyone in life. It’s your life, nobody else’s business tbh. focus on being a healthy happy positive supportive and loving partner. Take the time to learn how to love yourself properly

4. >Is it possible for me to be honest with ppl about my number and past and still be loved by a good man?

   You’re mistaking morality with sanctimony.

   I mean, yes: you may have some extra challenges finding the right guy. But I actually don’t think you will. At the end of the day, relationships take place between people, not bodies, and the guy who’s right for you is looking for… Well, you. And he doesn’t want to change anything about you for fear that, if he did, you’d stop being the woman he loves. So, in this context, what is your body count? The answer is, A convenient way to filter out the wrong guys! You can be efficient! And considering that dating is largely about filtering out the wrong guys, extra filters are never a hindrance. =)

5. Some people might care, some won’t.

   Those that don’t care will say things like “what happened before doesn’t matter, only the current moment does” or “more past experiences makes you more skilled”.

   Those who do care would say things like “it makes our relationship/sex less special/romantic” or (especially with the cheating) “past behavior can be an indication of future behavior so I don’t know if I can expect your commitment”.

   Both of these are valid perspectives and of course it will affect how future potential partners view you. I wouldn’t know what the ratio is between these two in real life (keep in mind Reddit is an echo chamber which very much leans towards sexual freedom).

6. It’s really no one’s business and it’s not like anyone knows. You don’t have to share it.
   If it’s any consolation, back in the Woodstock days, 43 wouldn’t shock anyone.

   Live your life the way you want, and in a way that pleases you, whatever end of the spectrum you land on.

7. Some will always care. Some wont care at all. Just the way it is.

8. Barring STDs there is nothing harmful about having a lot of sex with a lot different people. I feel like we have really back tracked on the sexual revolution when we worry about stuff like that and pathologize lust. Don’t worry about people who will judge you. It’s a waste of your time. There are plenty who won’t. Not everyone has a prudish, sexist stick up their ass. Just live your best life how you see fit no matter how many or how few sexual partners are involved in it. You aren’t a nun. This isn’t the dark ages. You have condoms, you have pills, you have many forms of BC and tests you can take regular to make sure you are safe.

9. 43 isn’t that high for an average woman nowadays lmao…

10. My wife was similar to you when we got together at 18, and I didn’t care about her number because she chose me over the others, but after 2 months she cheated on me which brought all her past into our marriage. 20 years later it is still an issue (she bragged about her past to a guy 10 years ago). So as long as you truly change your ways, and want to be a better person it is not an issue I believe.

11. I am not even sure what my body count is. I know it’s pretty fucking big. But! That doesn’t mean that you can’t be loved.

    Girl. You’ll find someone if you want to, in the mean time, have fun. You only live once. But always have them wear protection! Best of luck xoxo

12. Good god that’s a lot. I wouldn’t be interested, but that’s just me. Some guys don’t care, you should always be up front about it. I would just go for guys with similar numbers. -22m

13. I’m not slut shaming or anything, but generally based on age I look for unusual numbers and want to know why as something unexpected could be a sign of sexual issues or the ability to fine in a successful relationship. For example, if a 40 year old woman only had two partners, of the partners were two brief flings, that would probably be a big flag regarding sex and relationship issues. On the other hand if the woman had sex with one partner in high school and met a guy when she was 19 and was in a relationship for the next 20 years, that wouldn’t be an issue.

14. Let me put it in the perspective of a man, It comes down to a gamble in the end. A man will gamble his time, affection, resources and overall energy on you with the hope that you’re someone that can commit to him. Women who’ve indulged in casual sex 9/10 can’t commit due to the precedence they’ve set of having different sexual experiences, on different places, occasions with different people. It’ll be hard to change that behavior from the snap of a finger. So like a junkie falling out of rehab they tend to cheat chasing a quick fix. It’s not that they want to cause harm to their partner most of the time, it’s that they crave a new sexual experience so bad that staying loyal can’t satisfy. It’s normal human behavior, once you over indulge in instant gratification and make it a constant habit it’s hard to break off it. It’s definitely possible but it’s hard. Now, a woman with a low body count could possibly cheat too but it’s less likely because they tend to consider sharing their intimacy as more of a big deal than a woman with a high body count, making her more likely to be loyal. The probability of a woman not wasting a man’s time lies with the more inexperienced woman therefore making it the better choice when selecting a partner. With all that said? Why would I gamble on a high body count when there’s a better chance a low would be safer.

15. Past behaviour is a good indicator for Future behaviour and change takes time.
    So some people will care about that.

    The question is why you did it, what do you want now and how do you want to change?

    Its not only that you have to get rid of your childhood trauma now you have to relearn sexuality.
    How can the man at your side be sure, that you stick to him. Exspecially in bad times?
    How can he know you didnt have better sex with a random dude you once met?
    How can he know theres no sexual trauma he may triggers when having sex with you?
    How dies he know you will be a good partner? You have 0 experience with longterm relationships.
    How does he know your selfworth is not still linked to other men wanting sex with you?
    How can you find selfrespect again?
    How are you sure you have no STDs there are alot you cannot test or dont get testet in the screening?
    …

    And there are alot more points.

    It’s hard to change and it’s hard to work all that out. If you can manage that you’re still able to have a good relationship if you dont work on that you probably will fall Back to your old self.

16. Number of past sexual partners is the number 1 predictor of future infidelity and divorce. The higher the former, the more likely the latter.

    Men intrinsically understand this (women aren’t the only ones with intuition). Most men in the real world will care about this, but certainly not all. Subs like this one are a bit of an echo chamber, so it’s not exactly the real world, which is something to keep in mind. This is true of the internet in general.

17. I think you still deserve love. If it were me, I’d work on learning to love myself for a while and take a break from dating/sex. It sounds like you don’t like your sexual behavior and you had some issues growing up. If you can explore those aspects of your life with a therapist, work on finding other ways to get whatever sex provides for you, and generally figure out ways to live the kind of life you prefer to be living, do that first.

    Then, when you’re ready to date again and meet people you want to be with, don’t focus on body count numbers or whatever. Find someone you really like and them know you — who you are, who you were. You aren’t a set of g cups and a body count. You’re a person worthy of love, kindness, and respect. Believe it. Live into it. Let them see it.

    What they do then is up to them, but you will have done the essential work of living into the version of yourself you want to be, which is all you can control.

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20. I had a higher body count by the time I was your age and now I’m married to the most amazing man who knows about my past and couldn’t care less. We have 2 kids and a wonderful life. There is nothing wrong with you having a high body count. Relax. You’ll be fine.

21. I think the most important part of this is actually you reflecting on the situations to see 1. How do you feel about it? 2. How do you perceive sex in the past and what do you want it to be about in the future? (Casual, long term relationships only?) 3. Is there a reason why you chose to have sex with these people? Attraction, validation, insecurities, just for fun?
    If you are ashamed or insecure, it may be beneficial to do some counseling or self reflecting first.

    I think as long as you are confident in who you are and own it and know what you want, it’s not a big deal. If you have underlying trauma or emotional issues relating to sex, probably work on that before getting into a long term relationship.

22. If someone truly loves you, your body count isn’t going to matter to them. It’s also up to you whether or not you want to tell them. You are worthy of love no matter what.

    The cheating, people can change, but they have to want to change. I’m not sure if you cheated on him? Or if you mean you cheated on others and he’s worried about you doing it to him. Either way, if he’s accepting you and moving forward, he needs to trust you won’t do it again/won’t do it to him. He can’t throw it in your face in y’all are trying to heal and forgive.

    As far as the std thing, people who are virgins can get stds. Body count doesn’t matter, it just means there’s a higher risk factor for it. Also, some stds, like HSV can lie dormant and show negative on IGG testing, then appear years later. Some doctors don’t include it in a standard 10 std panel test. So people think they’re negative and they’re not. You could also get ghsv1 from your man or him from you if either of you have ohsv1. So while it didn’t start out as an “std”, it can become one. Please keep that in mind going forward.

    Keep going to therapy, keep working on yourself. Just remember, people have to want to change to do better. No matter what, you deserve love.

23. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/202011/should-couples-really-share-their-sexual-histories?amp

24. You can definitely change but it’s going to take commitment and self control. Everyone deserves love and when you find that person who you really care and love it will be easier. Better yourself and learn from your mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up over the past or even if you make mistakes but continue to work on being better.

25. Personally I think it would be a pro for me. Means you like sex lol

26. It’s tough to say but start with therapy to find out why you need physical validation.

27. First, heal yourself before anything else. That’s awesome that you recognize there’s a problem and are getting help. It will help curtail both your harmful urges and your feeling of guilt. Second, why would your bf have a problem with you cheating in past relationships if you never cheated on him. That shows you are trying to better yourself and have more love and respect for him more than anyone else in the past. And finally, it’s understandable to feel bad or guilty about your past actions, but they are just that… past. Who cares how many partners you’ve had? Anyone that does is not the person for you. You have grown since then and are not that same person. Plus, you don’t ever have to divulge and number if you don’t want. And how do you know your exact # (43)? lol Please stop torturing yourself. In all likelihood, it stems from something in your childhood. Work through it all with your counselor… the root cause, the ability to forgive yourself, the urges. You’re gonna be ok. And you’re gonna be a happier more confident person after getting through all of it. I promise. Just do the work. That’s all.

28. As an older guy, who also ran around non-stop as a youngster, running up a body count that would have made Atilla The Hun jealous, I understand your concerns. But let me tell you, I have a wonderful, beautiful Wife, have been with her for more than 20 years, and have never even been tempted to sleep around. For me, it was low self esteem, brought on by abandonment issues, that triggered my promiscuity. I was lucky to be handsome, kind of funny, and easy to talk to. You appear to be quite attractive yourself, and as you said, get attention from men. I think you need to think about why you were promiscuous. There is a reason. I love sex; but that wasn’t the reason, as I stated. If you want to be happy, and feel secure, you need to figure out why you are doing what you do. The fact that you are posting about it would indicate that it’s behaviour you want to change. It might be pretty easy; it might be difficult. But you should consider taking that step first and asking yourself some important questions. After that, believe me, things will become easier.

29. Sounds like religious trauma may be a factor here.

    Your body count doesn’t matter nearly as much as your current emotional availability. If you are bogged down by all these past encounters and they weigh in you and are a huge part of you and get discussed often in new relationships then ya, it matters. But that’s true for a body count of 1. Having baggage and bringing it to a new relationship is far more damaging than having a past that you’ve left behind.