I appreciate his honesty. And I’m happy he didn’t lie to me.
I just don’t know what to do or say.
I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.
I know I’ve gained weight, and I’m incredibly insecure about it. I wear baggy clothing all the time, I’m embarrassed. I’m not saying he’s wrong, it just hurts to hear come out of his mouth.
***please no comments about how I should leave him. I don’t want to do that, I just don’t know how to feel.****
39 comments
Sexual attraction partially depends on physical appearance. For some emotional aspect makes it less relevant, for some it doesn’t impact the physical attraction.
He can’t force himself to be turned on by you. It is how it is.
Depends on the reasoning for your weight gain, are you overall not feeling well, are you depressed, were you pregnant, did you start medication? It is normal for weight to fluctuate but if you gained a significant amount in a short period of time something is not right.
You are allowed to feel sad, and angry, and hurt. You said you’re wearing baggy clothes which suggests you aren’t happy with the way you look? Imagine what would you like to look like and feel like and start working on yourself. Being happy is more imortant than looks. And do it for yourself only.
I don’t know in which direction the conversation with your husband went but it does not sound like he is someone who respects you and loves you for who you are. He should’ve asked you are you feeling okay if this weight is unusual for you and help you overcome whatever’s been happening. It’s hard not to tell you to leave him he sounds inconsiderate and if you’re already feeling insecure about your looks like you’ve said, he just made everything 10x worse.
Holy shit, these responses are wild. Everyone is harping on the dude without knowing any of the actual details. What if OP asked him about it? What is he supposed to do, lie? And if his attraction to her went down, is he supposed to force himself to have sex with her? Someone said “he has decided to use weight as a weapon for no intimacy”. No, he just doesnt feel like having sex with someone he isnt attracted too anymore.
Yeah, it sucks and nobody wants to hear something like this, but at least now OP knows what the issue is and can do something about it. It can be anything from leaving and finding someone who is attracted to her at her current size or loosing some of the weight.
Drink Lots of water, start walking an hour a day, you will lose weight and feel better, and perhaps he will join you.
It’s painful and sucks but atleast he is being honest. In this world not every one falls in the same category when it comes to attraction. I’ve lost 110 pounds while my partner has nearly gained and I still want sex with her all the time. Does that make me morally better than your partner? I don’t believe so because he wired the way he is wired. He is attracted by visual stimuli and lots of weight gain isn’t physically appealing.
The good news is weight can be managed and controlled with exercise, disciplined diet, and in your case possibly medical intervention if you’re honestly trying to lose weight and it doesn’t come off. Something as simple as your thyroid could be causing the issue and for most a simple T3 prescription is enough to fix it in most cases. If not there is no shame in getting weight loss surgery.
Have you considered changing your lifestyle?
Your lack of confidence is probably a major factor in how he sees your weight gain. You are ashamed of your body too. So there is a good chance that this is isn’t just that you gained weight.
Do a full body stretch every morning and every evening.
It depends on the circumstances to me. When I was with my ex, I was super unhappy about our diet. I would stick to my three meals a day, and then had to watch how my ex scoffed on yoghurt, icecream, crisps and then candy. And then he’d moan about still being peckish. I told him I was unhappy about my weight, and I wanted to do something about it together…. But he didn’t want to adjust his food intake. It was torture to see him binge and I was restricting myself.
I finally made the step to take daily walks, and they became runs, and then I joined a gym. My ex left, or rather I kicked him out for cheating, and so I could improve our diet by going vegetarian and increasing veggies in our menu.
The kids were fairing much better with a happier mum. I lost 20kg’s. In hindsight I might have been too restrictive. I’ve gained a few kg’s back again. But I feel that I am now in the sweet spot of just being healthy and doing what I love.
I feel so good about making those changes. I hope you get to take that step for yourself too. Perhaps even together x
What is so wrong with being honest and there is a fix u and hım both start going to gym for each other thats it
If you want to keep him you’ll have to start tracking calories and exercising. No way around it.
Why would anyone suggest you leave him? Physical attraction is usually an important component of a romantic relationship, and of course it can affect sex. He told you the truth. Either you internalize it and better yourself (for you, not for him), or you don’t, and continue as you are.
you can stop kicking yourself, sign up for a gym, and go on a diet.
I went through a similar situation recently, kind of still happening. Only it’s a new relationship. The guy I’m seeing told me (after I asked explicitly) that he did not find me to be a 10 (in his opinion) but really likes me and that doesn’t matter. He said that I didn’t really come across as someone who was trying to be extra attractive or catch guys attention. Which is definitely important, especially in the beginning. Again, HE had no issues and would have continued to see me regardless.
However, he did make me realize I kind of gave up on myself in some ways. History: I was married for 20 years (divorced 1 year ago). I was depressed for many years and never really bothered taking care of my outer beauty. The past year, I’ve spent a lot of time getting back into shape, eating and living healthier, etc. I realized it was time to change the outside to match and new guy open my eyes to that. I updated my hair because it had been the exact same for ten years, used better makeup that suits my face and complexion, and different clothing choices because everything I had was baggy and I’ll fitting. I lost weight and feel/look good. I have to stop hiding it! It feels really good to put in a little more effort, more than I have in years.
Please, no hate for him either. He wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t ask. He kind of regrets being honest because I was upset for while but doesn’t want to lie either. I respect and love that about him. My ego just needed time to heal, it’s not easy to hear these things or step back and take a good look at yourself. We have talked it though and I feel so much better about myself. I’m not saying women need new makeup, hair, and clothes to be a 10 but in my case, I wanted it and like it much more. I really was just half-assing it for far too long.
Talk to him for advice, work with him. You recognize that you have been gaining weight, but thankfully it’s something you can control. It could even be a nice thing you two do together, gym dates, cooking together, etc
Get your thyroid checked out along with your hormones. I wish you the best
OP, hearing your loved one say something like this always hurts. Especially when you’re already self conscious about your body.
If you’re really going to stay with him, you can say, “Thank you for your honesty. I do appreciate it.”
As for what you do, that’s up to you. If you want to do something about it, start dieting and exercising. Perhaps ask your husband to workout with you.
I just want to say that if you’re going to try to lose the weight, don’t do it for him. Do it for yourself. You’re the one who lives in that body. Appreciate your own shape. Realize that you’re improving your own health with each rep and footstep you take. The fact that you’re also becoming more attractive should be a plus to you for all the other benefits you get from working out.
Good luck!
I doubt this came out of nowhere. And if it was a discussion about your intimate life, then he gets credit for his honesty. You said you were insecure about the weight, so this has clearly been on your mind as well.
It’s now in the open. It can either be rug swept or the two of you can make a plan. Losing weight is not at all hard if you have his support and you are of a mind to do it. Also, baggy cloths are not the answer. They just make you look bigger.
Good luck
It’s always hard to hear that, but the fact that he could tell you that likely means he feels close and intimate with you as well as trusts you. Likely y’all have a strong relationship.
Gaining weight happens to the best of us. but we have to move past that. Don’t burn yourself out, start small but take steps to lose weight. Like, start by going on a walk daily. Not necessarily cutting out foods but watch your portions. Just get [started.](https://started.At)
And yes it does hurt, sometimes the truth hurts. But it’s better that he told you so that you could do something about it, instead of never talking about it and him stepping out of the marriage. At the end of the day, attraction matters. Going to the gym as a couple can be such great quality time too and you’ll feel better.
He’s been honest with you which is always the best way. I’d rather people be brutally honest with me than lie to me. Make the effort to loose some weight and everything will be all good.
I have put on a lot of weight which I put down to medication. But after I stopped the medication it still wouldn’t shift. I’m severely anaemic. Severe iron deficiency slows your metabolism to the point you can’t lose weight. I just need an iron infusion (via IV) and I expect it to shift once my metabolism starts working again.
**If you’re chubby and tired all the time it could be because of this.**
He gets points for being honest. Many men are taught to be polite so as not to offend. It’s difficult to be honest with your spouse regarding things you know will hurt their feelings and potentially cause long-term anxiety.
Most men are attracted to these basic characteristcs:
Fit
Feminine
Friendly
Cooperative
Women have their own and often different preferences.
Best of luck in your relationship.
You can use that hurt to propel you towards better life. Not sure reason for your weight gain – some might be hormonal, stress related or not health issues related. You can try to work on it through exercise if it can be worked on and get his help in keeping you motivated as well. But weight aside, you need to start loving yourself and your body because confidence does most work. Someone who’s confident in their body and can flaunt it is always attractive than someone who’s not confident with their body and tries to hide behind baggy clothes.
Y don’t u start making healthy choices and start trying to lose weight? I missed y this isn’t a option
Then it is to the gym if you don’t want to leave him…He has made it clear, so you have a choice. Either lose the weight or leave him. Frankly it feels better to be in good shape in so many self esteem ways…There are many posts like this on Reddit, you are not the only one.
Yesterday a wife was complaining about her nasty ass husband’s lack of hygiene.
I think married people need to remember that your spouse should not love you unconditionally. That is parental love.
I truly believe each person needs to hold themselves accountable when it comes to desire and sex. Once that is gone. The relationship fizzles.
I agree with you, he’s not bad for saying that. It hurts but at least he’s giving you the option to correct by communicating honestly.
Obviously, you don’t need to leave your husband because you gained weight. But this is a problem that needs to be solved or else you’re going to be miserable together for the next 50 years.
So what’s the solution? Can you permanently shrink your body down to a size that he is attracted to or can he become attracted to you at the size you are now?
Most people don’t realize that there are complex physical and psychological reasons why losing a significant amount of weight and keeping it off forever is a rare occurrence. People are gonna be blabbering on about going to the gym and doing healthy eating and that ain’t it. Significant sustained weight loss is all about keeping it off. Most people can lose weight once, very few can keep that lost weight off for good.
So no, you don’t leave your husband because of this conversation. But you both need to recognize that you now have a significant problem in your marriage. And you need to work very hard to maintain your self-esteem and your self-worth. If you weighed 1000 pounds, you are still a valuable human being worthy of being loved by others and yourself. And your husband isn’t required to be attracted to you if you’re 1000 pounds. He’s allowed to have his own feelings about that. But try to avoid measuring your worth by whether or not, he is still attracted to you.
Well to avoid intimacy issues and your own negative feelings about it, do something about it then.
That means eating better/less and exercising, a life style change.
I’d say worry about your feelings less, and start learning and taking positive action.
Besides, it is a spouses job to keep their spouse in check when they are giving into their self destructive tendencies. It sure as hell isn’t to support all their habits, good and bad.
Why would you leave him for saying that? Some people in these comments are goofy as hell
You’re insecure about it, obviously unhappy about it and it’s causing issues in your marriage…but there’s a fairly simple solution to all of this, join a gym and lose it
Sorry, I’m sure it stings. Still, spouses are still human with their own wants and needs. People that think once you get married they find you irresistible well into your 90s are delusional. It waxes and wanes, I get lazy and then I get fit and the sex picks up. It’s totally normal. The good thing is he is not bullshitting you, you can also hold him to the same standard.
I’ve been Married 12yrs so take that into consideration when reading all these 23 year old Redditors that aren’t married telling you to divorce immediately (lol).
My wife will straight up roast me about sitting on my ass, but she’ll also get me to the gym and we cook and diet together when I fall off the wagon.
This is your life partner being honest with you, so much better than having someone bullshit you. Try going to a gym together? There’s also some good healthy companies that send ‘boxes’ you can cook that are healthy and make for a fun date activity.
(1) I personally don’t think your husband is an asshole (like some here do) for telling you how he feels; honesty is generally the best policy, although there are certainly kind and not-so-kind ways to communicate this kind of thing; hopefully he is being as kind as possible
(2) weight gain can be caused by all sorts of issues, some within your control and some not. If you would like to lose some weight (for whatever reason), you first have to identify if this is a medical issue or is simply a change in your diet/exercise (lack thereof) that can be fixed. Also being healthy and being skinny are very much not identical; plenty of skinny VERY unhealthy people and plenty of heavier folks who are healthy (although obesity is extremely unhealthy on avg)
Good luck
Ozempic time.
Random point here but everyone has it covered, I just want to ask – have you ever tried checking to see if you have a gluten sensitivity? I gained nearly 20 lbs in one year with no change to my lifestyle. The only thing that changed was for a full 6 months I had no alcohol and focused more on working out… so it made absolutely no sense I was gaining weight! Doctors assumed I was lying to them about my diet and lifestyle and kept saying “you just need to lose weight.” I’ve been gluten free for almost 2 weeks now and I already need to go down a pant size from 13 to 11’s that I haven’t worn in a year. Something to check out potentially.
Lmao stop eating and start running. Stop shoving shit down your mouth and get to instead of posting your problems on Reddit
I mean… it is good that he was honest and open about it, but the question stands what OP thinks and feels about it.
Do you want to lose weight for you and your health, or the issue about intimacy?
I am in the same position (the insecurities about weight gain), and it’s more about what I want and need to do for my own health and view of myself. OP should think about herself here. What she wants to do for herself here, to be comfortable and strong within herself.
It hurt hearing from a loved one, but be glad he was honest, and then it is up to you.
INFO: Are you overweight clinically? Do you have averse eating habits? (not sharing, bingeing, eating too fast, etc) Obesity is a symptom of something else and it may be that something else that is a turn off to him. It could be that you seem aloof and like you don’t care anymore. Also, is he supportive of your weight loss efforts? You have been trying to lose weight for a while, does he sabotage your diet?
How did he tell you this? Was it in a constructive conversation or did you want sex and he said no, I’m no longer attracted to you bc of weight gain?
I ask bc if the former, I think there is a bigger issue here.
OP when people mention weight issues it is not meant to be mean but to address some health concerns. My family has a history of diabetes and I do everything to prevent it. Besides good diet I also do active lifestyles like IDPA shooting, MMA training, dance activities, and most other outdoor recreational fun to keep moving and active. I also meet new people in the process. In case you are wondering half of the people I meet are ladies.
Hey OP – I’ve been in a similar boat for the last several years. I went through a lot of trauma on top of a method of birth control that really messed my body up and I packed on a ton of weight since I got married.
Honesty is good, but you cannot lose weight for him. You’ve gotta do it for you. It’s absolutely embarrassing, and it hurts. But you have to do what’s best for you, and you cannot get into a mode of working towards anything when there’s shame attached. It’ll ultimately fail.
Honest communication about how he hurt you, and things you can do together to be well TOGETHER would be my first step here. And also some counseling for yourself to help you work through the emotions and hurt from this. It can and will breed deep resentment if you don’t address it. Sending hugs. it’s tough stuff.
My friend’s father had a heart attack a few years ago. My friend told him, “please don’t do this to me, please don’t leave me alone”. He then decided to lose weight, because he loved his daughter and didn’t want her to worry about him. He lose 30kg in one year.
You can do the same, try using your love for your husband and your marriage as motivation to exercise and lose weight. Talk to him and ask him to exercise with you, start slow and this takes years, so patience is key.