tl;dr We are together for 9 yrs, live together for 1.5 yr. He’s a really great guy but I just don’t feel right about this relationship. Every option seems like mistake so I really need good advice.
So he is good looking, smart, supportive, great social skills.. etc, my family adores him and he accepts me for who I am and loves me.
But he shows emotions in a very different way than I do, so at the beggining I had problems with this issue, as well with lack of communication about our relationship.
As years go by I learned how to handle this but It seems like my feelings are washing down, like living together feels like being roommates and just doing house choirs. Next step that we planned should be kids and marriage and Im not sure if I just chicken out or I just don’t love him anymore but I dont feel right about it. It feels like some steps like living together should have happen much before and now Im feeling kind of stuck. Conversations dont seem to help anymore about this, he promises to change things and reassures me everything is fine.
Also I started noticing other guys and Im not sure if I am catching feelings for my work colleague.
Breaking up would make a great emotional damage for both of us, and also I would have to move back at my parents house and I have low social life so my life in general would be also very affected.
I should change something but im not sure in which direction, I feel like Im going to be miserable whatever I decide to do, so any help would be appreciated.
9 comments
Have you considered couples counseling? Seems like the type of issue that it’s meant to address.
You sound bored of your relationship. He wants to work on the relationship the question you need to ask yourself is do you want to work on it. Do you want happiness or commitment and loyalty. I know a lot of people leave relationships cause of being unhappy even when their partner is as you a Great person and it just becomes harder.
So are you unhappy, is happiness what you want? Can it never happen with this person again? Have you said exactly what you need or want?
Quite frankly this is something you need to determine yourself.
Happiness which may or may not come after you leave this man or Commitment and working to reignite the fire or happiness that you want.
No matter what you do you both lose something and gain something. Soooooo yeah…
Good luck.
Knowing that your partner is who he is, and will not change, can you see yourself continuing this relationship? 5 or 10 years from now, do you want to be feeling the same way? Or do you want to free to make other choices?
>he promises to change things and reassures me everything is fine.
What exactly do you want him to change?
Leave him. You sound exhausting.
I feel it has come to the point where 9 years is way too long for you and you feel as though you are missing out on other things plus other guys. He is more like a roommate and not a soulmate now. Talk to him and even if you do have to move into your folk’s house to get back on track, It is better than the situation you are living in. Unless she would go along with a more OPEN relationship of both of your freedoms.
Seems like you could possibly work this out if he has all the positive traits that you say he has. Sounds like you are spending entirely too much time together and the passion and mystery has faded out.
May as well give it a try because news flash, the same thing will happen after this amount of time in your next relationship. It does sound like you have all the great other stuff available in your relationship
Me and my new partner had this same thing happen in our past relationship and we are trying from the start to keep this from happening again. We are taking the following implementations:
* Have a no holds barred conversation about what you both like and dislike about the relationship
* break you time up in the week with each other, have 2 days together dates etc, 2 days on your own to work on hobbies and personal projects, 1 or 2 days with friends and 1 day trying to spend time with other couples together.
* Stop telling each other everything what is going on in your life everyday, save what’s happened in your personal life for date night and let it become actual news rather than a running commentary
* Don’t bog each other down with negative things going on in your personal/work life unless its super important and will effect the relationship.
* Try and keep mystery with date nights and trips: For example tell your wife to keep next Saturday clear and leave it at that. Then plan a romantic meal followed by a stay in a hotel room.
* Try to not have routine with sex, and have a deep communication about what turns you on, what doesn’t, what new things you would like to try. And if you wife says for example, I’d like you to tie me up – don’t say “ok we will do this next saturday” plan it for when she is least expecting it
* Also try and separate intimacy from sex. Have nights where you kiss/cuddle//message and it doesn’t lead to sex. Then follow this with two days after where you withhold physical touch from each other.
The alarm bells are definitely ringing… now is the time to start doing relationship work! Every relationship will need couples to consciously work on it at some point! If you don’t want to do counselling, I built a couples app that helps Couples communicate better through questions, quizzes and games. It could help you bf open up. It’s called Couply and I’m Happy to give you free premium to see if it’ll help you. 🙏🏻
This is a hard one. On one hand you definitely sound bored of the relationship at this point. On the other hand it sounds like a part of you still loves the dude. You definitely should NOT have children with someone you are no longer sure about. That will make the situation a 100 times worse. If you are feeling your co-worker, then it sounds like your mind is already moving on. However, if you truly want to work on it with your current long term boyfriend. Try having a civilized discussion with him about how you feel? If you have already tried that. You can try couples counseling as someone else here already suggested in the comments. However, if you are truly unhappy and bored in your long term relationship, maybe you should put some serious thought into moving on in life. Why stay with someone who you are bored and unhappy with in life. I would rather be happy in life. Just saying.