This has been my current focus on my journey to develop better social skills, and I’ve found this is the one I struggle the most.
One thing I’ve noticed from charismatic, well liked people is that they have this way of making everyone feel welcomed and heard. Smth about them just makes you want to keep talking to them, as you feel like they are not only listening, but engaged in whatever you’re saying, even when it’s clearly smth not that exciting. And it seems genuine too, like they just find the process of getting to know better through minute details fascinating.
I myself have a bad habit of zoning out when people are talking to me, specifically when it’s a subject I don’t really care about, which people clearly pick up on and that puts them off talking to me in the future. I’m not like this on purpose, but I just really struggle to get really engaged in what people are saying, to really listen.
So I guess my question is, how to get to that point where people genuinely interest you? How can we reframe our thinking to allow for that to evolve? Any tips that have worked for you? Appreciate any kind of help.
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Something i like to do is make a game of it.
I try to see each person a some sort of “walled up castle” that i want to understand, find all the things they like and dislike through constant poking/questioning.
I try to understand their psychology and see the world trough their eyes.
Ummmm. It takes practice, but if you care about the person then you want them to know you care. So if the topic isn’t interesting- it doesn’t really matter. Just the interaction is better than zoning out in my head. But it’s takes time to notice that you are zoning out and how to prevent that.
There’s 2 parts to it:
– Become aware of things in general that you genuinely care about. They can be small (e.g. find the best sauce for broccoli).
– When people talk about anything, ask questions that lead to topics you care about
For example imagine someone was talking about starting a massage company. You could ask so many things, like, how did you get the idea? How will you decide who to hire? Will you also other stuff there? How do you do a good massage?
There must be a thousand decisions they made, some of them would be interesting, you just need to ask
Another thing is just that people become more interesting if you feel like you might become friends with them. Because a ton of information they give about e.g. what food they like, what hobbies they have, who else they know etc. are things that are useful if you are going to hang out with them a lot. So that’s why a random stranger you will never see again is probably never going to be interesting.
Step 1: learn how to lie well
What helped me was, just giving the attention and chance that I would be like to be given myself.
Not everyone is into the things I’m into, I imagine me (or yourself) going into a passionate story of my interests and someone not giving me enough respect to actively listen to me or worse, look around for an out.
You give people the same attention and chance you’d like to be given to you.
I also like to think that everything has potential to be interesting, I just don’t know enough about it so I actively listen to people and try to figure out why THEY like it so much.
Wouldn’t hurt to work on your attention span either if you think that may be part of the issue.
Kinda sounds like you have trouble getting outside your head in general, not just with other people. Ever try mindfulness techniques? Or tasks that require you to pay close attention to detail for some length of time while doing something with all that detail, like drawing from life or translating a video you’re watching? I think things like that might help you learn to maintain your focus. If it’s a matter like ADHD, there are specific techniques for that you could learn, and meds could be worth a shot as well.
A specific exercise you could try is to watch a video on some subject you’re not terribly interested in (but also not bored stupid by). As you watch, notice whenever your mind wanders, and just bring it back to the video. Don’t ever beat yourself up over it; just get in the habit of noticing and bringing yourself back. When you are focused, also try to be formulating comments and questions about what you’re seeing, like the comments you would make and the questions you would ask if that was a real person talking with you. You will probably struggle to come up with any at first, because after all, you’re just not that interested. But if you keep working at it, eventually you will discover something you do want to say/ask, and that is your interest. When you practice like this, over time it should become easier and easier for your mind to find things of interest in any real conversation.
What does your spare time look like? Are you someone who constantly needs to distract themselves?
I’ve found that when my lifestyle consists of habits that are highly dopaminergic such as, video games, tv shows, scrolling, videos, drinking, smoking, etc. well then this lifestyle becomes your brains default mode. Hence the constant overthinking (because of overstimulation).
It’s what causes your brain to zone tf out when you’re not not being stimulated enough like say at work, or talking to someone.
You can’t fake genuine
Therapy helped