Basically, I (30F) went on a few dates with a man (35M). When I went back to his place, I asked him to put on a condom and he did but not before going on about how « bad » they feel.
We start having sex and, after he has been inside me, I notice that the condom is no longer on. I ask him about it and he says it must have slipped off. When I ask if he took it off, he emphatically says no. We looked for it in the bed but didn’t find it.
I am now left in a position where I have no way to know whether or not he lied. Prior to the complaint, he has done nothing disrespectful or suspicious so I wonder whether I am being unfair by assuming the worst.
So what should (besides getting tested, obviously) my next steps be?
Edit: It’s definitely not inside me. I assumed it slipped off somewhere in the bed at the time but it’s looking more and more suspicious.
Edit 2: We stopped as soon as I discovered it but it wouldn’t have happened had it not been for me — he acted all surprised and said he didn’t notice it slip off. He also acted disappointed and asked why it was “a big deal” now that he’s already “been inside.” I’m starting to realize that I blocked out a lot of these moments immediately after it happened. In terms of laws, I live in New York.
40 comments
Did you ever find it!?!?
It seems really suss to me, but it’s up to you how safe you feel with this guy.
If he says the feeling is so much better without, he 100% noticed it was gone and said nothing… so… if you hadnt have said anything, he probably would have finished in you. Would he ever have said anything at all if you didn’t notice? Who knows.
Up to you to decide…however intentionally removing one without consent is sexual assault.
The thing you need to work out is do you trust him/believe him or not, if you give him another chance I’d explicitly state no condom=no sex, if it happens again after that it’s not an accident
Condom will never just fall out and dissappear unless it’s inside you…he took it off
I’ve actually had it slip off, and I had to go into the bathroom (felt too awkward doing it infront of the guy) to try to fish it out of myself lol. That being said, it’s called stealthing if the partner takes the condom off during sex and is in some parts considered rape.
Uh what? It doesnt slip off during penetration & dissapear. Its gotten stuck inside me b4 but its not just gonna slip off while fucking & dissapear out of ur vagina. This is stealthing. Its a form of rape & in some states illegal. I dont think u should see him again.
I wouldn’t see him again. Sounds like he lied honestly.
A lot of guys will say whatever they can to not wear condoms. But if that’s what you ask for, they need to respect that.
>So what should (besides getting tested, obviously) my next steps be?
Make sure the condom isn’t still inside you. Lots of horror stories of women getting terrible infections from condoms that slipped off and weren’t retrieved.
I don’t know if it’s a guy you want to see again, period. It’s weird in the moment he didn’t just put it on and talk to you later about complaints with wearing them. Then maybe if you guys liked each other and wanting to continue seeing each other you could come to some sort of agreement where you both aren’t unhappy. But for the first time it’s extremely common to wear a condom and in my experience often guys initiate putting it on. Absolutely not an unreasonable request for you to make and it does seem suspicious to me. Did you even find a wrapper anywhere? I guess he could have put it in a pocket it’s weird you found no evidence at all. Did you hear him opening the condom? I feel like maybe he didn’t wear one at all and trust me, don’t go down a path with a guy who from the get go shows that he doesn’t respect your feelings.
Don’t do it with him again, he probably tried to stealth which is sexual assault
Not paranoia, he is lying. He is an asshole and you should leave.
Sounds very suspect. As he mentions himself, he doesn’t like wearing a condom because you are never in doubt if you are wearing one…
If it fell off he did notice and kept going.
Would not trust this guy.
He’s a liar
No condom “slips down” if you put it on properly. See if it’s inside you, because it can get really ugly when something rots inside you.
If he complains and then “accidentally” the condom is gone, but you can’t find it anywhere either, then that’s just rape. Your condition was sex with a condom and her didn’t stick to it. Nobody can tell me that a man cannot tell the difference between a condom and no condom on the penis. Especially not when he says yes, it doesn’t feel good.
When my bf and I were first dating we used a condom. Never ever had issues.
To me, unless he REALLY fucked up putting it on, then the only way it would “fall off” was if it’s inside you.
If it isn’t, my guess is he took it off.
If he’s just a rando don’t take the risk and continue seeing the guy. As a guy you definitely know the difference between sex with and without a condom. If he didn’t alert you to it he can’t be trusted.
Look if you didn’t even find it he’s lying. There’s NO WAY he didn’t feel the difference.
This asshole could’ve gave you an STD and this basically fall under rape. It’s called stealthing. Bring it up to him and tell him you’re taking action and see his response.
Condoms dont just slip off and disappear.
Its either inside you or he took it off.
Complaining about safe sex when casual hooking up would be a redflag for me.
Not feeling when a condom is gone, after telling you he hates using them is kinda weird aswell.
As a man I can tell you, that you instantly feel the difference.
He kept fucking you instead of pulling out and telling you asap.
So you can assume he stealthed you in some way.
Wouldnt date him any further. You could even press charges for that.
If you dont use other contraceptives make a pregnancy test and get checked for STDs
Unless he has a micro penis, then it didn’t slip off by itself.
Condoms do slip off sometimes but the guy *always* immediately notices when it happens, in my experience. I’d be suspicious
He would have noticed, get morning after pill, get tested in a few weeks and don’t see him again, thats assault
Ugh. Condom refusal has become one of the biggest red flags for me. Honest to god, just wrap it and be happy someone wants to have sex with you. Dude is 35 years old and has probably been pulling this shit his whole adult life.
99.999% chance he’s lying. I’ve broken condoms in my life, but I’ve never lost any and I’m certainly the first person to know.
.001% Disclaimer: if you truly believe him and you guys can’t find the condom… visit a doc. You don’t want to have one be missing up there.
So that’s a form of rape. You did not consent to sex without a condom.
He lief one way or another. Either it actually feels exactly the same with a condom and he didn’t notice when it came off, or condoms feel bad and he would have noticed the improvement immediately.
Either way he lied, but my money’s on the stealthing.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
To me it is telling that he goes on a rant of how bad it feels but then doesn’t say anything about when it slipped off. If is that mich of a different in feeling then he knew when it happened but said nothing until you noticed. At the very least it is disrespectful at the most it was sexual assault.
It’s kinda “strange” that condoms feel sO BaD, but then he “didn’t notice” he didn’t have one on anymore. I call bullshit personally, I would be extremely careful going forward ..no doggy until he’s proven to be completely trustworthy. On the off chance he was telling the truth, have you checked your vagey for the missing condom?
So he says they feel off, and then pretends when it’s off that he didn’t feel it’s amazing again? Riiiiight. And then when asked to search for the disappearing condom he asks what’s the problem? Girl. Run!
You were Stealthed for sure.
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Dump his ass, yesterday.
He talks about “how <<bad>> it feels” but doesn’t notice when there is no condom on?? That’s suspicious
If sex on condoms feels so bad, why didn’t did he notice when it came off and it started to feel good? He is a liar
I don’t believe for one second that it slipped off.
If they feel bad to him, he would have recognized it immediately if it had slipped off. If he cared about the stipulations surrounding your consent, he would have stopped immediately and told you what had happened.
It can definitely slip out and no, it’s not true that men can immediately feel it. I have condoms break up multiple times during my life and I never realized it until the end. Now…the red flag is the condom disappearing in thin air. If you don’t find it anywhere, then it’s likely that he pulled it off and put it somewhere (maybe he kept it in his hand and then put it in his pockets). If you are in a serious relationship, go on but keep your eyes open. If this was a quick makeup session, stop seeing this guy. Maybe he is innocent, but why risking.
if it feels so bad to wear one he definitely would notice that it suddenly feels good once it slipped off. definitely make sure it not in you. i’ve heard of condoms falling off inside and not being found for days.
>going on about how « bad » they feel.
>
>said he didn’t notice it slip off.
He can’t have it both ways. It either feels bad, or you can’t tell whether it’s on or not.
Ok, time for real talk. If you are not 100% sure you can trust this guy didn’t sexually assault you (removing a condom secretly is called “stealthing” and it’s assault) then you really shouldn’t be having sex with him. Like, seriously. If you are even 1% convinced he might have assaulted you then that’s a no-go for sexytime.
It’s up to you if you want to keep seeing him and let him try to regain your confidence. You would be totally within your rights either way.
“But it feels sooo much better without a condom.”
“The condom must have fallen off and I didn’t even notice. ”
This guy is a douchebag. Huge douchebag. I’m sorry that this happened to you.
So he went on about how bad condoms feel, but then he didn’t notice when it wasn’t on? Calling bullshit.
_”I hate condoms because they feel bad”_
and
_”Oh, I didn’t notice it had slipped off”_
Pick one, you can’t have both.
Well the odds seem a lot better he stealthed you than he is honest. Better point is do you trust him? If not, cut your losses. Move on and get STD tested. Trust your gut.
Tell him he’s wearing to big of a condom and to find appropriate sized ones for his ween. There are so many sizes, he needs to buy the appropriate size. No excuse.
Personally I’d never sleep with him again, but that’s just me