Hi all. I’m new here. Next Wednesday I will have been married for 15 years. Around 2020 my wife’s drinking got out of control (thanks pandemic) and around 8 months ago it all came to a head. I explained how sick of it I was. That I was tired of her being absent mentally. She quit, or so she told me. She started up again in my presence but seemed to have it under control at 1st. Just a glass here or there. Then business picked up again. I told her she had to stop. She has been telling me that she has, but I have found evidence hidden around the house to the contrary. She’s ultra defensive. And I have lost all trust. Do I continue to try to help her stop? Or do i just give up? We have 2 kids and the youngest is 12. I’m not leaving my kids, especially with a drunk. Is it possible to survive this? I haven’t even confronted her. I’m just so messed up in the head I’m just kind of walking around numb.
6 comments
I’m so sorry to hear this. It must be very tough on you.
As someone who was raised in a house with an alcoholic father, I can say that for the sake of your kids (not to mention you and your wife), you need to find a way to get your wife help right now. For most addicts, they need to hit complete bottom — that is, losing everything — before they will admit they have a problem and turn themselves around. My advice is not to let it get to that stage.
One thing that works for many people is a group intervention. That is, you and whomever else is close and trusted by your wife need to come together to help her. I bet there are good resources online for spouses of alcoholics (maybe from AA or others). For the sake of all of you, do that research now and take immediate action. It’s going to be very hard, but it is worth it; the alternative is worse.
I wish you strength and luck.
Im sorry that you are experiencing this and I am sorry for your wife as well. Most people with substance use disorders feel immense shame and guilt as a result of their use but who wants to feel that? So they use more. As you are seeing your wife is using in isolation and hiding it. She needs help and the idea of hitting of someone having ti hit “rock bottom” is not helpful or healthy. With fentanyl, heroin, and the like…today rock bottom can mean death. In addition, you have your kids to worry about so I would not wait to watch my wife spiral out of control so she could hit rock bottom when my kids are involved.
She needs help. She needs either an intensive outpatient program or inpatient treatment. And 28 days is a joke unless you have a good recovery plan afterwards. Most patients don’t even get out of the fog till they have been there two weeks. You can’t control her…only yourself. But I would tell her that unless she seeks help and treatment, you will leave and take the kids with you. If she creates a scene and is drink…cal the cops and use the criminal Justice system to force her to treatment.
You are in for a battle. I would find a recovery community organization near your and get a family recovery coach. Look at the Faces and Voices of Recovery web site and find what is near you. Blessings!
Al-Anon helped me immensely when I was in this situation in a previous long-term relationship.
I would go to an Al Anon meeting and talk to the people there. They know what they are talking about and can give you guidance.
Unless she’s being abusive or a danger to herself or your children, or can’t function… no you don’t leave a marriage because she has a substances use disorder or alcoholism. It’s a disease, not a moral failing. Has she even given treatment a try? Have compassion for her. You made vows. Do what you can to support her without taking on her problem
This is such a tough situation. As the wife of an alcoholic (my husband is 9 years sober) I can relate you not knowing how to help your wife. Al-anon is a great place to start. And one of the first thing you’ll learn is that alcoholics just cannot be social drinkers, or occasional drinkers. A single glass of wine will lead to abusing alcohol again, whether it takes a year to get back to that state or only a day.
In my experience, if your wife is at the point where she is hiding her drinking from you and lying to you when you call her out for it, she knows she has a serious problem, and maybe even knows that her marriage is in jeopardy because of it. And as the spouse it is hard to comprehend why she would risk your life together in this way. But the simple fact is that if her drinking has gotten to this stage, she likely cannot stop drinking on her own, even with you there to support her. She needs professional help, probably at an in-patient rehab facility.
Which she may or may not agree to, probably not the first time it is brought up to her at any rate. I would suggest you do the research, find a facility, figure out the insurance side of things, if that is available for her, and if not get financing in order. In other words gets your ducks in a row because if/when she does agree, you cannot afford to hesitate and give her time to back track.
That’s what worked for us, anyway. So that’s my advice to you. Oh and I know it’s hard, but try not to take the lying to heart. It’s a symptom of the disease. I wish you the best.