I get panic attacks. What calms me down the most is sucking something. I usually suck on a popsicle but we didn’t have any. So I asked my boyfriend, if I could suck his penis. We both like that during sex. It’s my kink. But it felt like I was just using him to calm down. For me it wasn’t sexual. He seemed to like it. I just don’t know if this is wrong or not. Because it felt somehow wrong.

Edit: I have medicine for my anxiety and I go to therapy two times a week.

46 comments

  1. Seems troll-y but if serious, I cannot imagine *anyone* with a penis minding it getting sucked.

  2. It’s an unusual grounding method, but a grounding method nonetheless. Focussing on a task will help clear you mind.

    Nothing to feel upset about, he enjoys it, and it calms you

  4. One time my GF and I went at it pretty hard. Afterward we went for a walk, and she told me that she was feeling anxious before we had sex and afterward, she was feeling much better. It was intimately connective to me that giving my GF a good fuck could be cathartic for her. As long as it’s mutually wanted and enjoyed, I don’t see a problem with it.

    That type of dynamic can be healthy or unhealthy depending on the circumstances. I don’t see a problem with it, if your BF enjoys or is at least willing to let you have some selfcare with his dick. I would feel a wonderful loving sense of connection if a mutually enjoyed intimate activity enabled my GF to calm down.

  5. You have a long talk about when it’s okay and when it’s not. Give him the option to say no. Get out that popsicle instead

  6. The reality is its putting him in a really questionable position because you aren’t really present and consenting to a sexual act. It might be fine for you but that doesn’t make it fine in general.

  7. I’m sure he liked it, but I agree that something feels wrong about it. I don’t want a man using my boobs for comfort or self soothing….I want him to use them for pleasure and enjoyment. Maybe suck your thumb or something next time?

  8. Normally you would ask yourself, would you be okay to let him do the same to you?

    It’s also a bit unbalanced since women usually have a history of being used for sex. While men have a history of being denied sex.

  11. maybe have a talk about it during a more relaxed situation. but not only would i not mind but would rather enjoy knowing i can calm my gf just by having her take me in her mouth.

  12. Not necessarily bad there are worse coping mechanisms. But you should try and find something else that works for you that you can do if you’re in public as well.

  13. Lots of people use kink to ground. As long as you’re having a discussion and laying boundaries while you’re in a clear mindspace, there’s nothing wrong with it, assuming you’re both comfortable.

    My partner gives me spankings when I’ve had a hard or stressful day. It helps me ground when I go non-verbal as well.

  14. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, if the emotional connection is there

  15. Um okay, well I mean I don’t advise using anyone’s body as a dildo when distraught. I get having panic attacks but I wouldn’t want my partner to not be present while having sexual contact. I get having sex and just getting rough with it, but sucking a dick is different than sucking on a popsicle. No offense, but it does feel like a coping mechanism and kinda regressive at that for an adult. I’m no therapist and I’m not judging but that’s my take. I suggest counseling if you can or keep lollipops in the house. But I wouldn’t jump to sucking your partner off while in that state of mind. Good luck.

    When I’m stressed or anxious I’ll admit I wanna have sex to relieve energy, but I’m definitely present and fully aware of what I’m doing. I do it to wear myself out and get out of my head. It helps regulate my energy and it’s like a workout, but like I said I’m fully there during the act and not distant whatsoever. I may be less verbal than normal but I’m going at it while riding or so be it, not in a trance if that makes sense.

    Once again not judging you and wish you the best of luck, but if your boyfriend doesn’t like that then don’t do it. Maybe talk to him openly. Reddit isn’t in your relationship and doesn’t know how he feels. He may be totally unaware you’re having a panic attack during and doing that to calm down. That may change his view. It’s important to talk to the people we have sex with.

  17. I could imagine feeling used if I were your BF in this situation. Personally I like sex acts to be for connection, intimacy… this purpose feels one-sided, at least emotionally. So its really up to your BF whether this is something he’s cool with

  18. not wrong, as long as he’s into it. and honestly, what man wouldn’t be? if u really want to do it to calm u down tell him this and that it would mean allot to you. if he doesn’t accept he’s throwing a lottery ticket out the window lol

  19. Not to be rude, but how is sucking a dick a kink? That’s a pretty white bread sexual act isn’t it? I thought kinks were things that deviated from the ‘norm’ but it seems like people are using this word for anything that turns them on now?

  20. If sucking his penis makes you feel better, then go for it – it always makes me feel better no matter what!

  21. It 100% comes down to what your boyfriend is okay with or not. While I’m not saying it’s necessarily bad, it’s pretty obvious here that your intent is to use his body for something that is focused on yourself. He might be perfectly fine with it—I’d argue a lot of men would be perfectly fine with it—but he might also not be, and that’s his right either way. The only way it would be wrong is if he wasn’t comfortable being used in this way and you forced him into the arrangement anyway.

    I would say to just ask directly if he’s okay with you, on occasion, non-sexually sucking his dick. If his brain doesn’t implode and he agrees to it, then you should set up some expectations on whether this act is, is not, or could be an invitation for further sex.

  24. Why not get a adult pacifier?

    Or one of those mouth sensory toys from Esty?

    Or just a really small dildo?

    Ball gag for sex?

    Or have a pack of sucker at all times.

    Or use ice?

    Or suck a clean washcloth?

    Make Popsicles with juice like back I the 90s?

    Stock pile hard candy!

    Use a toothbrush?

    Chew a clean soft sponge?

    It’s late but these are thing things that came to mind right away.

    There are other ways to self sooth and not add another person – watching someone panic is so hard and you would do anything to help, but giving you my body is not one of them.

    Be well OP I hope you can try counseling soon!

  26. This is probably a fake post but still. If you asked your boyfriend and he told you it was ok, why would you feel the need to ask a bunch of random strangers about it? he consented and that’s it. You could have a more detailed conversation about it with him if you want to know how he feels about this.

  28. It’s called cock-warming, it’s a pretty common kink and a lot of men and women are into this. It’s relaxing for both parties

  30. If it’s something both agree with then it sounds fine. This is a pretty good rule for most things, if everyone is cool with it then let it ride.

  34. If you ever find out your condition is caused by a virus or something then I’d like you to shake hands with my wife.

  35. You know, I relate to this a lot. I worship my partners cock. I have my own relationship to it and just like any relationship, it can be utilized (not used) for so many things. Most of the time; I’m intimate with my partner for closeness and expansion. However, at times – my intentions are more instrumental and practical. Example, I just really want to have an orgasm to relax me. Or I need a distraction. Or I need my anxiety reduced. He benefits from this. How incredible is it that we can utilize sex for MANY different reasons? One thing I do to clear my conscious is communicate openly to him afterward. “hey, I noticed I really just needed to come”. Im sharing my intent with him. And he feels amazing know that he just enjoyed some great sex and ALSO helped me achieve what I desired. Sex doesn’t always have to be to reproduce, right? So would sex have to be ONLY for intimacy?

    If he’s uncomfortable with this, voice yourself when you’re both having a connective moment together. Stating what you desire and how much pleasuring his cock brings you back to your center, balanced, and grounded self might invite him to open his perspective a little.

    I’m thinking he feels he’d be taking advantage of you when you’re vulnerable. Panic attacks are very vulnerable. If you communicate when both of you are grounded, it’s like you’re consenting to this when you’re in a panicked state. I’d really emphasize how when you’re in a vulnerable state of panic, worshipping and loving on his cock brings you back to oneness with him and yourself. It’s emphasizing how much loving POWER and IMPACT he has on helping you regulate yourself. That he can help you settle after/during a panic attack and not feel so helpless as he witnesses your distress.

    Check in with yourself though. Sex can easily become a coping mechanism that is relied on too heavily, and that can lead to negative outcomes for you, him, and the relationship.

    I find that nature and being held help as well with panic attacks. Also meditation long term helps to reduce panic attacks long term.

    Panic attacks are how our bodies communicate to us that something isn’t right. Writing and talking about what came up during the panic attack or what was happening in your life before the panic attack (from hours to weeks) could communicate amazing and insightful things to you.

    Sometimes it’s simple. Sometimes it’s related to a MUCH larger childhood wound (in which you have the power to heal from).

    Have I eaten? Did I drink enough water? Have I slept enough? Am I dishonoring my boundaries? Am I supported in my life? Do I need rest? Do I need to get into my body and out of my thinking mind?

    Take care of yourself as if you’re a plant. Asking yourself check in questions can bring so much awareness surrounding the reasons for panic attacks. ❤️ All the love to you. You’re navigating this all amazingly. Just the fact that you’re questioning if your intent is aligned with what’s ‘right’ is fucking amazing. You know what’s right for you.

  38. To answer your immediate question, no. It is not wrong. Provided you are both consenting, then there’s nothing wrong with it. You get to feel calm, he seems like he’s happy to be able to help you feel calm. There is nothing wrong with that. In a way it sounds very intimate, which is certainly not a bad thing.

    That having been said, there is a very high probability that, if you are prone to panic attacks, you will get one in a situation where this is obviously not an option. In that case, having a dependency on this could potentially be detrimental to your wellbeing. In this case I highly recommend having alternative methods at the ready.

    Also, you should definitely have an open talk with your partner about it. With something like this communication is always key, so just make sure you guys are on the same page. Since you’re involving him, you need to prioritize his wellbeing as well as your own. As long as you’re aware of that it should be fine.

  39. i’ll be honest this is really, really relatable, it can do the same thing for me. it may be something a bit unusual but it’s completely understandable. it could be a comforting thing for both of you, but it’s worth taking this seriously; you both need to be comfortable and safe here, make sure to talk about it with him when you’re in a calm and okay state. make clear that it’s helpful and meaningful to you, but he’s not obligated and shouldn’t feel pressured. give him space to say no if it’s not something he wants to consent to.

    partners do soothing things for each other all the time, but it’s got to be something you’re both fully down for and understand. partners don’t owe each other certain comforts, and it’s even more worth it to be cautious with things that have sexual aspects, even if it’s not how it feels to one of or both of you. i hope he’s happy to keep doing it, i know how comforting something like that can be and how wrong it feels instinctively, even though it makes you feel happy and safe. there’s nothing wrong with it, just play it safe between you two <3 i have a feeling he’ll continue being a-ok with it, he just should want to know that it’s not hurting you.

  40. My girlfriend and I do this all of the time. It’s called cockwarming. It feels good and it’s relaxing for both of us.

  42. **Having had many panic attacks in the past, I have an idea about the scientific/natural principles why this might actually work**

    Very often, panic attacks are caused by (chronic) hyperventilation/overbreathing.

    Shortly put: this causes CO2 levels in your body to drop, which causes all kinds of symptoms. These cause anxiety and stress which likely makes your breathing even deeper, which drops your CO2 levels even further, making the symptoms and stress more intense.
    This is the vicious downward circle to absolutely horrible panic attacks.

    **CO2 is a powerful relaxant or stabilizer of the nerve cells**

    I wasn’t able to escape from this cycle until I stumbled upon the Buteyko breathing method and retrained my breathing patterns.

    What is very shortly summarized one of the basic principles of this method?

    “Your nose is for breathing, your mouth is for talking and eating”.

    Sounds simple right? Yes, but still many people aren’t breathing in a way that makes them flourish!

    I have learned that -as long as I keep breathing through my nose- I always have my personal safety net. You can get very stressed, but it’s virtually impossible to get full blown panic attacks as long as you keep your mouth closed.

    Your body will always do its best to prevent CO2 from dropping too far.
    Some people will experience asthmatic/bronchitis like symptoms*, others will get a stuffed/blocked nose.
    (* CO2 helps to keep all “hollow tubes” in the body open), to try and reduce the overbreathing.

    Now while I was initially chewing on some gum while I felt anxious/was training this method, you have found… a different way to (mostly) breathing through your nose! 😁

    ( When showering, you can also keep a small amount of water in your mouth… No way that you’ll start mouth breathing! If it becomes to difficult, simply spit it out)

    **Nose breathing calms you down/keeps you calm**

    This hasn’t failed me in over a decade. The decade before the last one I’ve had hundreds if not thousands of panic attacks..

    You want references on the details why this works? I’ll give some links below.

    I bet there’s a good chance btw that next to anxiety and panic you’ll have different symptoms as well. A higher risk of experiencing:

    – feeling tired
    – headaches/migraine attacks
    – asthma/bronchitis
    – easily getting out of breath
    – cold hands and/or feet
    – higher blood pressure
    – feeling foggy/concentration-memory problems
    – feeling dizzy
    – vision: trouble with focusing/seeing blurry
    – pounding heartbeat
    – heart palpitations
    – allergies like hay fever
    – blocked/stuffed nose/sinusitis
    – dry mouth

    .. just to mention a few. This isn’t simply mentioning things to increase my chances of being right. There’s a reason behind every single one of them that is connected to (over)breathing (patterns/habits)!

    Reading material: basically the entire website (no affiliations), but in particular:

    https://www.normalbreathing.com/diseases-anxiety-disorders/

    https://www.normalbreathing.com/diseases-brain/

    https://www.normalbreathing.com/diet-panic-disorder-buteyko-treat/

    https://www.normalbreathing.com/diseases-anxiety-disorders/

    https://www.normalbreathing.com/co2-stabilizer/

    You can also test yourself very simply:

    https://www.normalbreathing.com/measure-cp/

    **Train yourself to check and be aware if you’re breathing through your nose or mouth**

    Next to the ways you’ve already discovered, you can also put your tongue against the roof of your mouth. It’ll slightly stick without effort.

    Talking a bit well generally also help. It will distract you and restore help breathing patterns because of the natural cadence of speech.

    Nowadays I’m nose breathing 24/7 and it has made a huge huge difference in my health.

    **Your boyfriend might very well like this, but you’re not dependant on it! You can stay calm/calm down perfectly on your own even if he’s not near**

    PS. While the principles behind the Buteyko method are easily learned. I always recommend finding an Buteyko expert to work with. They can be found all over the world and many also work remote. I’m just someone with a lot of practical experience and theoretical knowledge, but not a Buteyko trainer and/or medical specialist. I have seen many people significantly improve after taking part in a Buteyko course.

    If you’ve got any serious medical conditions, particularly in the areas of heart/circulation/lungs (eg hypertension), always talk with a medical specialist for advice and guidance.

  45. I use my bfs penis as a stress ball just because 💀 it’s kind of like an insider, he thinks it’s hilarious, especially when I flap it around while it’s flaccid and make walrus noises. You and your bf have a win-win situation lol

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