This has been going on for a while. So for context, we don’t live together. Both of our extended families live 2 hours away.
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Over the past 4 years, both of our families have gone through a lot. First his family (his uncle died, then his aunt died, then his sister was in a car accident, etc). For every single crisis, I was always with him. I even helped him set up his uncle’s funeral (they were pretty close).
Then my family had lots of issues in a row. My dad was diagnosed with a serious illness, and I often went out to help my mom. And there were numerous other issues (and even just celebrations) in my family etc. He never comes with me.
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I’ve brought this up many times. My bf suffers from some chronic health issues (including depression). Due to work schedules, we sometimes have limited time to spend together. We try to spend every weekend together, but sometimes if I have a family obligation on a Sunday, I only get to see him on the Saturday. I’ve mentioned several times that if he simply accompanied me as my partner, we could also spend Sunday together (plus it would be nice that he was supporting me…like I always do with him).
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This has blown up lately because it’s still not happening. As an example, last month it was my birthday and that week I had to stay with my dad because my mom had a positive Covid test and needed to self-isolate. Since I had to spend my birthday out there, I told him he could come out for a few hours (it’s just under 2 hours away) and have dinner with me (keep in mind he makes a MUCH bigger deal out of birthdays than I do). He “couldn’t” (he actually could if he wanted but he chose not to).
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Today I had to go to a funeral. Not a fun occasion, but it’s my family and of course I had to go. I asked him 3 separate times if he’d come. He kept telling me he just can’t. He’s exhausted from dealing with depression and just can’t go out there. I understood, but it felt a bit hurtful. I went alone. After it was over I texted him and he was taking a long time to answer and it was just one word answers. So I finally asked him where he was (I thought he was in bed), and he told me he had decided to go out for dinner with a male friend from work.
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Normally that’s totally fine, but this time it just bothered me. For one thing, yesterday he told me he ended up totally broke until he’s paid next week and needed to get something and asked if I could loan him money for a few days. So I went with him and bought what he needed. Now suddenly he somehow has money available to go for dinner. Secondly, he was just too exhausted to come with me but he managed to pull it together to go hang out (for many hours) with his friend.
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If this was a one-off….ok. But it’s not. It’s happened on several occasions and I’m starting to feel very hurt by it all. I know if I try to talk to him he’ll get defensive or make more excuses which will piss me off and it will become a fight. How can I best frame this so it’s a productive conversation instead of a “fight”?
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tldr: bf always has excuses about why he can’t come with me to (my) family obligations but then these excuses seem to disappear when he wants to go out with his friends.
3 comments
Have you flat out told him that you dont feel like he is supporting your emotional needs?
He has shown you that you are not a priority. It isn’t always “fun” to go hang out with your partners family or support them during difficult times but it’s important and honestly natural when you care about someone. This is not a caring relationship on his part and he is saying he can’t go because he just does not want to go. He doesn’t seem ready to be in a mature relationship
If you’ve brought this up many times, it doesn’t sound like a lack of communication is the issue.