Almost one year ago in our two year relationship, I (30F) caught my boyfriend (33M) saving raunchy and nude photos of his ex-coworkers, I’ll add that these photos were posted in a way that made them accessible to anyone on the site they were posted on and not directly sent to him from them.
At first I thought nothing of it, but I began to feel as though I may be lacking compared to one of them in particular when I learned that he was also following her regular socials, giving her cash birthday gifts, and commenting on her SFW photos as well.
I asked him straight out if he had feelings for her, his answer was no. I asked if he would feel wronged if he were in my shoes, he said yes and that he vowed to stop.
We didn’t argue, we were just talking, but in a moment of weakness and poor impulse control I couldn’t stop myself from asking what she had that made him want her. I’m sure he felt pressured to answer me and he did by telling me the he was ‘shallow’ with no further elaboration.
I should have kept my thoughts to myself but I foolishly pursued and asked what he meant by that.
His response was that he found me only ‘moderately’ attractive compared to her, but that he valued our relationship more because he knew I was a better match for him.
I understand this may be common, possibly even normal, and since then he has made what I feel is every effort to make it right such as spending more time with me or elsewhere than on social media, telling me that I’m beautiful, and skipping the birthday gift as far as I know. I feel that he does value me and our relationship, he shows it as much as he says it, and I also feel that I have forgiven him for it, but what he said shattered my confidence and I can’t bring myself to make love to him anymore.
This ridiculous feeling of being unwanted haunts me whenever we start getting intimate, even if I felt aroused beforehand, it all drains away from me when it starts to be more than kissing and touching. The worst part is that I haven’t told him why I have developed this aversion to sex as I don’t want him to feel responsible for it, instead I tend to make excuses to get up and put physical distance between us for a period of time which I know can’t be very much better than dumping the truth on him. I have been trying to reassure myself, meditate, focus on building my self esteem back up, but it’s been several months and none of the ways I’m using seem to be working.
TLDR; 33M dedicated boyfriend told me 30F I was just ‘so-so’ looking several months ago and I have been unable to fix the damage it did to my confidence since then, leading to trouble in our intimate lives.
How can I break my fixation on his past comments and resume our normal intimate life?
32 comments
>His response was that he found me only ‘moderately’ attractive compared to her, but that he valued our relationship more because he knew I was a better match for him.
Yeahhhh, he should have never, ever said that. This isnt a matter of your confidence. He literally told you that he doesnt find you that attractive. I dont think there’s any coming back from that. You’re not the problem here and i doubt there’s any fixing it.
You break up with him lol. He basically said you’re just fuckable enough to be in a relationship with.
What happens if someone he deems more attractive than you shows interest in him and he just dumps you?
>Almost one year ago in our two year relationship, I (30F) caught my boyfriend (33M) saving raunchy and nude photos of his ex-coworkers, I’ll add that these photos were posted in a way that made them accessible to anyone on the site they were posted on and not directly sent to him from them.
The part where he wasn’t actually having a conversation where they were trading nudes makes this a bit better, but honestly not a ton.
>At first I thought nothing of it, but I began to feel as though I may be lacking compared to one of them in particular when I learned that he was also following her regular socials, giving her cash birthday gifts, and commenting on her SFW photos as well.
The problem is not that you are “unable to forget” or “move on” from his behavior. The problem is that the behavior itself was rancid, and you are *quite reasonably* unable to put it behind you that this man, who supposedly loves you, was actively pining for another IRL woman.
>How can I break my fixation on his past comments and resume our normal intimate life?
If I crumple up a piece of paper, then uncrumple it and smooth it back out as best as I can, the evidence that it was crumpled will still be there.
You’re asking how to stop seeing the crumples – you can’t. It’s done; paper’s crumpled.
If you want to move forward as a couple, it will be about *both* of you acknowledging that this behavior is a problem, and actively working on it as a unit – though, honestly, most of it has to come from him actually wanting to be better.
You need to tell him exactly what you’re feeling, what you have said here. If he’s willing to put in the effort to fix it, that’s great and bodes well. If he reacts badly, well…what’s a few more crumples, right?
>The worst part is that I haven’t told him why I have developed this aversion to sex as I don’t want him to feel responsible for it
He ***is*** responsible for it.
How do you expect your relationship to work long term if you can’t be honest with him?
>His response was that he found me only ‘moderately’ attractive compared
to her, but that he valued our relationship more because he knew I was a
better match for him.
It’s not common or normal. It’s a deep cut and a heavy cuss. From the rest of your post, it shows how deep it is, this kind of comment does not go away easily.
Hopefully he no longer holds that view, hopefully he never held it and somehow said some really bad shit without thinking. However that may have been the death knell for the relationship, the one sentence that can’t be recovered from.
On top of that, it’s not just the sentence. If he was giving his “chap” a handshake to porn or celebrities etc… it’s not such an issue. THAT is common and generally not an issue. But downloading photos of your co-workers for a wank… that’s a whole other level and a whole different mindset.
If you can’t get past it, maybe it’s story done. For what it’s worth, I probably couldn’t get past that. If my GF wants to give herself a treat thinking about Jason Statham’s washboard stomach, so be it, but Dave from work? Nah, we’re done.
You need to tell him.
And then go find someone who treats you like the goddess you are.
Sorry this happened to you but please don’t let him ruin your whole life.
*Almost one year ago in our two year relationship, I (30F) caught my boyfriend (33M) saving raunchy and nude photos of his ex-coworkers, I’ll add that these photos were posted in a way that made them accessible to anyone on the site they were posted on and not directly sent to him from them.*
*At first I thought nothing of it,*
Wait. WHAT.
Are his ex-coworkers aware these photos exist, and they are on the internet ‘in a way that made them accessible to anyone’?
And your concern – your overarching concern – is you ‘may be lacking’ after he dissed you?
Posts like this make me weep for humanity.
Not relevant to your story, probably, but where does he work that these photos are available and common knowledge that Amanda from accounts has her kit off in this months edition of the company newsletter?
Edited-spelling
don’t break your fixation and try to resume intimate life???break up with him already he does not respect you girl
Uh, no, you haven’t forgiven him and you shouldn’t. What he did and said was awful on its own, but putting them together is double the insult.
Stay if you want to feel like Number 2 for the rest of your life.
THE AUDACITY
I mean this in the nicest way possible – have some self respect and want better for yourself. He was creeping on another woman, and then basically said he’s happy settling for you because your personality is great but you’re only kind of attractive compared to his COWORKER. Beyond the fact that he’s a creep (who saves someone’s photos?!), you’re the only one trying to “fix the damage”. Respectfully, you will not get back the intimacy you crave.
> His response was that he found me only ‘moderately’ attractive compared to her
Your boyfriend is an idiot. This is the kind of thing that you keep in your head and never, never, ever say out loud to your partner. Statements like this cause permanent damage to the relationship that can never be undone, and only possibly moved past. The only thing he should be saying out loud as far as comparing you to other women is “you are and always will be the most attractive woman on the planet to me”.
> I understand this may be common, possibly even normal
It’s not, whatsoever. Most men have enough decency and common sense to never say something like this.
> I don’t want him to feel responsible for it
Why? He IS responsible for it. You’re not responsible for it. You’re having a normal emotional reaction to your partner saying something incredibly dumb and hurtful.
Frankly, I think he was letting himself go mentally very far down the road of potentially cheating on you with her. I’m not saying he did cheat, but obviously something was going on that emboldened him to be incredibly open about acting inappropriately with this woman, as well as being incredibly rude to you. The fact he was giving her cash is VERY telling.
Sometimes when people become very attracted to someone outside their relationship, it makes them think less of their current partner as some sort of weird mental justification.
I think you can do better than this, OP. I think you deserve a partner who will always treat you like gold. Good luck.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. It’s a horrible thing to say to the person you love. And please don’t thing you’re “so so” because you’re a real life person and not a heavily filtered/staged/edited picture/video. With his previous behavior and that conversation, I personally wouldn’t be able to move forward with the relationship. I wish the best for you, including a partner that makes you feel like a million bucks.
I always get relationship PTSD reading these because I was in so many of these relationships throughout my life, struggling to save them and in hindsight I wonder why I was so desperate to make some jerk love me when he clearly didn’t care.
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I am sorry you’re going through this OP, I really am. I have been there. This person does not love or treasure you the way every good person deserves to be loved and treasured.
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If the person you are with is telling you they are settling for you, find someone who will make you his first and only choice. Listen to your body, it knows.
It’s one thing to Pine over someone famous, but to sit there and show favor to a hot coworker (gifts and shit) and then tell your gf that they’re just not as hot as the coworker.. god I couldn’t. I’d be like ok bye good luck fucking the coworker.
This doesn’t seem redeemable no matter what.
I don’t think you need to resume your normal intimate life. I would move on. You deserve better. You’ve made him your priority and he hasn’t reciprocated. This type of behavior on his part will only get worse.
Telling your partner you only find them “moderately” attractive is NOT NORMAL. Even if you feel that way, it’s a terribly hurtful thing to say to someone you supposedly love and care for. Dump this chump and find you someone in whose eyes you are beautiful and perfect. It’s what you deserve.
“dedicated boyfriend” yeah dedicated to being awful.
It’s much more fulfilling to be wanted. It’s also much more fulfilling to cut off dead weight than be stuck with it.
It’s not ridiculous feelings at all. He told you he was shallow and that he found her more attractive. He wasn’t lying. Not only should you not have sex with him you should dump him and find a bf who doesn’t gaslight you.
Imagine you had a favourite cup. You used that cup all the time, but one day, you dropped it. Your cup smashes into pieces, but you carefully gather the pieces together, and you stick it back together. That cup is almost fixed, but throughout it, there are hairline cracks, and any liquid in the cup slowly leaks out.
Your cup isn’t the same any more, is it? Wouldn’t you be better dumping the cup and getting one that doesn’t leak?
Your boyfriend has broken your trust. He is responsible for the breakdown of your relationship. Do you imagine if the roles were reversed, he would take the blame because you had done something similar? Of course he wouldn’t, tell him that he has damaged your relationship and get yourself away from that scuz
He is gross. Get rid of him. Find someone who thinks you are the most beautiful and wouldn’t be interested in other woman’s NUDES!!? But seriously he’s shown you who he is please listen to him and tell him to fuck allllll the way off.
You know, I’d never have let this eat at me for more than a day never mind a year of my life – for that, being petty- I’d defo break up with him in the most brutal fashion with little explanation and let him carry that one around for a good while.
Leave him to wank himself into a coma every night over ex colleagues like what the fuck lol
I was married for nearly 2 decades. My ex husband told me once when we were first dating that he had to think about his ex when we were intimate so that he could get off. He was intoxicated when he told me, and he immediately forgot about it. Now, literally almost 20 years later, I have never forgotten it. It affected our sex life and our entire relationship, and he didn’t even know until we were headed downhill. I realize now that the breakup should have happened very soon after he told me that. I was beautiful way back when, and I deserved someone who saw me as such.
Honestly, you need to either break up with him or seek some major counseling and confront him. This will not get better and go away on its own. I am living proof of that. I deserved better then, and you deserve better now.
Stop dating this sack of shit
I’m sorry but I would have left after that statement.
Sweetie, there’s someone out there that will think you are an absolute stunna. Someone that will be obsessed with you and think the world of you. Don’t settle for someone who told you they are settling for you.
Ghost this cretin. You deserve better. He’s repulsive.
I simply would not stay in a relationship w somebody who told me I was ‘okay looking but a better match for them’.
Also: what efforts has he done exactly to write his wrongs? He was truthful when you found out he was essentially having some weird emotional affair w another woman but it doesn’t sound like he’d actually done….anything
You’re so worried about his feelings you’re tearing yourself apart. He IS responsible for your aversion to sex. It is absolutely his fault you feel this way. He was giving another woman cash because he liked her photos. Then he told you he only found you moderately attractive but hey, no biggie because you’re the better match for him. What an asshole.
Of course you feel insecure and pull away from intimacy. What he said is heartbreaking and soul crushing. It would shatter anyone’s confidence. I don’t know if there is a way back from this. But I do know that you deserve to be feel beautiful with the one you love, you deserve to feel safe and secure, and you deserve to feel desired and admired. You deserve to feel loved and confident in yourself and your relationship.
He took that away from you. He is responsible for the state of the relationship, not you. The problem isn’t you.
What is with dudes who date people that fit a certain criteria they have in their head, instead of people they actually like and care about, and find both aesthetically pleasing and sexually attractive??
Like, “……do you even like your girlfriend/fiance/wife, bro?”
Dump this dickhead, move on to better things.
Hmmm it seems to me that while he considers you “moderately” physically attractive, he is now (due to his behaviour) quite unattractive to you.
And you know what? That’s not really surprising is it? If you could reset everything, would you have found him attractive enough to emotionally and physically invest in if you knew all this about him? Would you have dated him if you knew he found you “moderately” attractive?
Perhaps you are quite naturally adjusting your attraction to him now you are aware of these less than attractive parts of him.
“This ridiculous feeling of being unwanted haunts me whenever we start getting intimate, even if I felt aroused beforehand, it all drains away from me when it starts to be more than kissing and touching”
I read someone’s reply to another post the other day, and I thought – they put it into words, what I had never been able to, and still struggle to phrase it right (wishing now I had saved the comment).
Your body is telling you how you feel subconsciously, and you should listen to your body. It loses the arousal when you are getting intimate, because he hurt you deeply.
You are worth more than what he is offering. Value yourself.