My fiancé and I have been together for almost 3 years. I discovered he was cheating on me with his 28f coworker.
He admitted to me that he had developed a crush on her in November, but nothing had ever happened except for a little bit of flirty interactions between them every now and then. Come April, he received news he had gotten a new job with another company and they cried over each other about leaving this work environment. I got uncomfortable with this and spoke my mind, but he dismissed my concerns saying they were just best friends. 2 days before his last day at work, he gets into a car accident on his way home from work and totals his car, but miraculously was 100% uninjured.
I was about an hour away from him, and this girl was only 10 minutes away, so she picked him up, and we all met at the site where the car got towed to. The next day he announced he would spend the night at her home since he did not want to miss his last day of work and she lived right near their job and we lived an hour away. I told him I was uncomfortable with this and could take him in at a later time in the day, but he insisted that he was just staying in the guest room and what would possibly happen with her husband there?
Well, her husband went to bed, and they laid on the couch together until 1:30am. She rubbed his thigh with her foot and touched his arm, and then he escalated it to rubbing her back, neck, and grabbing her boobs. I’m told that was the extent of the physical interaction and he had no intentions of this happening going in. He said he felt incredibly guilty but then the rest of the week proceeded to send her nude pictures, a video of him finishing after masturbating to her, and outwardly flirty texts.
He told me he felt incredibly guilty the entire week. He couldn’t eat and would have panic attacks, which I attributed to the new job at the time. But despite feeling guilty he told me he couldn’t stop. He attributed it to ADHD impulse control issues, and a lack of attention from me with my busy work schedule. His mom also passed 2 years prior and grew up with his single mother in bouts of poverty because of infidelity from his dad.
This woman’s husband eventually found the texts a week after the crux of the infidelity started and he called my fiancé out on it. My fiancé admitted everything to me. Apologized profusely. Cut off contact with her. Signed us up for couples counseling and individual counseling for himself. He wants to get back on ADHD medication. He checked out infidelity help books from the library. He let me have full and open access to his phone at any time. He swears up and down that he loves me and is committed to me and wants to make our relationship work. He claims he wanted to break off the affair before I found out but didn’t know how to stop and “loved me too much to tell me”
However what really hurt was when he confessed he had thought he loved her during that week but “not as much” as me, and that all those feelings of love ended immediately when he cut her off. He claims now she was manipulative and could care less if she dropped off the face of the planet. I told him I didn’t think that was real love (he claims he never wanted sex with her and never envisioned a future with her).
I’m not sure what to make of this situation. He seems incredibly remorseful and willing to work on repairing our relationship. He’s cut off contact in his phone with all the females in his life except for family and promised never to put himself in the position to be tempted again, including no female friends.
TLDR; my fiancé cheated on me but is putting forth effort to fix our relationship. I am heartbroken but he seems sincere.
Should I believe him? Is this worth working on?
33 comments
What is the point of working it out? Will you ever trust him again? What is the benefit to you to continue this relationship? He was engaged to you and that wasn’t enough to stop him from cheating.
>He attributed it to ADHD impulse control issues, and a lack of attention from me with my busy work schedule. His mom also passed 2 years prior and grew up with his single mother in bouts of poverty because of infidelity from his dad.
He has a lot of excuses for his shitty behavior, doesn’t he?
He cheated. Got caught and only then expressed remorse. This is not a guy worth marrying.
Is he remorseful or has he fed you a shit ton of sob stories and excuses for his behaviour. He could have stopped. I doubt it was remorse giving him panic attacks but rather fear of being caught. I have ADHD, I don’t even understand how that’s a valid excuse. He loved her? What? As for ‘loving you too much’ to tell you… do you seriously believe that? He only stopped and told you when they were caught.
Honestly it’s for you to decide if you want to work on it, despite what anyone here tells you it is your decision, not having female contact is unrealistic and frankly unhealthy in a relationship. Yous would both have a lot of work to do on your relationship and you have to ask yourself would you be able to trust him again?
Personally If it was me that man would be in the bin.
Leave him
All he had given you is bs excuses. Oh I have ADHD so I can’t be held responsible for my actions. Or my mom died so I can’t control myself.
He isn’t remorseful. He is doing all this because he got caught by the husband.
You can’t trust him that much is obvious. Time to reevaluate your relationship with him.
Leave him! Especially after the spiral of lies…
Mmm. Just a Fiance. Why go through with it? But hey ur call.
So you told him multiple times that you were uncomfortable with his interactions with this coworker, he dismissed your concerns, and proceeded to cheat on you?? Break up with him.
Lots of people have ADHD without being a cheater. This is him failing to to take accountability for his actions.
My ADD impulse control has lead me to buying things I don’t need, not cheat on someone I love. Please don’t buy his excuses.
No -you told him that you were uncomfortable with him staying the night with her. This was after he already disclosed he had feelings for her. This would not be normal in any relationship. Instead of avoiding her to save your relationship he chose to get closer to her. He chose her. He disregarded you and was adamant and planned on alone time with her. He is just scared of her husband because they got caught. Now that he lost her he is now afraid of losing you too. You were the fallback plan. Do not marry a cheater. ADHD doesn’t prevent or cause infidelity. That is BS. He intended to hook up with her. His whole story is full of shit. There was already more going on with the both of them. You don’t need counseling. You need to lose the guy altogether.
>He told me he felt incredibly guilty the entire week
He felt guilty because he got caught.
>Is this worth working on?
No.
he blamed you & adhd for cheating…let this man go. You deserve better!
This is an insult to people with ADHD. He is shitty. Consider yourself lucky you aren’t married wtih kids get
No. Tell him to get out.
You expressed your discomfort *multiple times*.
He ignores you with the assurance nothing is going to happen.
He proceeds to cheat on you, more than once, physically and mentally, in the home of someone *with her husband sleeping upstairs*.
There is absolutely no way this person is redeemable. None.
How gross is it that they were groping each other while the husband slept in the next room…
I’d never be able to look at this guy again, let alone marry him.
Honestly I would let him go. I thought I could forgive and married someone who cheated on me. It didn’t work.
He 100% only told you because he thought the other husband might first.
Honestly it is 100% up to you if you want to stay or not at the end of the day. However, I’m sure this will always hover over your mind thinking of him cheating and you could possibly be on edge a whole lot. For your well being it would make sense to leave. Plus who knows he’d probably do it again.
He’s only remorseful that he got caught. He made the decision to cheat. He’s full of BS blaming it on everything else.
U really have no self respect and love for yourself if u don’t leave him and think about your future 2nd chances always open the door of more lies and disrepsects he gonna again blame his mental state for his turd actions and if u want kids in future I really think they don’t deserve a coward father like him in their life or your life and he clearly don’t love you enough to have the control on himself he just feel shitty and guilty because he got caught and can no longer have fun with that other women ,I mean really are u gonna waste your time and life for this single man ???????? Please for god sake leave this guy manipulating and gaslighting u he already shows the real side of him and where u are in his life u are not damn priority believe people when they shows their true colours it’s time to remove that pink heart tinted glasses from your eyes and see him what really he is ,see what’s infront of u not the potential
If I were you I’d thank my lucky stars I found out before the wedding. Because yes heartbreak is very difficult, but divorce is infinitely harder, and not to mention expensive.
And I hope you’re not falling for his bs – they 100% had sex. Google ‘trickle truth’. Adults don’t stop at making out on the couch when the guest room is right there.
>Is it worth working on?
In my humble opinion, no. Statistically cheaters cheat again. I wouldn’t risk wasting more time on him, marry, have kids, buy a house and so on, and *then* find out he’s cheating again. If he has adhd and is calling the other woman manipulative, then he’s certainly not ready emotionally to be in a relationship with you. Let him be alone instead. If I were you I’d take the out now and focus on healing, no matter how much he promises to change (because what will you do if he doesn’t?)
Really? He blames his ADHD for cheating on you? That’s a low blow. He is really obvious in love with her and she with him. Don’t do that to yourself. Let him go, this will only be heartbreak from now on.
You can do so much better. You deserve an honest, loving relationship with a partner who acknowledges your feelings when you say you’re uncomfortable with something. If you stay with this man, there will be more cheating. He only told you about this instance because the woman’s partner found out.
That’s a wild story. Even him sleeping at her place while her husband slept in their bedroom and she sleep in the chair with him.
Nope this isn’t worth working on.
They was already having an emotional affair.
He knew what would happen staying there I don’t believe that cr@p.
He could of let you take him, but wanted to fu£k her before he left.
And the only reason he told you not because he felt guilty, that’s a lie, but because her husband found out and he knew his cover was blown.
He had every opportunity to stop it, from the inappropriate touching, to then kissing, to then taking each other clothes off to then fu£King to then carrying it on texting inappropriately.. it only stopped because of the husband.. remember that.he didn’t want to stop and didn’t think about you one bit.
Nor did he think about the fact he was in another man home and was fu£King his wife while he slept.. absolutely disgusting.
What best for you is to walk away and cut all contact. He is not worth the years and year of pain you have to go through to even look at him the same.
This relationship is now tainted. So give the POS his ring back.. let all his friends and family know and then leave and cut all communication
He probably fucked her, a lot. And they’re both on the same lie page. Get rid. You can’t trust him .
Please don’t marry this man. Please.
Please don’t marry this man. He claims he didn’t want sex with her, but he grabbed her boobs and jacked off to pics of her. 🧐 Don’t be dense. Of course he wanted sex and the only reason that didn’t happen was because of her husband, not bec your fiancée suddenly grew a conscience. You’ll never be able to trust this man again. I bet if you talk to her husband, you’ll find things are way worse than your fiancée is letting on.
I would have left back when he told me he had feelings for someone else. When you are in love with someone completely, then there is no room for others. Leave now before you marry this lying cheat.
Honestly I would have been suspicious as soon as he admitted to having a crush and didn’t immediately end their friendship, only speaking to her about work for work. That’s what actual committed people do when they realize they’ve began developing a crush for someone else. Because they know their loyalty and feelings belong to their partner.
This is honestly your call though. Do you think you’ll be able to trust him again? You do realize he only confessed about the affair because he got caught right? Would you be able to get past that? Do you trust him that he loves you more than his affair partner? What is he doing now that’s proving that he can be trusted again? This is something he’ll need to reassure you about for a long time.
So if the husband didn’t call him out on it or finding out, he would’ve still come clean? Bullshit. And you know it.
He’s not sorry he’s doing damage control. Tell him you want to attend individual therapy for a month before you attend couples therapy and watch how he will try to spin it into you wanting to leave, he’s so sorry, you need to work as a team to fix it.
At no point did he take accountability for his actions he blamed it on the ADHD.
He cheated
Should I believe him?
No, no you shouldn’t