So I been seeing a guy for a week and he’s the kindest person I ever been with. On the first date he was into touching my belly idk if he has a fat fetish but I told him to never do it again and he didn’t
Yesterday I went to his house for sex and he said I need to record a video first giving consent. Apparently in college he experienced a SA and none of his friends believed him so he said he doesn’t want to go through something like that again. I left his house immediately since I found it sad he didn’t trust me and I don’t plan to meet him anymore. He said maybe in the future if we fall in love, he wouldn’t need a video recording but love is so far down the line.
36 comments
The guy is just trying to be safe, it’s not a bad idea honestly
This sounds a bit off. If i were you, I’d be worried he may be putting me in a sexually unsafe situation and using the video later to prove you were okay with it.
This seems sus honestly, I would have left too.
It doesn’t really matter because consent can be revoked at any time. So you may consent to something when you make the recording and change your mind when it starts or in the middle of the act.
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All these people commenting about how he shouldn’t need to record her giving consent like they think women would never lie about it later.
She’s refusing to give consent that can be proved later but he’s the red flag. This sub is something else.
So honestly, I can kind of see this from both sides. Him wanting to protect himself and what not… but everyone else is 100% right. Consent can be revoked at any damn time either party pleases. So this video seems a little baseless.
I’m not saying the dude’s completely bad, but this just doesn’t give off the right vibes. I can imagine it’d be a great gaslighting tool as well. It almost feels like he’s already trying to go down that road, with the “maybe if we were in love I wouldn’t need an explicit consent video from you” statement. You might not need the video, but you absolutely still need the consent man! Good on ya for gtfo!
1) A recording doesn’t actually provide the evidence he’s looking for. You could just change your mind during the act.
What he needs is you to send a text after the fact saying you had a great time. That would imply that the entire encounter was good. Not just the start. Also you don’t really need to record a full video. Just text him after the fact.
2) If he’s being genuine, then I empathize with his pain. Going through shit like that would make someone hyperconcerned about being at risk. But at that point it sounds like he needs therapy or at least better strategy.
3) Whether or not he’s lying, if you don’t like the terms of the deal you don’t have to agree. I would encourage sympathy for the issues he has faced. But that doesn’t mean you don’t get to draw boundaries that make you comfortable.
If something seems off to you, you can just leave.
Even if he’s not trying to use this video to lie about your consent, the fact that his best solution is a video before the act instead of a text after, suggests to me that he’s not in the right mindstate.
Everyone hating on him but it’s a good idea. Especially since he’s already went through an ordeal before this, I understand why it’s hard for him to trust after that
Man I hope the legal system would not think him having video proof of consent was normal and good evidence of consent cause that is super suspicious like a premeditated plan for SA
Personally i would be less off-putted by this situation if they had asked for a whole sex tape (at least that way there’d be clear evidence though it would still be weird to make a tape for that reason instead of making it to have a sexy tape)
but just a video saying she consented but not to what and then the cameras off and they(the guy) are free to do whatever knowing they have the vid of consent plus previous allegations of SA that even their friends wouldn’t believe their Innocence the whole thing is super off especially if you don’t know the person well
Regardless of whether the allegations are true or not though it’s just a bad situation for her to be involved in plus my brother needs help not pussy
Maybe talk to him more about what happened.
I mean…imagine being falsley accused of SA…your life could easily be ruined forever, prison. That is trauma.
It’s not about trusting you, he prob trusted his other partner also. Maybe he’s scared his trusting instinct needs some repair.
Sounds like a dude that did something innocent and has been scorned. Being labeled a rapist when your not has got to be worst possible thing, I’d be overlying cautious too, there is nothing lower than a rapist, and when you get accused, everyone questions it, even your closest friends.
You can withdraw consent at any time, so this makes no sense.
Also, why would HIM being SA’d in college make HIM want proof that people had consented for the future?
Sounds like he was accused for a SA and none of his friends believed him that the other person consented.
Cause nothing screams “this is of my own volition” more than a video of someone saying “I consent to sex with this person”
That fact that all these folks are calling it a red flag has some combination of lack of empathy, lack of rationality, or lack of care.
Yes, consent can be revoked at any time. At a absolute minimum, they would like it to be known that it was at least entered with consent (and hopefully displayed enthusiasm on the video).
It’s like the lot of you are jumping over the reason and going straight to the emotional response.
Weird. But these days not surprising
I would never agree to make a video like that. I’m too paranoid that it could be used to “steal” my content or secretly record me in some way to post online.. and that consent video would then be used as “evidence” that I agreed to it.
All the people saying red flag are so narrow in their thinking.
False accusations, if true, are so psychologically damaging.
First of all you get charged, then from the time you get charged to the time you’re hopefully found innocent is so long. Court cases take a lot of time, and in the meantime your charges are shown all over the internet, show up in background checks.
It can affect your public image, your job prospects, you’ll be broke, you’ll be paying lawyers, then your lack of trust for the opposite sex will probably never be regained… all this while waiting for the case to be resolved.
It’s honestly crazy. Of course you have the right to reject making the video and that’s okay, but to start screaming red flag blah blah, which I notice is coming from women who can just wake up and accuse someone for absolutely any reason, I feel like because they’re on the side of the power in making the accusations they can’t empathize with men.
It’s a crazy situation all around and I wish y’all would stop being close minded.
Sounds like you both need to work on building trust and good communication before you even think of having sex. If he is a nice person, as you say, maybe ask what happened to make him feel a vídeo is necessary (was he assaulted or accused of assault? Does he need counselling either way?).
If you’re willing to progress this relationship maybe sit down and have a big talk. Anything that could’ve been put in the video can be voiced verbally. Do you each know each other’s limits? Do you have safewords? Do you check in with each other that you’re ok? Will you want aftercare?
Consent is important for both of you. So is trust. You don’t have to rush into anything. Take your time. Get to know each other. But trust your gut instinct.
Guess someone not wanting their life ruined a second time is a red flag. Anyways you’re a OK on not wanting to deal with that situation
Did you attempt to have a conversation about it? Or did you leave immediately? I have similar fears from highschool but just opted out of sex in general until I overcame the fears.
I don’t blame him, but if you do it, I would specify the time and date. I was accused of SA once and it was Totally not true. Luckily I made it through without a record of it anywhere. I’d be afraid to get burned again too.
I did something similar for a guy I was sleeping with bc we did extreme kinks and he had been accused of SA in the past (he didn’t do it but it almost fucked his life up”
He just made me send a text saying that i consent to (very specific positions, acts, words etc.) and I wrote my first and last name on it.
The difference tho is that i already had trust in him and we had known each other for a while.
Honestly I don’t see a problem with it. Men gave challenges related to dating, including false allegations. Not saying it’s any more challenging that women, just that the challenge exists.
That is wierd but at the same time a false SA accusation can really fuck a persons worldview up and is absolutely traumatic. Same time you are absolutely in the right to leave if things felt off.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but this is the world that has been left to young singles after the #metoo movement, the popularity of cancel culture and destroying the confidence of men with the ideas surrounding “toxic masculinity”.
Is it weird? Sure. But it makes sense to me. He doesn’t want to take the risk of having his life dismantled.
I am not excusing legitimate sexual assault or rape. But there have been many lives, careers and reputations completely and permanently destroyed by false accusations.
If you find this to be a red flag, all you can do is walk away. I don’t personally think he’s doing anything wrong even if you find it weird. It’s his way of protecting himself, and unfortunately it probably means things aren’t going to work out with you.
>I found it sad he didn’t trust me
Girl, you’ve been dating for a week. A WEEK.
I’m not saying that he’s in the right here – it does sound weird, but he has every right to be careful. Don’t record the video. Wait and get to know each other first if he’s not comfortable.
Not gonna lie everybody seems a little weird here.
Is it me or does bulidng trust take more than a week?
Okay, here is my personal story, and I’ll paraphrase to make it short.
I’m a guy who was accused of SA a few years back. The act itself was confusing to me because when I made her uncomfortable during the act, I immediately stopped, and we talked about it for the rest of the night. We even dated a few weeks afterwards (nothing sexual happened after that night). We both walked away from the short relationship, being okay with what had happened that night.
Long story short, a few years later, she changes her mind about “the night”. She goes full blown bitter, an decides to spread a rumor that I had performed SA on her. I mean, I admit it, I made a mistake – maybe I pushed her a little too hard.
But, I thought at very least she’d talk to me about it before going around my communities and spreading that rumor. And I’ll tell you – the trauma this rumor has caused, was way beyond what she had experienced that night. I lost 80% of my friends over night. I felt in my chest a panic attack that lasted for over 3 weeks straight. My self esteem died. My reputation in my community destroyed. I stopped dating for about 3 years after that.
So.. making a tape for consent? I can understand that as an extreme version of how I’d handle things had I truly gone down the deep end. What happened to me, happened 4 years ago, and to this day, I still side eye any first time sexual interactions.
I can see both sides. As a man, the idea of being falsely accused is terrifying so having some proof of consent seems reasonable. But as a father, the idea of a man getting prerecorded consent to WHATEVER happens next is also terrifying.
Sounds like noping out is a good call
Good rule of thumb with strangers is and dodgy situations, if something feels off – just trust your gut. It is not worth it.
So many men actually do that now. Quite common.
to be honest, I can’t blame them.
I’d run for the hills, that’s just weird.
I’m so confused. He apparently experienced a SA during college and no one believed him. That’s awful, truly, but what purpose does recording his prospective partner stating that they give consent do to ease his worries?
If he had been falsely accused of committing SA and no one believed him, then I could understand why he’d want a video of his partner giving consent. But that’s not what happened. He was the one who was assaulted and not believed. So I just don’t understand what his thought process is here.
If anything, according to this logic, OP should be the one recording HIM stating that he gives consent since he’s the one who was apparently SA’d who no one believed.
This whole situation is sketchy and weird as fuck. And if the bizarre video request wasn’t odd enough, him saying maybe in the future if they fall in love he wouldn’t need a recording is also a very odd thing to say to someone you’ve only been hanging out with for a week. At least I would be put off by it.
Even if u did give consent on a video, it can be revoked any time during sex so I’m not sure wtf it would even prove. It started off consensual doesn’t mean it’ll end consensual, I’m glad u walked out.
Sad we live in a society that this is something that many men are scared of