Have been in an amazing relationship for 3 months (exclusive). I’m M she is F.
I am about to head interstate for 2 weeks so we caught up tonight for one last night and as we are heading to my place she says she messaged an old hookup (they only had sex twice)to wish him happy birthday and that he wants to catch up for coffee most likely while I am away. She asked me if it was okay and basically I stewed on it silently for 40 mins in traffic (I was angry) until we got near my place where I pulled into a car park and told her no it wasn’t okay and it’s disrespectful to even ask me something like that. She agreed and said it was stupid to jeopardise what we have for someone who means nothing to her (which in a way is nice, but why then even bring it up). I even ask her how she would feel if tomorrow night I went out with an old hookup and she said she would hate it so I really don’t see why she asked or even thought about it. Anyway she stuffed up our night because we didn’t even end up going back to my place we just talked for an hour then went to dinner before I had to drop her back home.
So was I overreacting or am I justified?
My perspective is you have found someone special that you want to focus on leave all that dating app shit behind you which is exactly what I did when “she” asked me to be exclusive.
28 comments
Just and old friend ? Sure, no prob. A guy she slept with ? Yeah nah dude.
Lol no way, if she meets or continues talking to him I’d dump her immediately.
I think you were justified. I’d be upset as well. She even confirmed the same. People do become friends with someone they used to be intimate with, but to meet up for coffee with a previous partner, especially after only 3 months into dating you and while you’re away, is inappropriate. It simply even looks bad. I’m not really sure why she was willing to indulge this. Maybe she just wanted to be nice and maintain being on good terms?
Whatever the reason, I think it’s best to talk this out. Try to understand her perspective, and just be calm and don’t assume any bad intentions on her part. Could just be a mistake and a lapse of good judgment. But I’d also make it clear why this was a bad idea on her part. There’s nothing wrong with you stating your boundaries.
you mentioned how you feel about it, she agreed to it and won’t meet him.
it sounds like communication worked.
so just take some time and let those emotions flow away from you.
We all know that if she was going to bang this guy she wouldn’t have said a word about him to you and would have just hooked up with him while you were away.
That’s not what happened.
Let’s assume she’s not the dumbest human on the planet. She told you because it didn’t even occur to her to cheat on you nor did she think you’d be so quick to distrust her that you’d think this was a big deal. She told you because she respects you and wanted your permission even though in reality she can have coffee with whomever she wants without asking permission—-it’s coffee—she owes you fidelity not total control over who she spends platonic time with.
So she did the right thing, asked for permission, and you’re still mad at her.
Her only crime here as far as I can tell is caring about a past hookup as a human being. She wished him a happy birthday—oh the horror, what kind of person wishes someone happy birthday? He suggested catching up over coffee—coffee, the sexiest elixir on the planet.
Take a deeper look at why you reacted the way you did. Do you not trust her? Are you insecure? What triggered the reaction you had? Because if you felt totally happy and secure and trusted her you wouldn’t have had the response you had.
I don’t understand being this upset about someone asking about a boundary. You’re in a new relationship and you’re figuring out what’s okay and what’s not. She asked, you answered, she respected the answer. Why stew on it?
Unsurprisingly, there are many voices in support of your gf, but really, if she has even an inkling of common sense, she shouldn’t have thought about it in the first place. Good thing it’s only three months in.
Whilst it’s okay to be hurt by the suggestion and voice your discomfort with it, it’s pretty childish to be angry about her asking your feelings on it beforehand. She did nothing wrong and was very respectful and considerate in checking your boundaries with it before taking any action. You can’t expect her to read your bloody mind. You stuffed your own night.
I think it’s perfectly fine to not be okay with it, it’s even fine to be upset about it
But do you really feel like your emotional response was well regulated?
You’ve been together for only 3 months, you’re still setting boundaries, learning each other’s preferences etc
What you did was show her that if she asks you a question in the future that tests a boundary she’s not sure about, then you will react extremely negatively and be offended she even asked which closes off important communication channels for things that actually matter
It turns into “I didn’t tell you because I thought it would upset you”
Maybe you could try reframing this as “she values me enough that she was honest and upfront with me”?
Okay so people can be platonic friends with the gender they are attracted to. I’m friends with a few people I dated/hooked up with. I think it speaks to the fact that we actually got together on the basis of comparability and genuinely liking each other’s interests.
I don’t understand why you would get angry about her asking your boundary. You’ve been together for 3 months, she nor you don’t know each other’s boundaries yet. I don’t think it’s a red flag that she asked, rather I think your reaction is a red flag. Steaming because your girlfriend was straightforward with you and took your boundaries to heart and abided by them? That’s disconcerting.
L
>someone who means nothing to her
If he means nothing to her, then why does she want to wish him happy birthday and catch up with him?!
I’d understand if he was a friend or something, but this is literally just a dude she banged.
She did communicate, at least. And you did establish this boundary. Make sure you keep this boundary strong, though.
My partner is still good friends with several ex’s. I see it as a green flag when people end relationship’s on good terms. I trust her completely, so what possibly issue would I have? If you trust the person you are with (and you should) then I don’t understand the issue. So personally yes I feel you over reacted and it reads as quite insecure to me.
I think that she asked you is great because it shows she cares about how you feel. If you aren’t cool with it, just tell her.
It is justified
Are they actually people who only hooked up or is that your perception of things? If he’s literally just a dude she banged and means nothing to her, I’d question why she wants to meet him for a personal outing. If it’s more than that and they’re actual friends that limited their contact after that makes more sense. Doesn’t seem like a good move on her part 3 months into a new relationship however.
Even if you aren’t dealing with it in the best way by continuing to be angry over it, I can’t ignore how she’s handling a brand new relationship…Particularly when even she herself says she would hate it. Hypocritical. Red flag to me. Kinda amazed at how many ppl are ignoring that part.
Don’t gaslight yourself. Your feelings and reaction are justified.
>I even ask her how she would feel if tomorrow night I went out with an old hookup and she said she would hate it
This right here is troubling. It shows a total lack of thought and empathy. She was so caught up in this idea of entertaining what SHE wanted to do, she didn’t even consider how you’d feel. If she had considered how she’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot, she’d have already known it was an inappropriate ask. This is a red flag. Don’t ignore it man..
Your gf may seriously struggle with boundaries. I’d also try to find out more about this former hookup. He asked to meet for coffee and your gf might THINK it’s just a coffee catchup, but is that what he intended? At the end of the day, I don’t advise putting your trust in someone who can’t set appropriate boundaries around the relationship. If there is a high chance this guy has ulterior motives, then she should not have even entertained the idea of coffee with him.
You’ve only been together for 3 months, and she was open enough to discuss it with you.
She’s allowed to still communicate with other people platonically, even if they’ve had a sexual past.
You’re being very controlling and childish over this.
You’re 40 years old, have a toddler, and this is what you’re fixated on?
The reason she brought it up was a test. She already knew how she felt, what she should do, and how it would her feel if she was in your situation. She wanted to see how you would feel and therefore posed the question. She doesn’t know your thoughts how you feel about her, hence why she asked.
This is part of communication. She was also probably unsure how you felt about her as you never said anything directly within those 3 months of what stage you guys are at.
Justified . my guy , you have every right to question her . But in my opinion you’re lost her already, just wait for the break up or break things up . I personally would not let that slide at all she texted him first she still thinks about him. So yeah you lost her already. Good luck my guy
so you communicated and she agreed? and now you
just wanna stay upset? come on now
Just an observation, but men and women get different advice on here to the same situation, lmao.
As she said, she’d be pissed if this were reversed so what she was asking was even to her unreasonable and a double-standard, before she asked. That showed poor judgment on her part, on top of wanting to set up an intimate situation with someone who clearly has or had sexual dealings with her….knowing full well you’d likely not be ok with it.
So, the real question is what was she doing by asking? Testing you? (terrible), or genuinely wanting to do something that lacks sensible propriety and puts you into a state of anxiety or doubt (terrible), or was she just wanting permission to get the attention of someone else while you take it (worst of all, if so).
I don’t think you were unreasonable at all, and I’m going to say that this was also a terrible character admission of hers, that you might want to pay attention to.
Its not disrespectful to ask something like that, its actually really respectful to ask your partner their limits.
Rage unjustified
You are justified! She sounds insecure and immature! Testing to see if you would get upset. I glad you stood your ground. If she continues to do these type of actions I would discuss this with her and or reevaluate whether you want to invest in a long term relationship with her
Justified. Disrespectful and troubling.
I don’t think she is the girl for you. Do you want to have to worry every time you need to go somewhere?
Worry every time you can’t give her attention 24/7?
Worry about whether the kid is yours?
I would called that a red flag buddy.
Ya if my gf asked me this it would raise a lot of alarm bells for me. I’ve been cheated on in that past and from my experience this is usually how it begins. They ask politely like its nbd then they just start going behind your back and gaslighting you when you protest. I would definitely consider this strike 1 for her.
The fact that she even entertained the idea wouldn’t be ok with me. She was going to do it, or still might behind your back. Tells you what type of person you’re dealing with here. She can’t be trusted.