TW Sexual Coercion
So I’m happily married for quite some time, but one thing that was always an issue was the topic of sex, not because of the frequency but a total lack of enthusiasm on my wife’s part. The things she does enjoy is giving me oral and being praised while doing so and she can be quite enthusiastic then, but that’s it.
A few weeks ago she opened up to me about being coerced into sexual stuff she didn’t like in her last relationship and ever since sex was something to endure rather than to enjoy. (I knew before that that she was in a bad relationship but not to the full extent). She wants to enjoy it, but there’s this mental blockade that stops her from doing so.
Did anyone in a similar situation find a way to solve this issue? And yes, I know therapy and me being understanding is extremely important, but I’m also looking for pragmatic suggestions for her and me.
5 comments
Therapy and lots of communication between you two.
Set boundaries when you aren’t in the middle of sexy times and don’t break them no matter how horny you both are. If either of you want to try something new bring it up again outside of sexy times and set new boundaries.
Setup a safe word, they aren’t just for wild BDSM sex, this can empower her to end things when she’s uncomfortable. Also work on checking in with each other very quickly during sex without killing the mood. Work on a little “you good?” And “yup, all good” response.
And most importantly, once she does start opening up and expressing desire for sex, believe her and trust that she knows what she wants.
Therapy for her would help. Maybe some couples sessions.
But have you ever offered to let her have total control of the situation? Whatever that means to her. I’ve had a couple women that were nervous and I simply said “tell me what you want”. I did everything without question and with enthusiasm. They’d never felt in control before and it eased them up. With a wife, I’d let her tie me down if that’s what she needs to feel in control.
So not a therapist and this is just me. For me, I went through a bit of this. I was programmed to feel like a man’s tool to cum versus having sex for my own sexual pleasure. I was in a fairly strict and serious sub/dom relationship that I will never do again. It fucked me up for a while. I had to retrained myself to remember that sex was meant to please me too.
To do this, I number one had to feel sexy. I had to feel desired and to feel like sex was my choice. Sounds like she has a pretty good support system there. So I would continue to work on making her feel good about herself.
Number two, I had to have a partner who for a little while was solely focused on my pleasure and allowed me to focus on it too. So that I didn’t have to go into it looking at it as a chore or something I had to do. But rather an exciting thing that I was looking forward to. This doesn’t mean you don’t get off. It means that you do whatever she needs and try to get off her way for a while. Stop focusing on BJs unless SHE wants to give them. That kind of thing. She needs to feel worshipped. A goddess that you feel so god damn lucky to be touching.
Also, toys, THC, other things to enhance the experience helped me begin to look forward to sex and crave it again.
I had gotten to a point where I felt like sex was just something I did to please my man because he was so hyper focused on himself (this is true in my current situation with the hyper focusing on himself but I know how to still get mine now haha). I think a lot of women go to this place of “why should I pleasure you, and put myself through this ‘chore’ if I’m not enjoying it?” I think this is also true because as women we are trained that all men want is sex. They will sweet talk you into it in the moment, get what they want without reciprocating, then they will toss you out. So women already tend to have this fucked up view of sex because we are afraid we are being sweet talked and tricked into something, instead of saying “well fuck yea, this is for me too.”
So she needs to retrain herself to remember that it’s for her and your orgasm is a plus! Just for the moment to get her in the right mind frame, so that she stops seeing sex as a man’s sport and starts seeing it as a mutual means of relaxation and release. Just my two cents.
Try to spice things up, communicate and tell her that she should live in present. Try to explore her body and discover a pain point/ touch point/ arousing point. It’ll help. But time and patience is the key. Be kind, patient to her. My gf was quite resistant in early days but with patience, time she is quite expressive now.
Therapy and learn to explore her kinks be open minded and open in discussion