Sigh here we go. The main question I have for this group is – should i get a divorce or proceed onwards with my marriage?
My wife (33F) and I (31M) recently moved to the South from the coasts. We’ve moved away from family, and while our careers are blossoming in this new city – being away from family has provided some alone time to really think about what I’d like for my life.
I am a young doctor, live a high stress life working at a large academic center in a stressful specialty. Wife is also in medicine, worked a stressful job, but burned out like I and now works elective surgery.
We are college sweethearts, fell in love freshman years, both each others real first serious relationships. However FF to now… I want kids, she doesn’t. I’m religious and it’s more and more influencing the life I want to live, and she’s not.
We do have lots of similarities – she learned about vegetarianism through my family and faith, such loved it and is now vegan. We both play tennis every now and then.
But we hardly have sex. She doesn’t want to socialize with anyone outside work, and laments my being so outgoing. I’m scared we’ve grown apart.
We share a beautiful life together, a beautiful dog (our child), a great apartment, nice cars. Etc.
But What happens if I get divorced? She’s amazing in so many ways, how do I know if kids are a deal breaker for me m? She wants to stay in the South, I want to be by my family – if they move down here great, if not… idk.
14 comments
If you want kids and she does not, do not get married. Instead, break up and mourn this relationship for as long as you need.
How badly do you want kids?
Would be happy with not having kids? Or would you grow to resent her (and yourself) for not taking that chance and having kids?
Did you have the kid conversation before you got married? That’s a big thing to not be on the same page about and quite honestly, divorce worthy purely so both people don’t have to settle for something so big that they don’t want.
Diverging lives can be assisted only by coming to a middle ground, on some issues sometimes you give more sometimes you get more, there is no equality. Loving someone means you’re willing to give more than at times, receive less than your share.
That’s the stuff of love.
If you don’t have kids, you will always resent her for that, and you will take it out on her.
If you do have kids, she will take that out on you *and* the kids.
You’ll save everyone some heartbreak if you have the courage to divorce her now.
Hard questions need to be asked and wanting kids and the other not wanting kids makes things tough. Question is, if you stay, will this create resentment down the road? Need to be honest with your emotions and never compromise your values
The two things that are imo pretty much impossible to bridge the gap on in a relationship are kids and religion. You can’t compromise on whether or not to have kids – there really isn’t a middle ground option and it also influences every single aspect of your life. Neither of you should have to compromise what you want there. And as for religion, that is so central to most people’s worldview that I find it pretty impossible to get past when sharing a life together.
Sounds like it’s probably best to cut your losses and move on.
The kids part is huge. Why would you marry if you knew she didn’t want kids and you did?
Didn’t you have those conversation and thoughts about it before getting married ?
I personally think it’s something you really have to only ask to yourself.
You probably should have had a conversation before or maybe you did and at that time you might have thought she would have changed her mind with time.
As women we kind of know if we want to be mother one day, or not. Is even true that things can change with time, but I feel it’s an instinct we have…
I think you have to sit with yourself and try to understand if you rather live a life without her or a life without kids… it’s very hard, I can only imagine. Good luck and please look after yourself.
I didn’t want kids for many years then when I started in my career I changed my mind. If you guys have a good marriage and relationship other than these 2 issues then how about couples counseling? You might discover issues that need individual counseling to address- like coping skills for your high stress jobs.
Many stories posted here have a lot of negatives posted. And yes I realize that these are 2 huge points – but see if they can be worked thru as you are married. I wish you good luck.
Not having sex is a problem there . Physical intimacy is vital to a successful marriage. If naturally, sex is not occurring, you or your wife are not emotionally attached to each other . I would seek therapy if you want this marriage, or make the hard choice in divorce and figure life out apart.
So you’re a person of medicine, if science, but still believe that blind faith in something totally man made will guide you.
She isn’t like that.
This isn’t a problem as long as you both respect one another. People of different religious backgrounds stay together all the time. Those people understand time and place and never push their beliefs on the other.
You probably need to learn to live outside of the cocoon your family provides you. You’re 31 so living outside of that for a few years isn’t a bad thing.
The kicker is kids. Not sure how this wasn’t discussed prior to marriage, and if it was it wasn’t made 100% clear. You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you , and if it is, ending the marriage sooner than later is probably best.
You should have had the kids conversation before you got married. If you stay with her, you will have to be sure that you’re okay with never having kids. If you’re not, it’s time to leave.