So I (30M) have been married to my wife (35F) for 5yrs. Today I was looking through her Snapchat and I saw a chat that she had with what looked like an old friend from college.
I read the chat between them and apparently she used to have feelings for him but he wasn’t into her. She stated she was glad to hear from him and that he was doing well. She later talked about why he didn’t want to be with her back then and that she didn’t have any hard feelings over it.
She continued to bring it up how she was interested in him but was it was reciprocated. She later exchanged photos of her with our kid and he does the same. Then they exchange photos of themselves working out. He compliments her say she looks sexy and she compliments him by send the emojis with heart eyes. He starts complimenting her on her smile and her eyes.
I’m sure that is not the end of their convo, it’s just where the convo stopped. My issue is that the whole time they were catching up she never mentioned me or that she has a husband. Another thing is the flirting. I don’t think the flirting was that bad but as a man I know where the other guy is trying to go.
I have had similar issues with my wife over things like this. It would put a damper on our relationship because I feel like she doesn’t know how to set boundaries. I’m usually confront her about this before it gets out of hand. I know I shouldn’t compare my wife to others but I know my friends wives don’t flirt or allow other men to get to that point.
I don’t know if she likes to flirt with other men, or she’s trying to start something behind my back. I just don’t understand how she doesn’t see it as disrespectful to our relationship, after I’ve told her I don’t like her entertaining men that flirt with her. She can have a casual conversation with other men but I know men from your past don’t randomly reach out to you to just be friends.
Can I get some input on this? Am I over thinking this?
8 comments
Call her on it. He called her sexy and she encouraged him, that is inappropriate at every level. This would be a deal breaker for either of us in my marriage.
She is having an emotional affair with a guy and if you don’t stop her now she will have a physical of her with him. Do you want this marriage? If you want to marriage, you need to take a place of strength I need to set hard boundaries for her. There also needs to be consequences for what she’s doing, you asked about an ultimatum? Yes, can you tell her she needs to stop everything with the guy you’re going to divorce her. You might wanna go ahead and talk to a lawyer and have papers written up and have her served. That will knock her out of the cheating waters maybe. She might understand what she’s doing is wrong because right now she certainly doesn’t and you said she’s done this before. If that’s true, you might just want to reconsider having her as a partner at all.
You are not over thinking this. This could be an EA that needs to be addressed. He exchanged pictures with kids then he probably has a wife/SO. I would reach out to that person to let them know, and compare notes. If your wife knows you are checking her snap chat, she may move to another way of communicated to hide it from you.
***because I feel like she doesn’t know how to set boundaries.***
Have the discussion with her and set firm boundaries. You may have to be the policeman for life with her, however. MC might be necessary.
When confronting her, say hey so how is x doing?
Let her respond, depending on how that goes my next response would be. Is he worth us getting a divorce over?
If she says no, look at her and say then I think you need to take a break from social media. You seem to be ok with this and you need to focus on us. So why don’t you give me your usernames and passwords, and delete them off your phone. All of them.
When she responds, you are being controlling etc. Say no, you are crossing boundaries. You are Seeking unnecessary and unneeded attention from other men. I expect and deserve better from you.
So if you think this behavior is controlling, you are ok with me reaching out to some exes and hooking up with them. Because that is the path you are on. Your path is one that would be considered an emotional affair. So either do better or we will get a divorce.
Then sit and wait for the usernames and passcodes from her. Then change her passcodes and make all of her socials private. Then respond to him and say you will be blocked I have to work on my marriage and our conversations were inappropriate.
Her behaviour is total bullshit. Completely disrespectful to you, and at best the behaviour of a shallow, disloyal person looking for validation in shitty places. At worst, she’s a liar and a cheater. As a female who’s been married for 19 years, I’m here to tell you this is really shitty conduct. Completely offside.
MC sounds like it would be a good idea if she has interest in saving the marriage. A confrontation is definitely the right way to go. Good luck and update us!
Man, it looks like things are really bad. She is ready for an affair, she is looking for an affair, or perhaps she is already having an affair, but she hides it well.
Of course it’s up to you, but her behavior shows that she doesn’t need marriage and family, she needs sexual pleasures on the side.
Whatever you decide, meet with a lawyer immediately and prepare the divorce papers. She will start talking to you seriously without manipulation and gaslighting only after seeing the file in your hand. You can’t start confrontations with her without such preparation, otherwise she will pull you through her entire crap.
Wooooow. So what you’re describing is an emotional affair , and in my books that is just as bad as a physical one / just two sides of the same coin. She doesn’t respect you or your relationship.