Yesterday, I (M20) had a conflict with my girlfriend (F20). It is not the first time then it happened for the same reason, but now it’s more serious. When I see her upset I always ask what happened, but she always struggles to answer to this question. The reason she gives is that it is not important (like some kind of short pain) or/and she doesn’t want to put her problems to other people. It is really hard for her to tell her real feelings and emotions. Even if it looks like she really trusts me, then we are talking about negative feelings it looks like it changes. But I can’t just ignore that she is upset without knowing the reason and helping, so I keep repeating the same answer till I get the answer, which usually makes her mood even worse.
For this reason, I have no clue what to do, I understand being that insistent is a bad thing and I am not right in this situation, but as I said I can’t ignore her problems. I already have problems with anxiety and insomnia, which I am trying to fix, so all these conflicts, and hidden negative feelings, make my problems worse, so it looks like there is no right option to choose. How I should solve this problem, like finding the right option best for everyone?
7 comments
You actually can just offer a hug and quit bothering her with questions. It will be hard but it is what she wants. You are driving her away with this need to fix things. Just hug her next time. Do that enough and you’ll become a safe place and when something serious is bothering her, she’ll trust you to listen. Not solve. Listen.
NPD is no joke. Either learn how to deal with it or abandon ship.
You’re taking the way you solve problems, and trying to enforce it on her.
Each of you have your on way of thinking. Own habits. You function one way, she functions another.
You’re different people.
Trying to pry it out of her, clearly makes matters worst. So, perhaps tone that down.
If she is bad at opening up her feelings, that doesn’t mean you need to ignore it… You can still do something to help curve her feelings:
>You’re upset and don’t want to talk about it? That’s fine.
>
>How about we go do something fun instead.
>
>Lets go grab some ice-cream or cuddle and watch a movie!
Sometimes, people don’t want to hear a list of things on how to ‘fix’ it. They would rather have you be there to sympathize with them, take their mind off it / help comfort the emotion.
Yeah, might be. Just she asks every time if even small things happen to me, so I tried my best to do the same thing.
I had the same problem too, like your girlfriend. It is difficult for me to talk about what makes me upset. Me and my husband had this type of interaction often, over and over. It took a lot of time for me personally to start to open up, and the patience of my husband sure helped a LOT. We all process thing differntly, understanding how to work together and learn our differences it’s the beauty of relationships, but it doesnt happen overnight.
Give her love and time, it’s probably something she learned when she was young. We also share a notes app, so when Im bothered I can write there and he can read it later to understand how I feel. It helped because its absolutely difficult sometimes to share it vocally, maybe you can try it out. But anyway it takes time.
Good luck
It sounds like control issues. My ex did the same thing to me. Maybe you should seek out a therapist.
It’s a fallacy that knowing every single thought in your partner’s head somehow makes the relationship stronger. You’re not her therapist and she doesn’t owe it to you to tell you everything that’s going on with her all the time. So now you know that she’s someone who doesn’t put everything on the table. This is her personality and coping mechanism. Your only option is to decide whether who and what she is is what you want in your life. We can’t change people, we can only pick and choose the people we wish to associate with.