And I’m getting a short fuse about it. I know I shouldn’t take it personally. I keep reading articles about it, but all of it is about offering sympathy to the grumpy partner — but what about the partner that has to tolerate this behavior? What are good boundaries to have? How can I protect my peace?
Examples: One time I ordered us Chinese and accidentally had it delivered to my address (a 2 minute drive away). he was freaking out about it getting cold when we were grabbing it from my house. It made me feel horrible. The food was definitely not cold, btw. After, he apologized for being so dramatic. Another time, we bought a (big) tub of food to share but in the process of purchasing it he was complaining about me hypothetically eating all of the Mac and cheese in it. Again; made me feel horrible. I ended up not eating any of it. I can handle a few situations like this, but not every time we hang out.
Don’t get me started on the bringing snacks solution. I’ve brought snacks along with us but the snacks never seem good or filling enough and he’ll still be fussy afterwards.
It’s hard to not feel bummed out when we spend the weekend together and there’s always one point in time where he’s acting short, dragging his feet during our plans, or I’m anxious about going anywhere because he might get hangry. This problem is a source for many arguments we’ve had.
TL;DR: my partners consistent hangry mood is causing a rift in our relationship. I don’t know how to have proper boundaries about it.
42 comments
He’s an adult. He’s responsible for figuring out how to act appropriately. If he needs to eat more often, then he needs plans and backup plans for how to ensure it happens. Although he should probably get therapy to learn how to behave reasonably even when hangry. Everyone experiences negative emotions, but adults learn how to handle them without being mean to others.
If he has some medical condition that makes this a more extreme problem for him, then he needs to take major steps to ensure he always has food available. I have a personal safety protocol that ensures I eat and drink enough before I leave the house to reduce the risk of medical problems. It’s a pain, but if your body requires it, then your body requires it.
As someone who gets hangry, this sounds like less of a hangry issue and more of a him issue. Someone who is hangry will not care if food is two minutes cold specifically. That sounds like a picky issue. I think you should talk about these instances and how they are stressful for you. He sounds like he needs to learn to go with the flow and cope with minor inconveniences better.
Sounds like he’s just a grumpy guy. This would be difficult to tolerate long term.
Refuse to hang out with him unless he’s eaten a filling meal within half an hour of your scheduled date.
I’m only half kidding.
>I’ve brought snacks along with us but the snacks never seem good or filling enough and he’ll still be fussy afterwards.
Maybe he’s just a crotchety ahole with a poor attitude that he doesn’t care to keep in check, and not “hangry.”
I am the one who gets hangry, but not to this extreme. Certain things are triggers for my hanger, while others I can just ignore. When my partner hits a trigger, I will react and then after a moment apologize as I am over reacting.
How I determine if it is a hangry reaction or something else is to stop and think about if I would like it if someone else reacted that way to me doing it. If the answer is no I apologize. If the answer is yes, I ask myself if this is the way I would react to my Fave family member (my grandma) which is 99% of the time a no. If no, apologize. If yes still, I ask myself if it is something my therapist would say is healthy… which basically all my coping skills she says are unhealthy unless it is Journaling or meditation.
Ways my partner deals with my hanger is to just stare at me till I realize I am being cranky, to tell me I am acting like a cat (cranky hangry kitty), or to just reassure methat “I won’t eat all the food, I love you too much for that” or , if it is cold I will heat it up, or the most common one “we really do fight over the most off the wall things, don’t we.
is he a toddler? are you responsible for making sure he’s fed?
Oh honey……….YOU COULDN’T PAY ME ANY $$$$$$$$ TO PUT UP WITH THAT BEHAVIOR.
I’m sorry, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he pushed many people away with that attitude. Or girls that broke up with him.
If he’s complaining at the fact that “YOU MIGHT EAT ALL THE MAC AND CHEESE”.
Buy him a weeks worth of Mac and cheese and BREAK UP. Your guy isn’t a catch, he’s just THE GUY YOU THAT MAKES YOU QUESTION WHY THE F-K ARE YOU WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS TIME ON HIM.
You are young. THERE ARE PLENTY OF BETTER GUYS OUT THERE.
Honestly I would tell him that he needs to not be crappy with you and you won’t tolerate it anymore. You shouldn’t have to do anything for him to not be hungry. He can order all the food he wants whenever he wants for himself. Tell him you refuse to buy anything the two of you would share because he just treats you like shit over sharing. That’s terrible that he treats you that way. Being hungry is not an excuse to be angry. I get irritated when I get hungry too; but I don’t let it ever get to the point that I would take hunger I could have prevented out on someone else
I mean my 8 month old acts like this. But he’s 8 months old.
This isn’t him being hangry….that feeling is when people are irritable because they’re hungry. This is just him being obsessive about food to a wildly unhealthy and immature degree. This isn’t your problem to manage, it’s his.
It can definitely affect mood to varying degrees in different people, and some will be much more extreme than others. But, none of that should be a crutch or excuse – especially when he is doing very little to help keep it at bay.
You can simply mention the inappropriate behavior and ask him to take steps to stop /avoid it… and support him when he is having a rough time. But, you shouldn’t have to take care of the condition for him or receive bad treatment from him.
It is very likely that he has an extreme case (something more official regarding blood sugar than a case of being “hangry”) that needs to monitored with manual blood testing or a built-in monitor and/or medicine and/or change in diet…. in addition to receiving coaching on how to manage this. It is also possible he could have an accompanying mood/emotional disorder which needs to be addressed. He is at a critical age where some of them begin growing or majorly affecting life. I would recommend you make it plain and clear to your boyfriend (during a calm time) that this is an issue that is making you question the future of your relationship, insist upon a check-up, and ask to be present to briefly explain any extreme or out-of-the-ordinary reactions you are seeing… and then you can excuse yourself to the waiting room while he has the rest of his appointment.
Why is this your problem to solve? He’s an adult, snacks aren’t hard to figure out.
I don’t know if I have ever heard the term “fussy” used about anyone other than a baby.
This doesn’t sound like it’s really related to how hungry he is….he’s just awful and rude about food. Ungrateful, immature, etc.
Is he a literal child? Why can he not understand and regulate his own food intake without behaving this way?
I truly would not tolerate my adult partner throwing tantrums like a spoiled child. How long have you been dating? Is this truly the only area he acts like this in in your relationship?
He sounds exhausting.
As others have pointed out, this isn’t hanger. Did he possibly grow up poor. If so he MIGHT have food insecurity or gets anxious about having food. Are the snacks not “real food “ too him? Have you talked to him about it?
Before I got my type 2 diagnosis, hangry was an issue for me. I could be super mean and unkind while trying to convey how badly I was spiraling and how close I was to passing out. At no point during that process would I have EVER declined food.
I personally think his hangry is bullshit. A lot of your examples are issues that HE should be dealing with, not you. He needs to bring his own snacks. He needs to track his meals and make sure he’s eating at regular intervals. If I’m wrong and this is a real thing then he STILL needs to take personal responsibility for this. Oh, and definitely talk to a doctor about this.
So….I know two very distinctly “hangry” individuals in my life. The behaviour you describe is so similar that it’s jarring.
Please take what I say with a grain of salt, because this absolutely may not be the case for everyone!!
One of them is diabetic, and his blood sugar crashes impacting his mood regularly. And the other was diagnosed recently with a hyperactive thyroid, which speeds up the metabolism and causes mood swings.
Point is, when neither has the medical issue creeping up on them (ie. Blood sugars properly in check, or thyroid managed by pills), both only get as hangry as everyone else around them. Hell, add me to the list, cause I have been getting what my partner affectionately is calling “Prangry” because I’m getting super Hangry, but it’s new for this pregnancy I’m half way through.
Food for thought. Not necessarily the case, of course, but the only three people in my life (including myself recently) who turn into true blue proper assholes when hungry, all have a medical issue going on behind it.
I’m not saying this could fix anything, but I guess I’m wondering if this is the only weird thing in his behaviour, or if they may be something exacerbating this.
I’m the hangry partner and need snacks regularly..I don’t this his behavior is normal or has anything to do with hanger. I think he’s just a brat. 😂
Sounds like food insecurity to me, combined with a bit of immaturity. Did he grow up poor? His behavior is not something I’d tolerate, regardless.
Have him see a doctor about possible hypoglycemia.
When I go to a restaurant with my husband, we spend time on our phones and barely even talk until the food gets served. I’ve learned it’s safer to talk to him after he’s eaten. 🙂
This literally sounds like a child, not a grown man. Why are you tolerating this at all? Being “hangry” isn’t an excuse for shitty behavior…
This relationship with food seems questionable.
the bringing snacks solution is only a solution for snacks HE brings that is not for you to do. a sweet gesture, but if the issue is pickiness, it won’t help him.
listen I’m picky. I got diagnosed with an eating disorder earlier this year. I’m supposed to eat 6 times a day and it’s fucking miserable, and somehow if i miss any feeding in the meal plan i get REALLY irritable.
my support system is a godsend but it’s not their responsibility. if i only ate to maintain what i know is good for me only when the people who loved me reminded me to, those relationships would get strained so fucking fast, because I’m an adult, not a child. i’m responsible for my own wellbeing.
idk what the fuck is going on with your bf and food – the thing with the macaroni definitely set off alarm bells for me to suspect it’s not a healthy relationship – but you cannot fix him, or help him if he’s not doing anything to help himself. the solution is for HIM to be doing all this research! not you! and if he doesn’t care to, that means he doesn’t care how it’s impacting you.
i full body cringe whenever one of my healthcare team suggests i depend on my partner for my meal plan in any way. i’m happy to ask for *help* but i don’t want to make it their responsibility bc i don’t want to be complacent in whether i’m in a good mood or not, if i’m healthy or not.
this guy seems complacent to you taking care of him. as far as solutions go, it really depends on how much of that you want to put up with.
Your partner is a complainer.. ungrateful… trust me when I say that specific character trait will be evident in other aspects of your relationship.
Is he ok? Like does he have diabetes or something?
He sounds very emotionally immature, like he can’t handle his own frustrations without taking it out on you. Id bring it up to him, it’s not on you to fix him, he’s gotta work on himself.
there’s a difference between getting hangry and being an actual child. adults should know how not to be an asshole to their partner every time they see them over something so minor, whether that means learning to control their reactions or learning to remove themselves from the situation that triggers it. if the food you bring never meets his standards then he should be getting his own food. he shouldn’t be shaming you for your food behaviors at all but /especially/ not entirely imagined ones like the mac and cheese thing, it’s not fair for him to hold you accountable for something he made up
My boyfriend often gets hangry but he hardly ever lashes out on me and never about the food itself. He’s just generally annoyed then. He never says I can’t eat more of something either. Always willing to share, always happy to get more if either of us is not content… There’s something behind it but it’s definitely not hangriness, I was growing up with a restrictive household (I’d call my mum an almond mum but I really don’t want to speak badly of her) and had an ED, so then I often am scared that there won’t be enough for me to get “enough”. But that you can work on. As long as you don’t throw tantrums on your partner that is…
I’m hangry lol. But I’m also an adult and know not to throw tantrums over it or be in a bad mood when it’s not anyone else’s fault. My partner knows me well enough and can tell when I need something to eat even when I’m hiding the hangry haha. It’s never been an issue. Your bf needs to learn to act like a grown up.
My ex was exactly like this, and it was enough of a problem that it was a significant factor in why I left him. We were together for 7 years, so I felt a ton of guilt leaving over something so “small”, and it may seem so to you now, but it is one of those things that builds up until you want to throttle your partner before every meal. My ex and i met for lunch twice after we broke up (wasn’t a “bad” breakup so we were still cordial) and he was his usual hangry self again the second time we met. The restaurant we were meeting at wasn’t open for another 10 minutes, and he flipped out yelling and stomping and yanking on the door saying he needed food NOW. After not dealing with it for a year, then having it in my face once again, it cemented in my mind I made the correct decision leaving him. Being that hangry wasn’t just annoying, which is what I thought while we were dating, it was fucking disgusting! I mean come on; that’s toddler behavior not that of a fully grown adult. I would say tell him his behavior while hangry is unacceptable to you, and you find it a complete turn off. Tell him how guilty and awful he makes you feel every time he does it. If he does not actively show effort to change after that conversation, then it is a habit that will never alter and you need to leave for your own mental health. Side note – if he also breathes through his mouth while chewing you may very well be dating my ex!! 😂
As someone with allergies which has made me a fussy eater. I don’t put it on my partner, I deal with it. We also are polar opposites where I get hungry and he does not so I have to tell him that i need to eat. It works but I do it in a way that doesn’t make him feel horrible especially while I’m trying to decide what’s nearby that’s safe (Maccas is the go to as it’s the safest option)
If he wants to be a princess and make you feel bad, it’s a him problem that needs an ultimatum or just dump him.
He should pack his own snacks. Get food for himself if he’s that fussy. You can still be supportive but compromises need to be made to make you comfortable and prohibit resentment towards him.
The cold on the chinese is wild bc microwave??? Stove? Either he’s just finding things to have a problem about or he is that emotionally disregulated that like … do u wanna deal w that 😭
He sounds immature and uses it as a excuse to pick on you. He might need counseling…
You just gotta be honest with him.
“Babe, I need you to get your shit together and learn how to control your temper. You keep getting angry for very minor things and while you do apologize, I don’t appreciate the lack of self control to begin with. I need you to take this seriously because it’s making me enjoy our time together less.”
If he doesn’t knock it off, tell him you’re done. He’s a grown man. This is not a problem you need to solve.
I’ll be damned if somebody is gonna keep me from my Mac and cheese!
He doesn’t sound *hangry*, he sounds like a **picky AH**.
I get hangry & am hypoglycaemic… there are no snacks that aren’t good enough in those moments. As others have said, it sounds like it’s a him problem, aka maybe he’s just an asshole.
Yeah I can be grumpy af & rude but because I’m aware of that I always bring snacks or eat snacks while waiting for food to get there or cooking. And I know to just say don’t talk to me for 5 minutes while I eat a granola bar. He’s a big boy, he should be able to figure this out himself. DTMFA
Emotionally immature, disregulated, toddler in an adult body behavior. Reminds me of my ex, he wouldn’t get hangry, it was more of constant complaining, whining, road rage, being a sore loser, but he would frequently have tantrums and act out and affect me in really negative ways, I tried talking to him about it but he justified his behavior. All these things and more added up to me deciding I couldn’t be with him anymore.
I am now with a man who is none of those things but is very patient and respectful and mature and it is so nice.
So I have BPD and before I started going to therapy I used to be like this. Like I would freak out about the dumbest shit, and primarily it would be at my boyfriend. I’m in no way attempting to diagnose your partner but whether he has BPD or not, it sounds like therapy would be quite helpful for him (and perhaps a period of being single as well if you don’t want to continue feeling like crap around your boyfriend all the time). He will have to want to get better, but that doesn’t mean he should get to treat you like garbage in the meantime. You don’t have to put up with this.
So. Why are you dating someone who makes you anxious on a daily basis when he makes no effort to change?
You do realize he’s fully behaving like a toddler and you’re coddling to him like a doting mother rather than you both encouraging him to act like an adult, right?
You literally bring snack bags and are describing him as “fussy” when he doesn’t get what he wants. I ACTUALLY CANT WITH THIS.
Yes, we all get hangry… but he should know his feeding schedule and his cues and how to mitigate getting hangry. And he CERTAINLY shouldn’t be lashing out at you when and if he does get hangry.
Dump the baby. He’s too old for this shit and, I get it – we’re raised in a patriarchal society and women are taught to be caretakers and men expect to be catered to and you are young and don’t fully get how infuriating this is, but you don’t have to deal with this or whatever nonsense I AM SURE is also present if he’s twenty fucking five and still hasn’t figured out his feeding schedule and expecting you to manage it. YOU ARE NOT HIS MOTHER AND HE IS NOT THREE.
Find another one or be single. This one sucks.