I have noticed that I am way to nice to people. I say sorry when I don’t need to. I explain myself to other people when I don’t need to. I allow people to disrespect me. People walk all over me and make nasty, horrible comments to me. I don’t stand up for myself all the time like I should. Also, I’m a people pleaser. I worry about being liked by others. I feel like I don’t truly express who I am around other people and sometimes go along with them even if I don’t agree. I know I am way to nice to people and I allow so much disrespect to happen to me. I feel like I need to become more mean.
25 comments
think of the reason, if you know why you act like that youll know how to fight it
Assume people are going to be rotten to you and decide on responses to what you think they will say to you in advance. Care more about yourself than people who are rotten to the core. If someone consistently disrespects you don’t even give them the opportunity to talk to you. Tell them you don’t care what they have to say and to talk to someone else. You don’t have to be mean to not put up with people’s shit.
It happens in the moment. You can’t change the past. You either ask: “What would make you say that?” Or whatever challenge to the abuse that spotlights the inhumanity of the offender… It you don’t. Stands up for yourself–in the moment. Or you let it slide and so invite more of the abuse. Equality has always been fight for before it became a way of life. Face the great and stand up for yourself in the moment. Whatever the cost and however many times it takes to build your confidence, the result is eventually no longer being the punching bag. It’s worth it.
Seems like you already know the problem and knowing is half the battle. When another people pleasing situation is about to happen pause and think about you want to do and do the opposite. Its scary and it doesn’t have to be all at once but try it here and there until its just natural.
Treat your time like it is money on fire. Make conversations as short as possible and tell people your busy if they “need a favor”. When keeping your conversation short make them short even if you think it is too short because people will ask you for more information if they need it and will move along if they have enough.
I have more advice, but I am going to bed because I’m tired.
Typically these behaviors emerge in adults with unresolved trauma from their childhood. I’m making some guesses, but you probably developed this as a coping mechanism when you were young to survive situations you couldn’t escape from.
The short answer is that stopping isn’t exactly the answer. Your growth is to identify bad situations for yourself and get out. In the right environment the traits you have can make you a caring friend and supportive partner. You just have to get better at learning what the right environments are and get out of the wrong ones ASAP. If people treat you that way, then don’t be around those people.
As the saying goes, before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure you aren’t surrounded by assholes.
Walk around like you own the place (the place being Earth).
Edit: and if a bitch get an attitude, pop it like it’s hot.
Kill them with kindness 😁
^this
I’d also like to add to look up information on no-dependency. I was exactly like you until I did research, figured out the what’s and whys and then made changes in my life to not be that way anymore. Then using psychedelics for mental health, in a professional faculty, helped me stop all my old narratives, negative talk and allowed me to be my true authentic self. Got me much closer to self-actualization
Nice isn’t bad, but learning and creating boundaries is important. Boundaries are what protect you from being a people pleaser.
You can nicely say no. No isn’t mean.
Think back to the last interaction where you feel taken advantage of, and practice what you wish you had said.
Quick fix: Next time somebody says something crack them in the face
Is violence the answer I don’t know I wish you well
Change your mindset. You can be anyone who you want to be. Start now. The next person you run into, think about what you just said.
You need to be a friend to yourself. You wouldn’t want a friend to be treated badly or to feel badly about themselves, right? Like yourself enough to feel that way about you and once your confidence grows, you will find a graceful and reasonable way to deal with this in the future.
I’m like this. I say I agree with people when I really don’t because I need approval to feel like I matter. Some people have said some horrible things and I acted like I agreed because I’m non confrontational and wanted a friend. I hate that about myself because that’s not who I want to be and it’s damaging to my self esteem so much. I don’t know how to stop doing it either. I even do it over tiny things that don’t matter.
I used to be rather spineless and passive until some life events altered my outlook and feelings and blah blah blah. But I noticed I started doing some things I never did before that were shockingly easy and help reinforce some assertiveness I needed. A bunch of it likely stemmed from some pessimism that developed along the way, but one of the first things I recognized I started doing was ignoring petitioners. People ignore them all the time, they’re used to it. I would Put yourself in the situation where they step in front of you, hold out they’re hand with a cheesy smile and……just look away and walk around them. They won’t remember you, even if you meet them 20 mins later in a social setting. The relief you feel for dodging that is addicting. Same goes for telemarketers. Or retail sales. Just get into telling those people ‘no’.
That’s the best I can give to get you started. Boundary setting is a real issue in self growth and many therapists specialize in assisting patients(clients) in navigating how do deal with it and I would definitely suggest you seek one out and best of luck.
Thank you for asking this because I also need these answers
Please watch this video: https://youtu.be/g7RAPS8mE94
It really made me think about what really is to be nice and to be kind, and how these are two different things.
What helped me out was a friend explaining the value system that everyone places a value from one to ten in all areas of their life. Some who love work place a 9 or a 10 while others who don’t may place a 2, same applies to family, alone time, partners, hobbies etc. People will only be loyal to their values and rightly so, and rightly so you do the same.
Remember, nice guys finish first; leaving her unsatisfied.
Constantly ask yourself “How does this benefit me now or in the future?”
Stop being too nice and stop being a people pleaser.
Great question bro and I’ll try to give you a simple answer. First, don’t say sorry for jack shit, especially if you aren’t sorry. I’ve heard people sneeze in public and then say sorry out loud. wtf? It’s not about looks either, you don’t need to be a tough looking guy, but change your internals. Be kind to people, but don’t be overtly NICE to people. Kiss superiors ass all day long at work though. But if they aren’t your boss, f’ em. Say please, say thanks. But let them know you’re not a doormat. It just takes practice. Just start trying it on people when you’re out and about.
It’s not a matter of being mean or being nice really. You act this way because you are concerned about the repercussions of your actions. I hate to pry but obviously when you were a child your parents probably told you to always be polite, always say please, thank you, all of these kinds of things, in spite of yourself. On top of that you never felt like your needs were met, this is the kind of deep thing that most people find hard to reconcile with. It just means that you believe that other people’s needs hang above yours, which is why you let people “walk all over you”, people should feel good in spite of how you feel.
Also, that other people’s mood is your responsibility (if I’m reading you correctly). So if someone else feels bad, you should try to fix it. Well let me tell you this for a fact that how other people feel is not something you can control. You’ll often see that when you say sorry a lot, people become annoyed even though that’s not your intention. It’s just one example of the fact that you cannot control how other people feel.
But let me be frank about how to change. You have the habit now of saying sorry when you think you are going to anger people, or you keep your mouth shut because you’re afraid other people might get offended. What you should do is when you’re about to say “sorry”, just wait. Wait and see how it turns out. It will be hard, you will probably get hella anxiety but this is the only way to break the habit. Start with this, then the next step will probably be learning to speak your mind and just responding to what comes next, not anticipating a negative reaction.
Hope this helps and that you get a chance to read it.
Stop saying sorry all the time unless you actually did something wrong. Seriously. Dont say sorry anymore. It just validates the belief that you’re the problem and you must fix it.
Write down a list of boundaries. Things you’re willing and not willing to accept from people. Behaviors, tones, whatever. Read it before bed and read it when you wake up.
Start saying no. And dont apologize for it. Your needs and wants are just as important as anyone else’s and it’s okay to decline an invite or tell you boss you dont want to pick up those extra hours if you dont have to.
I’d just start with that and really try to monitor and catch when you are overextending yourself or apologizing for something you shouldn’t have be. You got this
Fuck people. Never say sorry. Always say no. Cut to the front of the line. Spit on the ground right in front of someone.
If somebody talks shit, follow them home, kill their dog, and light their car on fire.