I can’t get encouragement from my bf of two years.

11 comments

1. What is so wonderful about this guy that you’re tolerating his behavior?

   And why is it on you to fix this and not on him to stop being a shitass?

2. After two years of the same behavior from you, I would have run out of optimism too. Constantly sad people are tiring. It sounds like he realized you aren’t going to be the ideal version of yourself that he wanted, and he’s not happy about that. Rather than break up with you and go back to being single, he’s apparently just going to stay with you because who knows why. Fear of being alone maybe. But he isn’t continuing the behavior you liked, because it didn’t produce the results he was hoping for. I didn’t read anything you like about him, other than the emotional support you used to receive. I didn’t read anything he might like about you, other than making him not single. Maybe this relationship has just run its course

3. It sounds like you have tried to talk to your boyfriend and he isn’t listening/gets defensive. Knowing he will not change, there are some questions you have to ask yourself. What are you getting from the relationship and is it worth being sad and tired? Can you move forward with life knowing that your boyfriend will not emotionally support you? Are you okay knowing that you can’t turn to him with good news or bad news and that you are basically on your own? Can you continue like this for another year? 5 years? 10?

4. How was your day? The new apartment all good, or have you come across anything you’d want to change?

5. Nope. You’re done. He’s checked out.

6. Unfortunately, I think you are going to need to look for support and encouragement elsewhere. This guy is not on your team right now.

   Just because he saved you when you were down doesn’t mean you have to put up with abuse and him undermining your confidence now.

   Let him know you don’t need his fatalism and negativity dragging you down now that you are in a good place.

   Then ask him what’s going on in his life that has got him so negative and unhappy and what you can do to support. If he doesn’t have a good answer then your relationship may have run it’s course.

7. Sounds like you guys have spread apart instead of come together. Might be time to evaluate what you get out of this relationship? Doesn’t sound like you’re getting anything… No romance, no dates, no encouragement, no understanding, no caring.

   Why are you still together?

8. I’m sorry, I’ve been there; it honestly feels like you’ve been scammed. But it really boils down to he can’t give you what you need–which in your case is emotional connection. There are plenty of men out there willing to offer that to you.

   Remember, this has nothing to do with you or your “worth,” don’t take this as an invitation to try harder and get him to change. His emotional maturity (or lack of it) reflects the shallow and unhealthy relationship he has with his own emotions.

   And I would say that there are some signs of abuse…namely, he tried to win you over when you were at a low place in life. Also, he treated you very well at the start and then did a 180. While it’s normal for effort to drop a bit after the honeymoon, a total 180 in behaviour can be a red flag.

   This could signal the start of a “cycle of abuse.” In other words, treating you very well, then withdrawing and treating you badly, then when you threaten to leave, treating you very well again. When you try and leave you will be able to see very clearly what is happening. If he tries to act sweet and say all the right things to get you to stay, please don’t fall for it.

9. What kind of miracle person is out there that can encourage someone who is always being a downer? I was dating a girl who puts herself down and I was able to encourage her for about 2 weeks before she had me wanting to pull my hair out. You have no idea how annoying it is to deal with somebody who constantly exudes negative energy. It’s not his job to encourage you or affirm you 24/7. You essentially used this guys time for affirmation while spilling your negative and sad emotions onto him. Most guys would bounce and sadly he didn’t and after all the bullshit you’ve put him through, he’s become a lot more cynical which is very understandable. You’ve approached this from the angle of “I haven’t asked him for anything” but what do you provide of value to your boyfriend? What do you do to make him feel loved? Do you actually think he feels loved by what you’re doing or are you just doing what you think he’d like?

   In my experience, encouragement/affirmation is a lot easier to give when you’re happy with your partner and they make you feel loved. When you’re just being a constant Debbie downer and always adding stress and misery, then of course nobody would want to talk to you. You need therapy, not a boyfriend.

10. I am generally a downer and a morose person, this has never changed, I got alot of childhood scars and alot of sadness within me that cannot be resolved with time, and usually I am quite upfront about this with men I date, don’t try to fix this part of me, there is no solution to my sadness unless you can erase my memories of my past.

    But I never met a guy who was supportive and encouraging at first and then turn nasty like that.

    Either they were like this always, brash and insensitive with words from the start or they remain kind and supportive.

    It could be your boyfriend was putting up a front when he wanted to win you over but this “realistic” side of things is the real him.

    Do you like someone who is all about “realistic”.

    I personally don’t.

    I like men who are capable of being kind. You should re-evaluate if he is worth being with.

11. I think you might be dealing with a narcissist.
    They love bomb you in the beginning and then start devaluing you.
    Please check out this subreddit and see if you can relate r/narcissisticabuse