My wife’s sister is marrying a racist and still wants my wife in her wedding after disowning my wife when she said that she shouldn’t marry a racist. I am black my wife is white. My wife thinks attending shows a better heart and maybe they will have a change of heart after showing them even more grace. She also thinks that since it’s her sister she should be in the wedding even after her family disrespected me for something I cannot control. My wife is the least confrontational person in the world and has always been the goodie two shoes. She did say they were wrong and she doesn’t condone that, but disregards my feelings or simply thinks it’s easier for me to waive my feelings in this matter. She and her sister have been close always but that’s because my wife lets her run over her about everything and her sister only cares about her needs. They admitted that the groom being a racist is wrong but not their concern. We are believers in Christ and I think it’s just wrong to want me to be around that environment. The family told me well “You married into a white family” and if I didn’t say anything there would not be an issue.
23 comments
Well, the unfortunate reality is marrying into a white family does often mean there will be some, or sometimes many, racists in the family. But that doesn’t mean you need to just suck it up. I think your wife is probably going to do whatever she does but you can still decide on your own whether you will be a part of it or not.
I would probably go low contact with her entire family. No need to put your mental health at risk for racists individuals or those who defend a racist.
Your wife should be prioritizing your feelings about this so I’m sorry she’s not! This is a failure on her part and she’s probably doing it because, as you said, it’s easier for her to brush off your feelings as she may feel conditioned to care more about the consequences of not following her family. This is something she will need to work on. I would recommend reading the book Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend) for her, and maybe Boundaries in Marriage for you. It’s not your responsibility to put your mental health at risk to be around bad people, so go no contact with all of them if you need to.
Sounds like she picked which side she is on.
For me, that would severely damage the relationship. I don’t know that it would survive. I don’t know if I could trust my wife if she ignores/downplays racism like that.
There is no way you should go to the wedding for sure. Your wife should not go either, but I am not sure what you should do if she goes. Can you talk to your minister about it?
I’d tell my wife i love her but she needs get some counseling and learn to set boundaries with her family. Shes picking her sister over me and its not acceptable in my eyes.
I dealt with homophobic toxic family so I get it. Its very hard. But Id be clear in my communication how I feel. You are chosing this person over me. Its harming me and our relationship because you can’t manage your relationship with them. There are consequences for our marriage because you dont establish boundaries.
I know how it is to be the goody two shoes (my husband calls me Suzy Cream cheese) and I have a bunch of sisters. I will always put him first though. Maybe if you explain it to her that when you got married you understood that you would always have each other’s backs?
OP
You need to think long and hard about what you see in your future, and your wife does too.
If you have kids with her, is she going to be able to defend them ?
Will her family defend them?
Will she allow them to be disrespected because of the colour of their skin?
I have 2 kids, both are mixed, my oldest looks just like me, white blonde hair blue eyes like me, my son is darker, light brown skin brown eyes dark hair like his dad. If ANYONE, no matter who they are, start making any kind of comments, whether slyly or blatantly, they would be cut off, slapped down, and shut up.
Can your wife do that even just to cut them off or defend them, because that is what your kids will need if placed around racist toxic people.
Her family doesn’t care that future bil is racist? Is her family the same way of thinking?
If your wife can’t even say no to her sisters wedding and she is defending herself going to it plus downplaying racism against you-her husband – I don’t think she will be able to defend your future kids.
This conversation needs to be had between you and your wife.
GL OP
I think there are deeper issues here. “has always been the goodie two shoes”. “Disregards my feelings”. “Lets her run over her about everything”.
The problem isn’t just a racial issue. Your wife doesn’t respect you and by the comments you made about your wife, you don’t respect her either and have deep resentment now.
And exactly how does “Christ” get dragged into a racial conflict?🤷♀️
My brother you have a few options.
1. Let it slide and be there for your wife. Knowing her personality I’m thinking because you have been so kind hearted it is easier to disappoint you versus her immediate family.
2. Let her go solo and create boundaries for you as an individual. I think passively this may get her mind right in terms of defending your marriage but most importantly the man she has been with since 10th grade.
3. Go nuclear and demand that she create boundaries for your union. She doesn’t have to go no contact with her family but low contact would have to be the way to move going forward. Her family has to know that you two feel a type of way in terms of how they treat you as a man.
I respect any way you move in terms of this. It’s hard and I am already knowing. Your wife should be your peace, especially with what you have to put up with in society and right now she is choosing her families peace over yours.
Lastly just adjust, take note of what sacrifices you have made and change the dynamic of the relationship moving forward with your in-laws and possibly your wife. If you a hurt, communicate that and if you have to distance yourself from her and the relationship then so be it. If she has an issue with that then sadly she might not be the person for you.
That last sentence? Holy shit! You’re just supposed to accept and be ok if they say some racist shot around you?! And your wife is cool with this?!?! My brother, are you ok?!?!?! If you don’t get your ass up outta the sunken place!
Marrying into a white family may mean that there could be *some* unchecked racism, I guess… but not like full blown Jim Crow hill billy vibes. The fuck?
I would tell my partner that, as a Christian, they should be prioritizing me before their family. Especially a bigoted family. The Bible instructs us to not associate with immoral people who claim to be Christian. Burning bridges is much harder when it’s family, I understand because I’ve had to do it.
But right now, I would tell partner that they could attend on their own if they must. I would be staying home.
>My wife is the least confrontational person in the world and has always been the goodie two shoes.
I understand her desire to keep things peaceful, but her staying silent on this (no matter how much she’s against it) is telling them its ok. She needs to speak up for you, herself and your values. What would happen if you all had children together? How would they treat them? It’s her family, so it’s her responsibility to speak up.
People who are openly racist need to be met with the same vitriol, imo. It is not acceptable behavior, ever.
Man i wouldnt do it, as a brown guy. My wife is black, but if I had married a white lady and she wanted to attend the wedding, I wouldn’t be married for long. I don’t tolerate that shit, for my kid’s sake if not mine.
Marrying into a white family or any race family doesn’t mean you have to put up with racism. My husband dumped his friends and family once we got together they are racist af. It’s not something I asked him to do it is something he has chosen to do to protect me from that behavior. Racism is not something that is normal or should be tolerated in an interracial relationship and if your spouse can’t step up for you, what the heck is she gonna do when you have kids? She’s gonna let them disrespect her kids too? I’m very non confrontational but my husband is Arab and in fact have had to put multiple people in their place over the racism. Lost friends, me and my mom don’t get along but no one is racist towards my husband just like no one racist towards his wife. If I were you I’d put boundaries in place explain why her position is terrible and ask her what she expects to do if you have kids and if she doesn’t have a good answer as sucky as it is, I’d move on. Loads of other women who would stand up for you out there regardless of their race.
Your spouse is failing the loyalty test. Marriage vows, particularly Christian ones, make it clear that the relationship comes first (after God). It shows honor and respect for you spouse. If she’s a believer of Christ, remind her of Ephesians 5:22-25.
Your wife is trash and so is her family. She chose the sister who disowned her over you. If you attend you’re co-signing their behavior and giving them permission to continue to treat you badly.
I’m a WW and if anyone was racist about my partner (IM) it wouldn’t matter who they were or what the event was I would not go. He’s my partner if they disrespect him, they disrespect both of us and it is not an ok or forgiveable thing to do. I’m sorry but your wife should stand by you. It sounds like a very stressful situation to be in but your feelings should be taken into account and they are not
I am white. If I had a sister who was marrying a racist then I would not attend her wedding no matter what color my husband is.
I think that you need to show YOUR WIFE some CONSEQUENCES of her behavior BEFORE the wedding.
Tell her that you are shocked that she would support racist behavior to make it easier for HER while knowing she is actively hurting you.
I think you should go stay somewhere else for a week.
You cannot have children with a woman who will not go to bat for them.
You should realize that this is her test!
SHE IS NOT MAKING HER FAMILY LOOK ‘APART’. HER SISTER MARRYING A RACIST IS DOING THAT.
Her familynlooks apart BECAUSE IT IS ALREADY APART. Why help smooth over evil behavior???
Just because a racist got her pregnant is not a reason to marry him.
The pregnant woman could require counseling and cultural learning for him before getting married.
I’m sorry, but you need to tell her that you are seriously considering divorce if she attends because their is a HIGH likelihood your children will be dark.
What if one child is black and another white? One of your kids will be treated horribly and the other is their beloved grandkid.
This problem is much bigger than just this wedding.
This is only the first step.
After she goes to the wedding she will be expected to play nice at all the family events…… without you?
I’m sorry but What The Actual Fuck.
I’m sorry.
I do what I think is for the best and let other people do what they want to. I don’t expect other people to not attend events because there’s some one I don’t like there, but I also have no problems not at tending myself.
Hmm, well, it’s very easy for one to speak the way your wife’s family have spoken when the racist shoe isn’t on their foot.
Marrying into a Caucasian family does not justify one’s lack of ability not to acknowledge disrespect, ignorance, and a very uncomfortable situation.
Don’t go to the wedding!
You will be uncomfortable.
Her family will not care! They have proven that to you.
Advise your wife that you both are one now. You all definitely need to come together as husband and wife and be more than willing to distance yourselves from family, friends, or strangers ignorant BS. Just like her family made the foolish statement, “You married into a white family.” So basically deal with it… lol Well, their daughter married into a black family, and she needs to be more than ready to stand by your side no matter who it comes to!
Good luck, sweetheart!
Bro… Do you really want to have kids with this person in the future?
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