My ex husband upgraded from me and I hate that I was never enough
I married somewhat young (early 20s) to a man who wasn’t from my country. Did he use me for a green-card? That is something I will never know and something I won’t dig into.
We both met by surprise and hit it off nice. We would go on dates and he was super chill. Then, we did long distance for a few months and when he returned things we so different.
It wasn’t like my previous relationships where we’d always have sex or kiss at night. This man couldn’t bother to kiss me or touch me. Even when I was at my peak (working out and healthy).
On my 24th birthday I asked him if he loved me. He said love was built. We had been dating for over a year and he broke my heart on my birthday but I stayed. A few months later he said he loved me and gave me a ring. We split the tab at the restaurant.
We got married the summer before I turned 25. We didn’t have sex on our wedding night and I didn’t question it.
Whenever we argued he’d ignore me and raise his voice and wouldn’t speak to me until days later even if we were sharing the same bed. Later on I learned the term for that was “stonewalling”.
As time passed, there was always an excuse for sex. “I’m stressed.” “I am tired” “you don’t kiss passionately” or he’d just cry.
That pushed me away slowly. I would start fantasizing about random men and i would try to silence those fantasies because they were wrong.
On our anniversary night I paid for a nice hotel and we slept there and we did not have sex.
I bought lingerie and even dyed my hair blonde because I suspected he liked them like that. Nothing worked. In fact, I’d send him nudes while I was in the shower and he was in the bedroom. Heart emojis were his response.
Sometime after we had been married for two years, he finally got his greencard. I assumed our troubles would be over and that he’s be stress free, but things didn’t change. He was a good friend but not a good romantic partner. At least, that’s what it felt like. I can’t complain he always helped me when I needed him. He truly was a good friend and I miss that more than anything.
Sometime after he got the greencard I sort of gave up and I sinned. During COVID we had an argument where he said no one loved me and even my own friend leave me behind. That was something it was very vulnerable about because my family (except for my father) had abandoned me when my mom died so he knew I always had social anxiety from that.
My sin was that I left him and moved out of the home. I had sex with another man but in my mind I saw me trying to feel wanted and desired.
I didn’t knew that my own self esteem problems would lead me to my downfall. I tried to fix things while we were separated and I feel that he did too but we’d always argue or he’d neglect my sexual advances. I would send him emails telling me he liked blonde women and not me. He just didn’t try. He didn’t speak. I didn’t feel wanted.
Eventually the man I was having sex with and I fell for each other. I called my ex husband and asked him if he cared but he just stayed quiet.
Eventually he found a new woman too. I think she’s everything he ever dreamed of. She has blonde hair. She has green eyes. She is skinny. She is successful. She has a large group of friends. She seems with her life in order. They moved in together right away. They’ve traveled. In fact, she even helped him file for divorce. He already loves her.
After everything I did and tried I was never enough, clearly. I am at my lowest and I only ask myself when these problems could go away. I’ve gained 30 pounds. I have anxiety problems. I have panic attacks. I have isolated myself. I had a Miscarriage a week ago. I’m in debt. I’m not who I used to be.
Today, I showed my dad my exes new girlfriend. He said she is beautiful.
I know he upgraded and it hurts me to know that I was never enough and that in a couple of months this woman gave him all the butterflies he never felt with me.
I have a partner and he’s good to me. My self esteem is so impacted that I can’t be normal again and I just want to be happy but it feels impossible after being so low.
Thanks for reading
Tl;dr My ex husband upgraded from me and I hate that I was never enough
4 comments
Here’s the question, though. You go on and on about how you feel you were never enough, but why do you not point out the fact that HE was never enough?
You literally left this man (and should have) because he was an awful partner and didn’t deserve you. You upgraded to someone who is worth your time and energy.
It sounds to me like you got the best outcome out of this. I feel sorry for that other girl, sounds like she’s dating a huge jerk.
Uh no way did he upgrade. SHE downgraded. That woman needs to be warned. This man is obviously a con artist. Your self esteem is really low and you don’t see it. All you see is this woman is pretty because of your own self esteem and emotions and you can’t see what is happening here. I know you think you need this man but omg you do not. And she should def be warned although he will probably just tell her that you are crazy so don’t do it. Move on. You dodged a huge bullet. Go to therapy.
You need to work on finding value in yourself outside of a relationship with a man.
Time for therapy. Sounds like your bum dad taught you to put up with bum men out of terror that they’ll abandon you, and this is going to take a lot of work to move past.