I feel really bad about this but I can’t ignore it anymore. As much as I love my girlfriend, she just smells kinda bad. She’s otherwise perfect, I love her more than anything, but I have a really sensitive sense of smell and it’s been causing a lot of issues recently.
We’ve been together for 2 years and been living together for 6 months. We haven’t been having a lot of sex, partially for other reasons, but for me it’s mainly because her breath tends to smell bad and when we’re moaning and she’s breathing hard right in my face I practically have to hold my breath. It makes me cough sometimes, it just hits my nose in a specific way and I just can’t help it.
Her “downstairs” also gives a smell too, but not in the way you’d think. It’s not that it smells bad, it’s that she never wears underwear or pants around the house (which is fine) and when she’s sitting down she seems to unconsciously reach down and touch herself, not in a sexual way, more like there’s an uncomfortable feeling I guess and she’s trying to alleviate it, but then she brings the same fingers up and licks them and it’s when her wetness mixes with her saliva and dries on her fingers that it produces this strong, really unpleasant smell that I can smell almost all the time.
She also scratches her butt, which I really don’t mind in and of itself and I feel really bad for saying this, but her butt smells really bad, and then she doesn’t wash her hands and then *that* smell mixes with the smell that was already on her fingers and it’s so strong I can smell it just from sitting next to her. And it’s such a bad smell that we can’t have sex doggystyle because then it’s just completely overpowering, which sucks because it’s our favorite position, but now I really don’t want to do it.
I’ve tried bringing it up but she gets upset and says that I’m making her feel really self conscious and embarrassed and so I’ve sort of stopped bringing it up too much, but it’s still happening and it just makes me not want her hands near me or to hear her moaning because her fingers smell bad and her breath smells bad too.
How do I bring this up to her in a way that she’ll be most receptive to? I desperately need her to stop, or to just start washing her hands more frequently and brushing her teeth more and using mouthwash more but every time I bring it up she shuts down because she gets embarrassed and then just doesn’t want to do anything. I can’t bring it up right when we’re about to have sex, then she just shuts down and then we don’t have sex. I’m really at my wits end, I don’t know what to do.
Update: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT MAKE THIS POPULAR MY GIRLFRIEND USES REDDIT.
Anyways, I talked to her when she got home from work and it went about as well as you’d expect. She got extremely embarrassed and shut down. We had dinner afterwards and she went to hang out with her friends after. I’ll probably bring it up when she gets home later again, but I think she’s going to end up texting me that she’s staying at her friends for the night since she feels so embarrassed, so I’ll end up bringing it up in the morning.
I appreciate the constructive comments, the ones that are sympathetic to her, less so the ones that are just “your girlfriend is gross, leave her,” but I guess I can understand the sentiment. I’m really not being very charitable to her here though, she really is a wonderful girlfriend other than this one thing and when you really think about all that goes into a relationship you’ll realize that if this is the only big problem and it’s affecting me this much then things must otherwise be really really good, and they are.
So yeah, please be sympathetic to her, she’s traumatized and she’s used to always being the problem, she just feels comfortable enough with me to not immediately cry and apologize and beat herself up over it so that’s why she ends up shutting down and focusing on my actions instead of her own. It’s a work in progress. But she’s wonderful, really, she puts a lot of effort into the relationship.
This is just particularly difficult for me because I have such sensitive nose and I can’t focus on anything else when a smell hits me like that.
27 comments
Suggest this as a romantic thing, but say you guys should shower together and wash each other. My wife and I love the intimacy of soaping each other up. It could help a lot and no uncomfortable conversations
I’m sorry Op. but if you cant pussy foot around it and get her to do this on her own, then it may be related to mental health issues and therapy may be the way to go first. She may need help herself mentally.
At 20 years old she should know by now what personal hygiene is you are not her mother or her father to be telling her what to do you should sit down with her have a talk and if she doesn’t want to change you might want to think of your relationship with her cuz this is only the start of it who knows how it is going to get the longer you are together
You’re gonna have to be firm yet gentle. Approach this from a concern regarding her health and well-being, over morning coffee or some other nonsexual time you two are alone together.
Sandwich it between two compliments/love. You could be like, “Babe, I absolutely adore you, but I am very concerned for your health and well-being as you have been neglecting the hygiene of your coot coot and prune shoot…to the point that I smell you by just being in your vicinity. Your oral hygiene and your hand washing hygiene also seem neglected. I want you to know, its totally okay to not be okay, or maybe you don’t even notice, but I do and as uncomfortable as you feel, I’m uncomfortable sitting on the sidelines while the woman I love neglects her self care. This is also impacting me intimately and I’m scared it’s going to impact is romantically if I stay silent. How can I help or support you with this?”
Prepare for tears, shame, possible anger and even resentment, but don’t waver in your love or needs.
I’m going to be honest I don’t think this is going to change. From what you’re saying, sounds like she straight up just doesn’t wash herself.
Then you tried to bring it up and she said that you’re making her feel self-conscious??? If she’s walking around stinking because she doesn’t wash I’m sorry to say but she should be self-conscious. 🤷♂️
Not washing yourself is a blatant choice, with a very obvious consequence. This isn’t like making fun of her or being superficial about something she can’t control.
I’ve been working hard all day and I come home and stink, my wife looks at me and tells me that I stink, and then I get in the shower and fix it. I don’t take it personal or feel self-conscious. I count on my wife to tell me things like that…
She’s choosing not to wash and be smelly, and if she doesn’t care even after you brought it up that I don’t see how it would ever change.
Oof. I read some of your comments. There is no easy way to deal with this.
You need to sit her down and speak with her. Her hygiene is not good. She needs to improve it. Your relationship is suffering because of it. It’s not fair to either of you to ignore the issue or not speak about it in an adult manner. She needs to go to the dentist, it could be a cleaning will help. She needs to see a gynocologist, maybe she has the beginning of a yeast infection. We don’t know. Be firm but gentle as possible. She needs to do things. It’s putting your relationship with her in harm.
Hygiene was an issue in my marriage. We’re now divorced. I took it seriously, she didn’t. It may take an ultimatum. 😕
Nah I’m sorry but if you’ve already brought it up and she knows, there’s no sugar coating it. My ex would never brush his teeth, I would gently bring it up. But it got to a point I told him to brush his damn teeth before we got intimate.
I do get the mental health side of it, really I do, but let’s be honest here.
You have told her again and again how uncomfortable this makes you feel and she still hasn’t made any changes at all with regards to her hygiene.
I very much doubt she is going to change unfortunately and there comes a point where, in my opinion, you have to just say you know what,
enough is enough.
I’d leave.
Oh no I just, as a woman, felt so sick reading this
I’m sorry what?? She touches her vagina and then licks it ?! And then just hangs out with stale vagina hand touching everything?
And scratches her ass??! And then doesn’t wash it?! And then has stale vagina ass lick hand ?!?!??!!?!?!?
If her ass and vagina smell that bad, all the time, then there are A LOT of germs hanging out down there, just hanging out… all over your home. Nope..Big nope.
If this was a guy everyone would be like TELL HIM HE STINKS
Tell her in no uncertain terms. Your vagina and ass smell, I live with you, I know you don’t wash them, I know you don’t brush your teeth, and I can’t cope with it anymore. Either you change your hygiene habits and stop leaving ecoli and yeast all round the apartment or I’m done.
Wow. Just. Wow.
This can’t be real
I don’t understand how there are so many reddit posts about partners who stink! I can tell my fiance he has bad breath and he can say the same thing to me. Just go brush your teeth or shower. Maybe she has tonsil stones? Those cause bad breath.
She should feel self conscious. She fucking stinks
Tell her directly it’s been 1.5 years you guys should be comftorble enough to talk openly about it
Sounds like she needs a dental cleaning as well. She’s got some perio issues going on that will not resolve itself.
She knows she smells bad! That’s why she defensively throws that out when you mention bathing. The lack of washing is making her vag and butt itch- that’s why she’s always got her hands down there. And that’s contributing to her bad breath- stinky vag/butt fingers in her mouth. I think it’s time to stop manipulating and stop trying to hint to a grown woman that her lack of hygiene is repulsive. Stop sitting by her, stop kissing her, and stop having sex with her!!! When she asks you why, you have the perfect opening to tell her. I wouldn’t be cruel but kind, direct and firm. And I’d tell her I wouldn’t have physical intimacy until she cleans herself up. I sympathize with you because I dated a guy who had AWFUL breath. I’d gag sometimes when we kissed. I dated him less than a month.
If you’re having to tell her she smells like shit, it’s probably best to leave her. This is disgusting on every level, and the fact that you brought it up with her and she countered it with, making her self-aware, is even a worse response.
She’s sitting around your house without pants scratching her bare asshole and licking her fucking fingers?? WTF? Is she a monkey? Dear God.
Honestly, if she isn’t going to take care her self, even after talks, encouragement, and even straight up taking her into the shower, there is no easy way to breach the subject anymore.
Do I stink?
Yes. Yes you do.
It makes me self conscious when you say something.
It should. This is a habit you need to change.
You only want to shower with me because you think I’m dirty.
Yes. Because you are. You aren’t taking care of your self as you should.
Right now, it’s a point of contention between you two. She wouldn’t tolerate it of you, I guarantee that. Why is the expectation that you need to for her?
If she won’t get help, and won’t change her habits, you need to consider your own safety and well being.
So let’s see here. You say that her breath smells horrible that it makes you gag, her vagina has a strong odor, she sits around touching herself, including her butt which you said smells bad too, she doesn’t wash her fingers after touching herself which causes more bad smells and you don’t know what to do? I feel for you but I would give her an ultimatum. Take care of her hygiene or you walk. Why would you put up with that at all? You say you love her very much but yet you’re afraid of hurting her feelings more. Clearly she has an issue that needs to be addressed and if being gentle and loving doesn’t work then maybe you need to consider if you really want to be in the relationship at all.
Bro. You have to make her self conscious about this! That level of hygiene is DANGEROUS! Everyone should be self conscious about living like that. That’s how disease and shit spreads around. You gotta take her in the shower and show her how to properly wash. You gotta drill her to wash her hands and wear the appropriate attire. Loungewear will keep funk from accumulating where it shouldn’t.
Her parents fucking failed her. If you love her, you’ll fix what they didn’t. But do it with kindness, compassion, and patience. But you gotta fix it, if you’re going to be her man.
>I can’t bring it up right when we’re about to have sex, then she just shuts down and then we don’t have sex.
I am genuinely wondering how you’re still attracted to her and would want to have sex with her in the first place.
Thank god I’m anonymous on here, but this was me. I grew up with a single parent who was severely depressed. We were never told to brush our teeth, wash our hands, or how to wash ourselves properly. Once I got a boyfriend around 18/19 he was amazing and then he started to ask me weird questions about what I do in the shower, how often I brush my teeth etc.
Honestly, I just didn’t know. I knew other people did it, but I didn’t think about why or how. I know it sounds so stupid! Especially now that I’m older and I’m now OCD about making sure I’m clean and smell nice… my boyfriend was nice about it to start and then he started giving me tough love. It caused arguments for sure and I felt like he was treating me like a child, but that’s what it took for me to realise the problem. If you want to stay with her and help her, there’s really no easy way to do this I’m sorry.
For me it was embarrassing and a bit humiliating to have my boyfriend teach me how to do basic stuff that everyone already knew. But I’m glad he did! Unfortunately I’m not constantly paranoid that I smell, but I’d rather this than everyone knowing I smell and just not telling me.
I don’t know how the finger downstairs and back door situation, that’s new and I don’t want to judge … ahhh but I never did that… but I’d suggest maybe just telling her straight because the idea of anyone touching someone or something with their hands after touching … intimate areas… nope.
Some of the things my boyfriend would do is:
– Invite me to brush my teeth with him
– Buy me fun smelling body wash and loofas and shower with me, sometimes. Wash me and listen to music.. I knew what he was doing, but at least it didn’t feel like a lesson
– Bought me gum
– constantly checking I’ve washed my hands
At the end of the day, yeah it did strain our relationship a bit at the time, but I’m so glad for it to be honest. We didn’t break up over this, but it was hard.
This has got to be fake; the licking of the fingers? There’s no fucking way 😂
Wtf is this woman feral?
I’m a woman and this is really nasty! And not normal at all. I’m sure her friends/coworkers also smell this. It’s totally normal, that you bring this up. Why would you even want to have sex? Is she depressed or having a stressful time? If she doesn’t change, this is a very good reason to break up.
Good luck OP!
This person feels discomfort in her vagina. It smells. She touches that. Then licks that. Then scratches her ass. Creates a concoction of disgusting stank from all these sensitive parts of her body that she doesn’t even fkn wash. And her breath stanks too. Nothing about this girl’s hygiene is okay. In fact, it’s downright disgusting. I can’t. At this point you need to be straightforward with her seeing that she refuses to address or even acknowledge such an obvious issue.