Boyfriend too disciplined for his own good
I love how disciplined my boyfriend is. He works hard and I admire that about him. But the more I’ve gotten to know him, the more I think a percentage of his routines is to punish himself.
I found myself getting frustrated at him the other day. He said he doesn’t want to take a holiday this year at all because he feels he doesn’t deserve it. I challenged him on what his definition of “deserving” is. At first he said he wants to be at a certain level of success before he takes a break, then he said it was a monthly monetary goal he wanted to reach, then he said *I* would deserve a break because ny job is physical labour and quite intense (and yet I earn less than him, so it is about money or perceived hard-work?). He works part time, and has worked consistently for the same company for 3 years. Other than when we had covid last year for a week, he never takes a sick day or leave. He insists he doesn’t even get annual leave because of the nature of his work. He’s a teacher so maybe this is true because he gets half-terms and summer off (but still chooses to do 6 weeks of summer school teaching) so again, no actual time off.
He works out almost every day. Even when he is ill, or when he is tired. He makes himself do it. Some days he has been exhausted, and has to take a few breaks, and I can’t stand to see him struggling and panting but when I suggest he just give today a break and try again tomorrow, he won’t. He never lets up on himself, not for a day. I tell him that rest days are just as important for growing strength as the actual training, but since that doesn’t suit his idea of “I make myself work because I have to” he refutes it. I think he is less about what is best for the goal, and behaves this way in part for self-punishment.
Some nights we are so tired and just want to sleep, but he insists he needs to do the dishes. I tell him we can leave it until tomorrow because we live alone so we’re not bothering anyone. Nope. He MUST do them.
Today he was insisting that pleasure isn’t relevant to his routines. “I don’t workout for pleasure, you think I always have fun, of course not, but I do it anyway”. I reminded him that we as humans do things for pleasure: eat, have sex, exercise, cuddle and even if we don’t enjoy it every single time, generally there is a pleasure aspect to these activities. He seemed annoyed by that.
Idk what to do. I start to get resentful when he is rigid like that. I worry for his health (mental and physical), and just wish he would chill out sometimes and stop being do hard on himself.
5 comments
It’s possible that your boyfriend’s rigidity may come from a tendency to punish himself or feel that he doesn’t deserve breaks or leisure time. This type of behavior can also indicate low self-esteem or a need to prove oneself to others or oneself constantly. It may be helpful for him to explore these beliefs in therapy, but I know it may not be easy for him to reach that point
I think it’s important (and normal) to communicate your concerns to him, just make sure you approach this in a compassionate and non-judgmental way so you can try to get a good outcome out of this
It’s never going to be enough. He will not reach a level of satisfaction by working more or harder. He needs to address the root of why he does this and find healthy reasonable ways to navigate.
If he refuses, don’t hold yourself back. Go do your thing without him
This sounds like a classic version of ‘overachiever coming from a background of poverty/neglect/ being the first to graduate high school or attend college’ kind of complex. They dealt with parents who were addicts and/or often unemployed, with little to no motivation to improve their circumstances, and as a result, feel as though they can’t let off the gas for even a second. They consistently view “recharge time” as laziness or undeserved (for themselves mostly, but often others too– unless, like you, they work a very physically demanding job). They have trouble relaxing or convincing themselves that they *can and should* take a break now and again… and vacation is often out of the question. They don’t feel as if they deserve these things as much as others, but even more, they are afraid that if they stop, for even a moment, they will lose their drive and it won’t return. Then, they’d find themselves in the same boat as their parents were. This is obviously untrue, but the belief is **so** ingrained in them, that it takes therapy or years of working like a dog, and then being on their deathbed for them to see more clearly. Does any of this sound like it applies to him?
This is something that has come up for me in therapy, and my therapist asks me why relaxation is conditional. I always feel like I need to “earn” my downtime, but I’m trying to unlearn this because it’s not true. Rest is productive. For me I feel like I can’t afford to rest, and if I’m not working towards something then I internalize this and feel badly about myself. These are patterns that can likely be worked out with a good therapist.
He reminds me of my Virgo bf, but mine isn’t rigid to that extreme. He definitely is very hard on himself though, but I work through that stuff with him when I catch it bc i am an easygoing gemini who has been in therapy for years and studied psychology for a bit.
If his routines and inability to go easy on himself start to affect his physical or mental health then he will likely be open to change, but I feel like in order to get through to your bf you will have to show him the value in why doing things differently could be more beneficial to him.
I wonder what his upbringing was like?? Usually people like this had a very interesting childhood with borderline abusive hardass parents, terrified of disappointing them, or the complete opposite- his parents were so the opposite and he is terrified to become them.
Sometimes too we get an idea in oour minds about something and just accept it as factual without actually researching or challenging that fact. Like working out. Rest days ARE very important. Over extending yourself is actually not helpful for your body when it comes to exercise. You can debilitate yourself by not giving your muscles time to heal after excessive exercise. There’s a reason you are supposed to exercise a certain amount of days, then take a day off.
And the whole I don’t deserve to take time off??? That in itself is weird lol. Has he ever had therapy? It sounds like he really needs it, bc he has a lot of very rigid and irrational world views that need challenging by a pro…