I will keep this short and simple. My wife is messy. I am not, I loathe it. Most of it she hid in closets or places where I wouldn’t look when we dated. I met this side of her when we were moving in together.
I’ve expressed how it makes me feel MANY TIMES. Some not the greatest in the beginning, but chose to be more gentle in my approach. Nothing had worked… low energy organization, taking stuff off her plate “compromising”, asking in advance so she can prepare herself mentally for the overwhelmingness of the mess, etc. But there’s always something. The bathroom is. Constant mess, she will take the dirty dishes and pile them up, if by chance she does load the dishwasher she wont start it. We have a 16 month old, we both work, we both contribute to finances, we both spend time with the baby. I cook, clean, feed the pets(3), clean the pets, clean up after them when they decide to relieve them selves in the house, clean up their mess outside, pick up after her when she leaves a mess when she works from home, gathering her dirty dishes around the house, basically a lot of the domestic things. I’m
not afraid of house chores, but the more bodies being added to the equation results in a more upset me.
I’m tired, and feel unheard.
In one of our heart to hearts, I told her I hate having this conversation because I feel like I’m complaining and being the bad guy, and she says “she’ll do better” but here we are 4 years later and no change. I feel stupid wanting to part ways because of this… She hoards things, and never wants to let go of them to make room for the future. I’ve prayed, I talk to no one about this but her, but it’s falling on deaf ears. I’m tired, highly frustrated and I want to separate. I hate having this feeling, but it’s truly tiring.
I don’t know what to do, I’ve prayed, I’ve talked to her, and I’ve expressed myself to her with kindness and compassion. I compliment her on the great things she does do, but now I feel as though she’s subconsciously taking me for advantage.
I don’t know what to do other than leaving, simply because she’s plainly put a slob.
Help…..
8 comments
You need to talk to her and express how you feel so hopefully she will understand and change.
The 16 month old does make it difficult, but one thing you may try is simultaneous chore-doing. Ie, while she does X you’ll do Y. I’ve had good luck with that approach, though admittedly it was never as bad as you suggest for me.
This is not about cleanliness. It’s about your emotions tied to this. You are feeling disrespected and unappreciated. Like she does not care. She is unwilling to fill your emotional needs. You know this is true because doing all these stupid little things would indeed make you feel good.
So the question is- why isn’t she trying?
One idea is she maybe feeling controlled or unequal in the relationship. Not saying you are or aren’t so don’t go into defensive mode. Heck, this could have roots in her upbringing.
Another is she has (completely unrelated) emotional needs not being met. Maybe try and understand what these may be.
Damn man.
This is tough.
Unfortunately could you two afford a maid?
At some point, you need accept this is who you married. Having the quarterly talk clearly isn’t working, so it’s time to hire a cleaner or pick up the slack yourself.
My partner is also very messy and wants to keep everything it bothers me a great deal. When the kids leave home, I plan to put all of his stuff in one of their bedrooms and keep the mess confined to there as much as possible and the door closed. I struggle with it a lot, being judgy, because honestly, it’s not a moral failing to be messy. It’s how he grew up and he sees nothing wrong with it. As much as it drives me crazy, I personally, do not feel that it’s worth breaking up my marriage and family for. It’s hard though. You may see me on this board in the future with one of those ‘living apart together” tags though, LoL.
This sounds comically like my marriage with my wife! I want her to see your post.
Soooo here’s a great book called loving what is by Byron Katie. It changed my life in this area. I am definitely the organized one in my marriage. It can be incredibly frustrating to see things left out or not done or not put away. Things that are second nature to me.
I spent multiple years trying to get my wife to be more like me. For her to be more organized and clean up. But all it did was make her feel like not enough, and dimmed her light.
Our marriage and passion really took off when we both learned to love and appreciate each other’s different personalities. And we both work within our strengths in our marriage. I trust her intuition on spending more time with family and creating magic memories. She trusts my organized and structured planning side. And yes… if I want something cleaned up or the trash taken out I do it myself. And I tease her for what we call her “noodle brain.”
We don’t try to make each other like each other. Because after all… if we wanted to marry ourselves we should have stayed single. What creates passion are differences. What destroys a marriage is not appreciating the same differences that brought you together.