I’m struggling to be okay, but I’m done with the common theme throughout most of my life.
It feels like literally almost every time I join a group or meet people, I’ll eventually or immediately get excluded. Sometimes everything would seem good, at first, but over time things start to fall apart. I have to remind myself that people can be fake, assholes, or that I don’t know what’s going on in their lives. I am beginning to think that there is something internally wrong with me that is appalling.
I know that I could be suffering from paranoia of abandonment. But I struggle to know when it is actually happening or not. Either they really are assholes, we just don’t share much in common. I had people assuming that I am aloof or meek because I’m quiet (forget them!). I also keep running into people that assuming that I am intellectually disabled (infantizing me like dumbing down their speech ) merely because I am very quiet or I have quirky traits. I’m trying to be less weird but I struggle to do that. I think I might be autistic, but I was homeschooled most of my life, I wasn’t able to make much friends throughout my life relating to being homeschooled.
I’m literally not shy, I just don’t know how to really talk to people. Or I’m too reserve (I know that some people explode out of insecurity when they notice how reserve and quiet I am).
I know some people would say that some people are just assholes and that’s life, but I feel like with me it’s beyond that. I don’t think it’s normal that that many people are willing to stop talking to me soon after or over time, sometimes it really is my fault because I didn’t understand emotionally (again, I blame my insecurity for my actions), but other times I’m more convinced it’s not me, as I can be deeply appalled with people have done shit to others, such as stirring the pot or gossip. But there people that could been nice and I didn’t understand at the time.
How do I stop feeling alone? I literally don’t have anyone in my life I can go talk to, I don’t have family members I can trust and talk to, I came from a toxic family. I have no friends. There were a few people I thought were my friends but they either stabbed me in the back or ghosted me when I needed emotional support.