I (20F) recently moved in with my boyfriend (20M). It’s been an absolute dream so far, and I truly do love him. He’s the first guy I’ve ever been with, and I know I’m the first woman he’s been with. When it come time to actually initiate things though, I get so awkward and flustered it’s hard to not make a fool of myself. I spend most of the time worrying that he’s not actually enjoying himself or that I’m being selfish when the focus isn’t 100% on him or become overwhelmingly aware of how much I don’t like my body.

I do come from a very strict and intense religious background, and I also entered recovery for an eating disorder recently. So these feelings aren’t much of a surprise, just a massive pain in my ass.

I know it makes him feel bad though when I get in my head like this and then he can’t have as great a time, and I’d like to enjoy myself a bit more too for that matter. It’s no fun when I get in my head so much, and I really do want to take this next step. I want to be comfortable with it, I’m just having trouble getting there. Any tips on how I can get over this “sex anxiety”? (Idk what else to call it)

\*Sorry if it’s a clunky read, I get a bit nervous talking about this stuff.\*

15 comments

  1. Everyone is different when it comes to sex. Be open with him about your struggle. I guarantee you he is enjoying himself even when focus isn’t on him. I’m sure he likes playing with and pleasing you! Maybe reassurance from him will help you some?

    Also, if you talk with him about it, you may be able to find other ways to initiate that don’t make you as nervous.

  2. Find a good therapist. Work through past stuff so you can be the best you for today.

    Between that and a supportive bf, you should be good with time.

  3. Everyone gets nervous their first times. The great news is that practice makes perfect, and the practice is so much fun. Here are some tips.

    Don’t try and go for gold every time. Sometimes, silver or bronze is just as good, if not preferred.

    You guys don’t always have to finish. That’s not what sex is about. It’s about being close to one another and sharing the most intimate time with each other.

    If he is having sex with you, he probably finds you very attractive and you are getting in your own head. It’s easier said than done, but just know you are sexy in his eyes.

    Diaphragmatic breathing before, during breaks, and after reduces my anxiety a lot. You kinda look ridiculous, but who cares. If you explain that you are a bit overwhelmed, getting jn your own head, the other person will understand and take things down a notch to a more comfortable place.

    Try a bunch of new things to lighten the mood. Dirty talk about when you both met. How badly you wanted to take the other person right there. How much have you wanted to fuck them. Refer to X thing and say you have wanted to do that with them for a while now. It builds bonding experience.

  4. Not to dismiss what you’re feeling at all, but dude is probably just pretty happy he gets to touch your boobs. I can definitely relate with what you’re feeling.

    I think it will go away as your comfort level increases.
    I think you have a few options. Fake it til you make it is one, and talk with him about it is another.

    There’s a good chance that he is experiencing similar thoughts. If he’s not selfish, he wants you to have a good time too.

    Maybe it sounds silly but there’s sexy games people can play where they roll dice and the results of the roll suggest you ___ their ___.

    One of the best ways to get out of my head is to just have fun with it. Sex doesn’t have to be a serious, determined act with a script. Someone is going to fart eventually. But it’s important to not be demeaning or accept demeaning behavior when things go sideways. Laugh with, not at.

    Sex doesn’t have to be a serious act, but it can have serious, life-changing results. That part is not really about performance though.

    Another possibly good way to get out of your head is to have a session that just focuses on one of you. If it’s the you-session, it’s all about you and exploring what you like and want. If you get worried that you’re not pleasing him, that’s fine, that’s the deal. If you’re not having a good time, change to something you want to try, or stop entirely. Give him a turn a different time.

    These two suggestions are really all about learning more about what each other like, and lowering the defenses a bit. They involve a little discussion at least, but try to look at it this way; you can have the uncomfortable discussion once, instead of having an unknown number of uncomfortable experiences until they’re not uncomfortable. You’ll probably have more than one uncomfortable discussion, but they usually are good investments.

    Sometimes writing something like what you posted and sharing it can be an easier way to start a conversation with a partner. I tend to get flustered and don’t communicate as well around tough subjects. It might work to share what you wrote here with him, for example, I think it explains your thoughts and feelings well.

    Also, it’s a good idea to have these discussions when you’re not already aroused.

    Good luck, have fun, and I hope you find a good way through this.

  5. So learning a new partner is always awkward and leads to some odd moments. The trick is to laugh WITH each other about it and keep going. Usually by distracting the other person with something very pleasurable.

    I can only speak for myself, but I have never expected 100% of the attention to be on me. Only a bad lover does that. I was with a pillow princess for years. So I’m sure your man is happy to provide you some attention.

    If you’re worried about how you look then turn out the lights or blindfold him. That way you can see his smiles and reactions to you but he can’t see you. I bet you’ll find that he’s enjoying himself. You can also take a little control of the situation so that you’re doing things that feel good to you.

  6. So my suggestion is the following, only of you believe you are ready for the next step.

    Try being physically close without being sexual. Don’t think of sex as just penetration, but a while process made up of different phases. Spend time laying down next to each other, fully clothed at first, and have your hands on each other. Just talk, not dirty talk, but talk. As your talking, slowly move your hands around. Feel every part of each other. Midsection, legs, face.
    Then like strip poker, take one article of clothing off at a time, while you’re talking. Stay relaxed. If you have to mention how awkward the situation is, voice it. It’s ok to be awkward, sex isn’t supposed to be this “professional dance” that goes smoothly and transitions seamlessly between two people. Especially if either one is you or both are new to this.

    Eventually you’ll get to the naked part, but again, penetration doesn’t need to happen yet. My suggestion is that take turns spooning each other and continue using your hands. At one point you’ll be facing one another, either side by side or one on top of the over, that will help ease the transition.

    As you progress through all this, you can talk about intimate things, like simple things you want to do or be done to you and slowly get into position. Constant communication is key.

    Eventually you’ll get to penetration and it’s ok to go slow and still be awkward, but talking about depth and pace with your partner will make it pleasurable for both you.

    Everything I explained doesnt have to happen all in one night. Just go with what feels comfortable and enduring will be fine. Hopefully that helps.

  8. I used to be this way. IMO it’s easier when you experiment with people you’re not emotionally attached too.

  9. Been there , complete with religious trauma / purity culture so I’ve felt exactly what you’re feeling.

    Other than therapy my biggest success has come from exploring toys and self pleasure.

    Sex is like food, if you don’t know what you like you can’t give your partner the recipes that please you best .

  10. It’s 100% a-okay! I automatically ask my partner how she feels a few times in the middle of it (trying to stop that lol). But yeah… I’m sure he wants you to feel good too. If you’re worried, then tell him. Even if you’re in the middle of it. Communicate as much as you want until you feel comfortable, even if it doesn’t go any further and you wind up cuddling and watching TV. Emotional closeness and trust can make sex 10x better, and it seems like your anxiety stems from how *he* feels so… it kills two birds with one stone. 🙂

  14. i have come from the same background, and similar experiences. just be honest and open with your partner 🙂 i’m sorry you’re going thru this!

  15. To give very short advice, practice makes perfect and words of affirmation go a long way, the more you do it the less awkward it will be each time and make sure he knows to give u feedback so u know what he likes and what he doesn’t then u will get more confident and comfortable overtime. You are still young and inexperienced it’s totally normal to feel the way you do. The fact you care so much about being good for your man shows that you will be great just need some practice 😊

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