Found this deleted conversation in my boyfriend’s phone upon meeting him in Dallas for his buisness trip. (Skip to bottom for conversation.)
Yes, I went through his phone and take full accountability for invading his privacy. I feel stupid and I feel shame. He’s been on a drinking binge lately and tends to treat me with no respect when drunk so I get insecure and suspicious. Yet, he paid for the entire trip for me, wants to live together, to get married, have a family, wants to spend nearly all his time with me and even wears a fake wedding ring (he wanted to get promise rings one day in the mean time).
Maybe it was intuition? No excuse, I fucked up invading his privacy and found something that could have resulted in self sabatoge. I’m sure I’ll get a lot of responses from you guys saying to end it bc the trust isn’t there. Which I did.
But I question, maybe I was overreacting? However, he deleted the convo and saved her number so he must have been aware of doing something wrong, thus hiding it. He knows I will look through his phone so he said he deleted it bc I would get upset over something like this if I found it. Well of course I’d get upset if he hid exchanging numbers with a woman. Would I get upset had he communicated to me that I exchanged contact info with a woman at the airport whom he wanted to recruit? No. Yet he insists I’d disapprove so he felt the need to hide it. I feel this is a form of gaslighting.
To clarify, I had recently told him I’m uncomfortable with him giving his business card to women at bars to recruit as they may take it as something more. He agreed not to do it as hed probably feel the same in my shoes. So in essence, he’s making it appear as if he wanted to make that $1000 recruitment bonus, knew I wouldn’t approve of it being a female so he hid the convo when all he had to do was ask if I’d be okay with this exchange after it had already happened (and it happened quickly being a brief exchange during TSA). But several days went by and he never mentioned it… I wonder, would he have ever if she really was and did, recruit on?
His claim: he met her during TSA at the airport. She wasn’t pretty, he could barely remember what she looked like as he was half drunk and full of anxiety due to his extreme fear of flying. He asked her age, she was a 22 yo bartender, asked where she was heading- to Colorado to visit friends. He said he was going to Dallas for work, told her about his job, said she’d be a great fit and to exchange contact info.
That he had no interest other than trying to recruit her into his company to sell insurance (gets a $1000 bonus).
His coworker confirmed she was a potential recruit bc he told her he thinks he found a recruit. But, I believe that doesn’t mean she could be more than that, though- a potential hook up or new relationship. For context, he saved her number as AIRPORT BT rather than AIRPORT RECRUIT.
Well, I contacted her, and she replied that he did not mention recruiting her for work at all and the intent was 100% to meet up when they were both back in town. She said she is 28, was heading to NYC to apartment hunt for work as she’d be traveling back and forth. She admitted there was “something about him.” She was interested in him. She and I are due to get drinks and talk about it further next week!
I can’t help but think he’s gaslighting me. His story didn’t match with hers but he claims it was because he was half drunk and had pre-flight anxiety. I call bullshit.
The convo:
Him: John
Her: Jane
Him: Pleasure.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever exchanged numbers before 7am.
Him: Yeah you have. You just did it after midnight.
Her: Fair point.
Okay, between the hours of 4 & 7.
But that seems less special.
Him: We need to talk upon your return.
So… what do you guys think aside from this relationship has no future due to lack of trust. Do you think he may be telling the truth and she may have taken things the wrong way? Or that he was on a flight to cheater town?
TLDR; I found a deleted, seemingly flirtatious conversation in bf’s phone with woman at airport. He claims she was nothing but a potential recruit for his company as he will receive a $1000 bonus.
3 comments
Hi! Sorry your relationship is in this place of mistrust.
Since you want a straight up answer to your question, then yes, it sounds like he was thinking about cheating.
As for the “this is already over because you mistrust him” side of things, I think you’re anticipating that answer because deep down you know that’s true. You know deep down that there are people in relationships who are not searching each others’ phones, not deleting messages, not having to draw boundaries around networking, etc. You know this is not okay.
I understand why you want it to be okay. You’ve invested time and love and energy into this. This man talks about a future with you, he shows he cares about you in some ways. You might feel like if you could JUST figure out this trust stuff, or his drinking stuff, or draw the “right boundaries” around his work stuff, you could have that future together.
But I’m sorry to say that the same part of your gut that tells you that you need to check his phone is also right about the relationship as a whole. This is not okay.
It’s okay that you looked at his phone – don’t beat yourself up for it. Most people would do the same thing in this relationship. That’s why you deserve a better relationship. I hope you find it.
Good luck!
Yes he’s lying to you
A promise ring at 40 is an embarrasing gesture to shut you up or attract more women. Some women love the thrill of married men. Either waybit embarrassing. And yes he absolutely was trying to cheat on you with a hot 20 something. He deleted it with no qualms. Definitely a routine for him. Travel-meet young girls- get as much new pssy as he can-clear phone. You didnt just happen to check his phone this one time and stumble across his only shady behavior. Did you check his email? His social media? His apps. Hidden pics. Hidden contacts. Dont know why youd meet with this young woman when she is probably one of hundreds and they didnt even make it far. He lied right to your face and expected you to buy it because you are. What did he say when you said oh hey thats a lie. You were trying to pick her up.