I am a very loving and sweet natured person and I am shocked at how many men constantly let me down. I know the dating world these days is horrific but I can’t seem to catch a break. I’ve noticed that now I don’t even get excited at all about men anymore. When I meet someone new it takes a lot for me to even care whatsoever or catch feelings because I don’t allow myself to. I want to have an open heart but I am starting to give up. I’m just afraid I’m gunna become stone cold towards men. It seems to be heading that way.
28 comments
Then stop dating for a minute. Sounds like you need a break.
Resentment isn’t a good territory to be in…at all.
Maybe try not to view it as ‘men let me down’ but instead like ‘Peter let me down’ and ‘Greg let me down’ etc. When you’re on your first date with your future husband, you don’t want to be holding anything against him for what other random guys did in your past. Becoming jaded would be counterproductive for you.
It’s hard when you have expectations of a real connection, hoping to find a great long term partner. Then realize time and again that they only wanted into your pants. At least, that’s what dating in my big city feels like right now.
I dated a guy who stole a large sum of money from me. Large. I dated a guy who lied about his job and even his name. I dated a guy who would only have time to see me late on a Friday night, then was so busy he really had to leave no later than 11am the next morning. After a while, it feels like why even bother. Sigh.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It means you can vet men easier and won’t catch feelings too soon. Sounds like a win-win to me. As long as you are a rational person that doesn’t generalize, being stone cold is protective I guess
i know exactly how you feel and have felt it often. i dont even want to get back out there. its not that im turning stone cold🤔im tired of being heartbroken. because i do eventually love whole heartedly, full forced, unconditionally, hopelessly openhearted. and when they let me down im torn to shreds, millions of shattered pieces of my heart all over a guy who i thought was worth the effort🤷🏻♀️.
i dont want that pain. and im tired of being fooled into believing a guy is worth my love and affection and getting over him only for it to happen again with the next guy i think is the right one, only to be wrong again, and again. so yeah i understand
Goes both ways unfortunately. After so much bs, currently someone seems to be into me, we have stuff in common and overall seems like a good person, I still can’t feel anything for her because I’m expecting them to show their true colors
I’m on year 4. So be it I suppose.
Well, that’s been my story with women. I really don’t know if complete honesty and trust can be achieved with the opposite sex.
I don’t know the full story of who you meet, how you meet, or what your preferences are so feel free to interject if I’ve assumed something incorrectly. But a lot of people I see posting this same problem tend to do the same thing.
Which is, When you meet a guy via an app or even in person, if you’ve decided to make your move because they’re very attractive even though their profile is empty/vague and you know nothing about them, already the odds are against you and you’re setting yourself up for disaster. I know most people will say “Oh but you miss 100% of the shots… blah blah blah” but look at the results, leaving you bitter and posting here. It’s not worth it.
That being said, If the consistently same result is starting to affect you as a person, the best thing to do is start refining your searches and being stricter on who you match with, all the while being open to compromise. For example, I’ve come across girls who are traditionally gorgeous, but either have a blank profile, or only mention that they like “wine, travelling, sarcasm, and dogs.” Which not only do I not like, but it’s such boring and basic information that swiping right will mean chances are we have nothing in common so it wont work out, so I keep going until I find a girl that we have a major interest in common and I message her based on that, she doesn’t have to be 10/10 drop-dead-gorgeous either, but as long as she looks like she takes care of herself, I’m more than happy.
This advice is a double-edge sword sadly where as much as it will help you find others more suited to your interests, it will take longer to find said person. I remind myself that as sucky as it is being alone, at least I’ve had no crazy ex’s or wasted years of my life in a relationship that from day 1 was going no where, and when I do find someone, it’ll be genuine and not leave me feeling bitter and ‘black-pilled’ over it.
Take a break and enjoy some alone time
Stop putting so much pressure on ‘dating’ and just talk to people make friends. It’s easy to then date those friends that are honorable. If those friends don’t want to date you then you’re the problem
Been on a break for a year now. I can’t see men beyond being friends with them, a flirt at max, anymore. Closed off completely. I really hate what men did to me in the past few years and getting comfortable with the thought of staying alone, maybe for the rest of my life.
Theres always cats……
I’ve definitely developed an avoidant attachment style thanks to modern dating practices…
With financial stressors, like the cost of living, I’d rather save my energy for my side hustles than be fighting to establish boundaries that I feel should be common place (like monogamy, removal of oneself from dating apps/party scenes, check ins, date nights)
Same. Until I met my current boyfriend. My last ex just treated me soo badly, and after that I went out on one date with a guy I instinctively knew was kind of a jerk.. and he was. He was SO AWFUL. And I thank him for that because it changed my life. I’ve always said “I want a nice guy,” but settled for dealing with dudes that weren’t consistently nice. That last guy was the one that broke the camel’s back. I realized HOW FAR from myself I’d strayed. I knew what I wanted.. a smart, funny, nice dude who wanted a commitment.. yet I was still dating people who didn’t fit the bill. Why? Like, at first they SEEMED to fit the bill, I ended up liking them, but they soon showed their real colors. Anyway, I said to myself, “never again.” The next guy I met is my current bf (of a year). I got a really good and genuine vibe from him. He was honest about stuff and made an effort, never canceled on me, and even tho he wasn’t a good communicator, learned how to be a better one for me. I told him from the get go.. like the first week.. that I’m not looking to date multiple people and am looking for someone who wants to just focus on dating me. If it doesn’t work out, fine, we move on. But I don’t want to do the whole dating around thing, I want to give it a real go. And he was like, ya me too (and meant it through actions, not just words). Anyway, he deleted his dating profiles after our first date without me even asking him to, and I knew he was a keeper right then, haha. The difference between this guy and the others is consistency. He’s consistently shown up for me. I didn’t feel like I had to convince him to do that. BUT, if he hadn’t, I would have just left. That was how I MYSELF was different this time. I realized the kinds of stuff I was accepting, how I’d been setting the bar lower and lower each time. It felt counterintuitive to set it higher. But that was actually the answer. So do that. Set the bar high. If someone doesn’t fit the bill, let them go. Don’t waste your time. And listen to your instincts. Someone doesn’t have to be perfect to be a great boyfriend. You can definitely learn and grow together. You have to communicate well and if the other person refuses to do that, let them go. Do your best. Then you’ll know you tried, and your guy-filter filtered out the crap.
It’ll get better. Focus on your job and things you like to do.
I haven’t even been dating for a long time but i can relate, men around me constantly let me down
This could be any number of things – there’s an interesting movie by Jonah Hill where it’s about him and his therapist. The therapist says if we tend to our exercise, our mental health, and (some other thing) then we’re going to feel we are living maximally. My only question is are you learning to set healthy emotional boundaries, so you don’t get too much pain? Like maybe this is a good thing. The art of boundaries is you can change them at any time, they are yours. All this by way of saying good luck.
I’m so jaded
We men stopped giving a shit, too.
Life for sensitive ppl is a living hell, especially dating in this era. Take this from a stranger, but i feel you.
Omg you sound totally like me. I legit could’ve wrote this post. In the last 6 months I’ve been disappointed by 3 different men and honestly after the last one, I also don’t get excited over men anymore. I used to be sooo happy and excited when a man asks me out, or talks about meeting up soon, etc.. now I’m just like “eh” 🤷🏻♀️ I won’t get excited about someone until they prove that they’re actually truly interested and wants to continue seeing me, and form an actual relationship. Until that happens I just don’t trust anyone anymore.
It’s usually because these men that you go after have plenty of options or they aren’t completely attracted to you. Otherwise they would have taken you a lot more seriously.
As a man that wanted a real long term relationship & found a woman looking for a long term relationship… From the outside looking in, it’s hard to come up with any real advice to find a guy that isn’t lying.
Most of the dudes I was around throughout highschool didn’t seem to give a shit about the girls they were with, and I got trapped in an abusive relationship for a while thinking I’d found something real for once.
Hell it actually seems quite the same for men looking for real relationships too right now. All three of my male friends have tried several tactive to avoid getting one night stands or used for sex and then ghosted. Somehow my partner and I just got really lucky finding each other.
Not sure there’s a solid answer to finding someone that isn’t a lying piece of shit these days. Everyone is always thinking only for themselves and are very selfish. Only thing I can say is take a break and keep looking. Eventually you’ll find someone that isn’t just wanting to get in your pants. Sex is a bonus to a relationship, it shouldn’t be the very first thing everyone considers.
It’s so hard! I have no sage words of wisdom because the reality is.. this is the culture we live in. I still use the apps but my highest hope is just meeting someone for a drink who can hold a conversation.
I felt this HEAVILY
This is the same reason my view in women is RUINED, every woman that doesn’t look like a bum/addict is literally unapproachable due to social media and I get it, but in the dating realm if someone attempts multiple approaches just to be ghosted, left on read, and straight up face to face ignored/ arrogant denial comments, It turns a kind humble approach to “fuck it/you” and eliminates any thoughtful acts due to other people’s actions. Another reason I think good guys out here are playing the villain role by choice which is obviously gunna lead to letting most women down that gain their attention😔