My wife and I had a fight recently, she feels I don’t prioritize communication enough with her while we are apart for a week. This stems from a trip I had taken back home to Canada (we are living in Denmark) to be there for the birth of my first niece. She was invited and encouraged to come to, but unfortunately she had a hard work conflict.
As further background, we’d had a similar fight in the past (1.5 years ago) where I could more clearly see her perspective. In that case I I went on a road trip with a friend, and she was miffed that there was a 2 day period while we were driving through northern Ontario that I wasn’t able to call (spotty cell service and we were camping). I thought how upset she was a bit excessive given the circumstances, but I did tell her I’d try to be more active in communicating in future trips.
Anyways, on the latest trip I feel like I did genuinely try to prioritize communication. A typical day would look like this:
1) I’d call her when I’d wake up, she’d be on lunch break (6 hr time difference), say good morning/I love you, see how day is going, usually about a 5-10 minute call.
2) Id call her again at my lunch time (I was also working remotely while back), she’d be getting off work. We’d catch up on her evening plans, and usually find a slot we could talk later in the evening. Also about a 5-10 minute call.
3) We’d find another time in the evening to chat, sometimes the time varied based on what’s going on, but calls would range from 15 minutes to an hour.
4) also had miscellaneous calls if something was going on, e.g. if I saw some friends who wanted to say hi to her over FaceTime.
5) We’d text back and forth all day, usually about 20-30.
So anyways. I felt like this was a fairly heave dose of communication. Certainly a lot more than I’d ever done in any previous relationships. I thought I was killing it, but apparently not. After I got back, she expressed that she felt like our communication was too “half-hazard”. She wanted like a solid hour, at a scheduled time in her evening, every day, that we would treat like a date.
What’s annoying is I would have been okay with doing this if she asked, but it’s not enough. She also wanted this to have been my idea, and was hurt that it wasn’t. She’s hurt, both that I couldn’t tell that she needed this, and also that I didn’t seem to care as much about that level of communication as she did.
So yeah, there’s an element where I feel like my wife is just finding reasons to be upset at me. I feel like I made a genuine effort to meet her needs as I understood them, so it hurt to be accused of not caring or not trying. I also don’t feel like her need to communicate is coming from a place of love, but that it’s kind of controlling. I also think that the level of communication I described is pretty high up there for most couples. Any feedback or thoughts are appreciated. How can I fulfill her needs? How should we manage having different needs related to amount of communication?
tl;dr my wife and I have very different needs related to communication while we are apart. I feel like it’s a moving target where I’m being set up to fail.
24 comments
You’re wife seems quite needy. What you did on your trip is more than enough communication.
When my Gf goes away we speak before bed, and text a few times throughout the day. I understand that she’s away and communicating isn’t going to be the same or as much.
>She wanted like a solid hour, at a scheduled time in her evening, every day, that we would treat like a date.
How exciting is her day going to be that it requires a daily hour chat in the evening outside of the other chats?
It reflects badly on her that you’re connecting with family and she’s inserting herself into your day excessively. As if your life can’t possibly be worth anything if you don’t have long daily communications with her.
I’m with you, it sounds like looking for reasons to be upset, or just keep you “under observation.” She played the “not caring” card but in reality, she doesn’t care that you’re having this experience, catching up with family, that she is determined to interrupt.
By all means have some contact but this all sounds massively needy and conceited on her part.
Oh God, I know different people like different things and that’s valid but your list of daily communication you had is actually insane to me. If my partner called/texted me like that I’d lose it. I think I’d rather pick up an extra shift on top of my weekly 80 hours rather than communicate with anyone that many times a day.
You did enough communicating that her issue is not about the amount of communication.
I wouldn’t presume to decide what her issue was. But it seems you 2 need to figure it out. Does she not feel she has a valid life without you? Was she incredibly jealous that you got to take a trip? Is she generally insecure or needy? Does she suspect you of cheating? Something is going on, but it is not quantity of communication.
“I want you to want to do the dishes!”
“Who *wants* to do dishes?!”
she sounds extremely exhausting. I mean this as an honest question: does she have no life apart from being with you? No hobbies? Friends? She seems to center her whole day around talking to you, which seems very unlike an adult relationship.
This is very excessive. Very. And that you were supposed to mind read she wanted a call for an hour each evening?
I don’t live with my partner and we don’t talk this much on a regular basis. And no one is pouting or wanting their mind read.
You said it feels controlling. It reads controlling too.
Omg I’d rather drag myself over broken glass than put myself through that. How much effort u put will never be satisfactory. Try pulling a reverse uno and make up a complaint about her and blame it on her saying that she should have thought about it and want herself to do it. Throw imaginary accusations at her.
Tell her what’s the point of this intense level of communication? She either doesn’t trust herself or u. It’s not a healthy way to go forward.
Your wife is smothering you.
That’s insufferable. Does she work? Maybe she should get hobbies or interests. I’d tell her that her expectations aren’t realistic and any person with things to do would agree.
She wants you to be a mind reader. No one is a mind reader. Also, an hour each day? That’s excessive to me. You are not meeting her very high expectations
As a Canadian woman, living abroad with my Aussie partner, and who has had to travel home without him in the past as well, and been in this communication stretch for a week to a month at a time; she’s being unreasonable.
My partner and I absolutely fell into the pattern she is suggesting, as a) it made most sense, and b) gave us **quality time, over a quantity of time**. Tbh, she probably felt rushed off the phone constantly, and like she was just getting what you could give based on your situation.
But that’s not a bad thing, if that’s what you gave, and she’s 100% in the wrong for expecting you to read her mind about it.
> I also don’t feel like her need to communicate is coming from a place of love, but that it’s kind of controlling.
I disagree with this strongly. But I think she’s, quite ironically, a shit communicator about her needs.
> I also think that the level of communication I described is pretty high up there for most couples.
Yup, I agree. But I agree with her that having the quantity of texts and calls wasn’t as meaningful as an hour a day to just *be* together over phone or video, would have been.
My advice; call her out on her hypocrisy. “Hey love, it’s not okay that you call me a poor communicator while I’m away, when you didn’t communicate what you needed from me. I really tried to find something that worked, and I had no clue that it didn’t until you got upset at me after I had no chance to fix it. I’m just not a mind reader, and you being upset that I didn’t come up with a different plan, without telling me I needed to, really feels like you expect me to be. ”
Then be proactive, and come up with a plan for the future. “Now that J know that’s what you need, I can easily work with that if I ever have to go away again. And how about we try to do a daily check in as well? I’ll ask if the level of communication works, and you let me know at that point. That way, we can avoid anything like this happening again.”
But frankly, don’t apologise again. This isn’t something worth apologizing for, if she acknowledges that she failed to communicate, but blames you for it.
Tldr; her point is right, her delivery is shit, and she’s ironically a much worse communicator than you are. Kiss and make up.
maybe she wants to talk w you for an hour without the entire day communicating?
You’re not wrong. You showed you listened to her, and I think most reasonable people would have been happy with the lengths you went to. If she required even more than that, it’s on her to express that need…you aren’t a mind reader.
Could it be she’s treating your one week away the same as if you were permanently in a long distance relationship? Those often do require more communications and scheduled times for dates etc.
Yeah she’s asking too much. A check in every day is fine. A phone call three times a day and multiple text messages is not fine. That’s excessive.
How much work is she doing if she has time to do all these calls and texts AND doesn’t think it’s enough. She should have come with you.
It’s worth having a talk with her about this because her expectations are completely unrealistic. How on earth are you supposed to get anything done when you’re apart if she demands this much communication?
Is it this bad when you’re home? If you are away with friends for an entire day does she expect you to be glued to your phone communicating with her to the detriment of those you are with??
Nice to hear other dudes have wives who just slam them lol.
Look man sometimes they just want to win an argument.
My wife’s awesome so I let her steamroll me on these odd fights she picks with me. I’ll worry when she stops giving a crap and just lets me do whatever I want with no questions asked.
If communicating with your wife will make her happy then communicate with her more often. It’s worth it
You’re her husband and she wants you to be her girlfriend too 😆
I live with my wife, home every night and talk throughout the day a lot. I love it. Because she’s my best friend. Guess it’s all in perspective.
An hour is too much phone time every single day. You were away visiting family, you made time to talk to her regularly and also texted all day. I agree she’s expecting too much, and that’s not even touching “you should have known”. No. Each person has unique expectations and it’s each of our responsibilities to communicate those expectations if we want them met. You’re not wrong; she is feeling upset and that needs to be worked through, but you didn’t break an accepted social norm.
The only time in 34 years with my husband that we weren’t in the same place, he was doing a remote job in another state with a 2-hour time difference. By the time I woke up, he was at work. I’d get a text when they broke for lunch about 10 AM my time and respond letting him know I got up in time to walk the dogs and made it to the office. By the time I got home, he was out to dinner with co-workers. When he was getting ready for bed, he’d call while I was walking the dogs again. Maybe a five-minute conversation. Rinse and repeat for six weeks until the assignment was done. (He flew home on the employer’s dime late Friday and back late Sunday night.)
At no time did I feel left out, ignored, or forgotten about. In fact, my only irritation during the entire six weeks was that I had to get up an hour earlier to take the dogs out – mornings were supposed to be his time with them!
Your wife needs to talk to a professional about her unrealistic communication demands. If I was expected to text anyone 20 – 30 times a day, I’d let my battery die and deliberately not have a charger handy!
I agree with u, thats alot. My counselor told me have to tell ppl what u want, they dont always know. Seems she needs to hear that
Oooph that sounds like an annoyance. When I’m away for work my h is luck to get a text or one ten minute call every couple days. When you’re home, does she text or call all day?
That goes beyond her “needs”. People use the word “needs” to justify insane and exhausting requests so that when their excessive expectations are not met, they can paint their partner as the bad guy for “not meeting needs”.
Less about needs and more about needing to feed off you for validation and purpose. She needs to find some hobbies or a life of her own that she can derive that purpose from and not suck it out of you.