How do I (29f) help my (33m) partner navigate 1.5 year + of unemployment especially in terms of self worth and productivity.

I’m at a loss on how to be supportive for my partner. My health (chronic issues) is also impacted because I can’t be the ear that he needs but my needs aren’t being taken care of. I am worried about his mental health too and am at a loss of what actions I can take to be supportive.

So I know for a fact that my partner is still job hunting and he is also entertaining some alternative options but not very seriously. I work in marketing and he has a background in marketing so I’ve been pushing him to open an agency and help us get on a stronger path to financial independence. He likes the idea but isn’t actively engaging in making it happen.

Most of all I am worried about his mental health. I honestly don’t mind being the primary provider. In some ways the imbalance makes me feel a bit safer if I’m honest- his employer (a large bank) that laid him off worked everyone to the bone and the mandatory overtime and mind games took a toll on him too and we broke up for a short period of time because of how severely it impacted his mental health and was taking it out on me. However at first unemployment was good for him but now that it’s been so long since he’s been working and he has gone through his savings I can see it taking a toll on my partner.

We can get by on my paycheck but not really get ahead in terms of affording a house in this area. He offered to work part time but I have discouraged it a little bit as I see it as a desperate move and maybe a comfortable distraction but that being said I’m not opposed to it and have also been encouraging if this is something he really wants to do. I let him know very clearly that I don’t think any different of him either way and I am here to support him in any way he needs it.

I also lost my higher paying job in the last year but gained employment very shortly after at a lower but still above average pay but significantly better work life balance. Him seeing me get a job and higher paying then his previous role have taken a shot at his ego but he doesn’t voice it.

He’s really quite sweet and clever. He only really got crazy during that one time period and we worked through it. He has no friends in the area and lost a bunch of friends due to the hours and stress of his old job. In this area people our age were trust fund babies that looked down on him for having a job in finance and not a fun job like theirs (music, cinema etc.) We live in a super high cost of living area so many who are around our age moved away, are selfish untrue friends, or are workaholics. So our social life is tiny and I’m actively working to solve that.

However my partner has completely isolated himself. He takes care of our pets and his grandma. He spends his time doing some stuff around the house and playing video games. That stuff he does around the house is at a painfully slow pace. He goes to bed at maybe 3-5am and is on the opposite schedule of me.

I find myself getting a bit resentful that I’m still doing the majority of the household maintenance. He is adhd. So I don’t think berating him or trying to turn his attention to housework is the right thing to do for him and his general life satisfaction. I hired cleaners to come and that’s alleviated like 80% of out relationship issues. I paused them recently but am brining that back because of my personal stress even though I’m unhappy about the expense it’s still cheaper than therapy and stress strain .

He gets really stuck on what he should have done or could have done and is not thinking ahead at all. If I think about the past and recent past I go crazy and have anxiety attacks due to how much money was wasted due to part life style choices part house maintenance disasters due to unforeseen mostly weather related issues that cause us to lose a lot of stuff and force is t repurchase them at a higher price.

These loses have really impacted my sense of stability and happiness and I’m working through it. It brings me back to the days where I lived out of my car and I don’t want to think about it. One of my hobbies was thrifting really cool super cheap shoes and it was a point of pride that there were stupid cheap and unique because I feel guilty spending money on fashion but I love fashion. Now they are all gone as well as other things I worked so hard to find and I’m having trouble buying anything that brings me joy or treating myself due to their being no point if another flood happens (we had like 5 don’t get me started) and ruined everything especially before we had a chance to recover and salvage our stuff.

Above anything else I value stability. I gave up my surprisingly lucrative dream job as a photographer to make sure I can have more stability especially in in schedule and can raise a family.

I would like to have kids in the next two years. My mental health is suffering because I feel the burden of being too much at once- the primary provider,maintaining the household, worrying about him as well as chronic health issues and an increase in flareups that I’m struggling with. I just want to move forward in life. Tbh I’m struggling with pressing him because I think back t how he was almost suicidal due to the stress of his old bank job.

I’m having panic attacks and mental breakdowns due to the stress of maintaining the house. He claims I always do this as he is getting ahead and it sets him 10 steps back.

I know everyone is struggling but I’m really at a loss of how to let go of my standards for the home and feeling unsupported. I’m struggling with the idea of kids not happening because I know we already waited a significant time and I am only going to become less fertile.

I don’t know how to approach my partner about any of this anymore. I don’t want to impact his mental health poorly but I can’t be an ear for him stuck on the past. He really loved his job before they made mandatory overtime a thing and he still pines for the days his job was great. He was only at the one company since he graduated college so he doesn’t really know what to do with himself. It’s difficult to engage with him on many household or self care topics. He does not want to go t therapy as he had enough of it growing up and he sees it as a waste of money. He has entertained me on this and went to a few sessions but still felt it was largely a waste of time and money.

I’m at a loss on how to be supportive and patient. It’s not like he’s just lazing around I just see that he is depressed and don’t know to help. The slow pace is imPacting my mental and physical health. What can I do to support him and get the support I need? How can I talk to him without making him feel bad or guilty? I don’t know how to approach these conversations especially since I don’t know how to help him talk through the past and “what I should have dones” without going crazy myself.

Tdlr: I’m at a loss on how to be supportive for my partner. I can’t talk to him about the past because I will have my own mental breakdown but he is getting stuck and is increasingly getting isolated sluggish and depressed. My health is now impacted. All advice welcome