Hi everyone! I’m 15 years and I currently find myself socially incompetent.
I have always grown up with older people. My brothers are in their 30’s and the children of family friends have always been at least 8 years older than me. Because of this I socially matured very early. In general I matured very early because of early puberty. Adults usually joke about how I’m a 25-30 year old stuck in a teenage body. I’ve never really learnt how to act around kids my age or appreciate them. I always find them superficial, immature and dumb. They only talk about boys, expensive clothes, parties and alcohol and they have zero understanding of the world. They think that their clothing package being late or a boy not texting back for 15 minutes is the biggest problem in the whole universe.
When I was younger I didn’t really care that I was different and not into the same things as the kids around me. I was happy going home, being with my family and being on my phone. I didn’t feel a need to go out and shop or hangout with friends all day long. Now something has changed…
Next year, I’m starting high school (I’m not American). I feel like many of my friends (not my closest ones luckily) are starting to date, lose their virginities, party and so on. I’m not even invited. I want to be a part of this teenage life. I want to be outgoing, social and relaxed without being scared of getting judged by kids my age. I want to be like everyone else. What can I do to become more social to get invited to things and actually start enjoying normal teenage activities? Please help a girl out.
5 comments
Im no expert but one thing i have learned is with conversation, you have to start somewhere. You have to throw shit at a wall and hope something sticks. What may seem like a dumb conversation may turn into something magical! And if not, small talk is normal. And you can always get others to talk and just listen and throw in some remarks and see where things go. Not being involved in the heavy partying is not necessarily a bad thing though.
if i had to guess, i’d say it has nothing to do with being an ‘old soul’. is it possible that you can’t have a conversation because of insecurity? worried about being judged about what you say, saying too much, saying not enough, etc?
It’s maybe not you, it’s the system rn. If people who are money-obsessed are distracted, it is generally on tune with whatever is happening in the economy right now. More people than ever report anxiety.
Fall back on the old ways in times like these. Whatever was bringing you joy and feelings of connection. Don’t press to hard less you overstretch. These people might invite you to parties to and you will have nothing to lose if you go and might end up realizing there are other people nearby that you didn’t see before.
> I have always grown up with older people. My brothers are in their 30’s and the children of family friends have always been at least 8 years older than me. Because of this **I socially matured very early**. In general I matured very early because of early puberty. **Adults usually joke about how I’m a 25-30 year old stuck in a teenage body**. I’ve never really learnt **how to act around kids my age** or appreciate them. I always find them *^superficial, immature and dumb**.
I’m gonn address these one at a time, based on what I’ve learned about developmental psychology over the years:
* **I socially matured very early**. This is like saying your cake got done baking early. You did not “socially mature”. What happened is you skipped a necessary stage of social development and learned to *act* like an adult. Unless you fix this, it will always be an act.
* **Adults usually joke about how I’m a 25-30 year old stuck in a teenage body** Just because they think this is okay doesn’t mean they’re right. Sort of like someone who can vomit as normal and doesn’t like it might have high praise for a person who never vomits, but in reality the inability to vomit is a serious problem. In actual reality you are a *teenager stuck in an adult persona*.
* **How to act around kids my age**. How to be a kid is the foundation for how to be an adult. This is why I said it will always be an act unless you fix this ASAP. If you don’t build the foundation of selfishness, narcissism, violence, etc that composes childhood, you’ll never be able to build the fully-integrated versions of these things (self care, self love, boundaries) into your adult self.
* **superficial, immature, and dumb** By acting out adult mannerisms you don’t have the experiential basis for, you exist superficially. By skipping straight to being an adult, you fail to mature. By being ignorant of your own straightforward childish way of being, you are in fact dumb.
I was exactly where you are when I was your age. I’m now 39. I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to mend the damage that was done by my skipping childhood and going straight to being “such a mature child”.
No. A child who acts like an adult is not mature. Most likely they’re traumatized, cut off from their real feelings, and starved for unconditional love.
You want to know why some kids prefer the company of adults? **Because adults are gentle and nice and play a handicapped game with kids**.
Children interacting with adults is the tee ball of childhood social life. Other kids are mean, demanding, impatient, unforgiving, spontaneous, unpredictable, volatile, and **won’t pretend to like you**. As such, their company is a perfect gauntlet in which to develop your actual social skills, in which to become actually likeable.
Adults are super generous with kids and will continue to interact politely even with a kid they don’t like or find interesting. If you only get along with adults as a kid, that is like saying that you prefer to bowl with the bumpers in. It doesn’t mean you’re an advanced bowler. It means the opposite.
You sound intelligent, and somewhat in touch with how your interpersonal relationships are panning out, which I want to recognize and validate.
However, you’ll have a lot easier time fitting in with your peers if you don’t despise them. Any mockery or belittlement you have towards other people your age is rooted in jealousy and isolation. In general, any manifestation of anger has a deeper meaning. So first, admit to yourself you are not better than them and they are not less than you for liking shopping or video games. And until you truly believe that, until you humble yourself and accept that you have room to learn, you will always feel lonely. And I speak from personal experience.
As for extending your social hand, I suggest three things. Confidence: be secure in who you are, don’t knock over your boundaries to please others. If they don’t like you for you, they don’t deserve to be your friend. It’s okay to bend a little to relate to someone more, but never ever be someone you’re not. You will always end up sad and alone. Give compliments: Notice a girl wearing a necklace you like? Instead of saying in your head, “I wish I had that” say to her, “I really like your necklace. Where did you get it?” which can turn into a new friend. This leads well into my third and most important suggestion, ask questions: It is so tempting to talk about yourself and your experiences, and quite frankly I don’t care about your favorite ice cream but instead of saying, “you like vanilla? My favorite is chocolate” say, “you like vanilla? What’s your favorite ice cream parlor?” which keeps the conversation going.
Anyway, sorry for the essay. I hope you got something from it. I think I was in a very similar situation when I was your age and these things really helped me.