Throwaway account, my boyfriend knows my main account. Also, English is not my first language so I apologize for the possible mistakes I’m gonna make.
Hello men of reddit, I’d like to you ask you: how normal/common is it for a healthy man in his late 20s to get soft during sex?
My bf gets soft doing sexual stuff with me but has no problem getting hard on his own and we are apart.
A little bit of context: I (28F) am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend (28M) for 6 months now. We “met” online in the beginning of last year and since then, we talked every day until we met each other in the end of the year. All this time we shared what we like and what we don’t like in bed, our fantasies and everything, I’d say we are pretty good at talking about it.
We’ve been doing stuff over video as well and his dick seemed to work perfectly. It gets pretty hard, fast and he has no problems to cum.
The problem is, since the first time we met in person, that’s not how it works.
– He has problems in keeping it hard during foreplay: he doesn’t know how he likes to be touched (he said he never received a hand job before although he has been with ~20 women before) and I can tell he feels pressured (or maybe uncomfortable) trying to explore that with me
– I love giving BJs and all this time we’ve been talking, he expressed how much he loves it and craves it but when we are together, he can’t relax. Only a few positions will work for him (fine by me) but most of the time he goes soft because he’s afraid that he’s hurting me somehow (I reassured him he wasn’t, that I was enjoying); when the positions works for him, I can tell he gets really hard for a while and then soft because he’s stressed about “taking too long to cum” and I’m gonna get tired. I told him I want to please him and if it’s going to talk a while, I’m okay with that: and also told him I’m well aware thar not all men can cum from BJ so if he doesn’t, that’s okay, we can do other stuff or nothing at all, it’s up to him. Still, he cannot relax.
– When we are having PIV sex, if we change positions, he goes soft. Basically we can only do one or two positions (I can work with that, they feel good), but if someone his dicks “slips” out, then he get soft;
– If I cum during PIV, he goes soft
– He likes when I sit on top of him (without penetration) and ‘hump’ his cock; I like that too but if I cum first and need a minute or two to recover myself, he gets soft and we can’t do anything else;
I’ve tried to talk about it with him but I can only go where he allows me to go. I asked him if I’m doing something wrong, if I smell, if my body doesn’t feel that good, but he says is not that.
He says he’s super attracted to me, that he loves me and it’s just how his body is. He said his friends also experience that.
He also said that he had a bad experience with his ex (she wasn’t into sex, apparently) and that basically he had to jerk off alone the entire relationship.
I love him and I desire him a lot but I’m so sad about all this, every time we see each other, I leave wanting more because I’m not fully satisfied. I feel like we cannot finish what we started and I really have the need to cum with him inside of me. So basically we see each other every other month and I’m just as needy as I was before.
I haven’t been with that many men (less than 10) but I I’ve never listened to complaints about how I do stuff. I’m getting so frustrated about this that I reached out a few of my exes and asked about my “performance” and they said I should relax about it (I didn’t mention my bf situation).
So men who experience that or something like that: what should I do?
4 comments
Erectile dysfunction is complicated. And it usually don’t have ANYTHING to do with what the woman is doing. If you can rule out a ED from health standpoint it Sounds like a psychological induced ED. He is probably overthinking it Or another factor could be if he masturbates or watch too much porn that can affect maintaining an erection also. I would get him to see a doctor first and the doctor could prescribe him som ED meds to help or he could try to go cold turkey on porn if he is watching that. In my opinion it’s RARE that it’s anything that a woman is doing. A woman can do the slightest thing and turn on a man.
honestly sounds like he could use a beer or two
As others have pointed out, it’s probably psychological. Which means adding a mental load, e.g. asking if it’s you or suggesting a doctor is probably going to start spiraling more and he would feel even more pressure to perform which gets into his head and doesn’t have the desired result you are looking for.
My suggestion, focus on intimacy and try to actually avoid genital play. Make it a game.
Do other stuff.
Like everyone else, it’s probably a mental thing. Is he always in his head/over thinking alot of the time? Or is naturally anxious or a noticeable shift in his anxiety levels when sex is propositioned or initiated? If so I had this. It took a while to click out of it for me but once I could get past that metal block and/or performance anxiety I was fine. Another tell tale is shaking/shivering limbs. Other than seeing a therapist, taking the pressure or anxiety out of sex may help.