Those who have amazing, mutually beneficial relationships, what makes it that way?

11 comments

1. Yes to everything. For me, it all starts before you even get together. I set some expectations that were non-negotiable. If he was unable to adhere to that, then there was no point in getting together. I have a lot of things tying me to where I live, and he does not. We only live about 3 hours apart but I needed him to know that I could not move to him, and it would have to go to the other way around. Same thing with prenups/marriage issues, everything was settled before we got together/became serious. It may seem strange to do this before you’re even super sure you’ll work out but it helps.

   When we get frustrated with one another, we never raise our voices. We have both agreed if a disagreement ever gets to name calling we will separate for an hour or so and come back to. We give each other ample room to discuss their grievances, and then the other will go. Often times we text each other versus speaking so we feel more comfortable and can really plan what to say it a constructive way. (This is great for me because sometimes I get very defensive when I feel I’m getting dogged on and I’m like a shit-slinging monkey and everything goes up in flames..) I’m more likely to get upset over something than he is but even if I realize later on it was very stupid to be upset over, he still understands my feelings completely.

   We have had almost the exact same family dynamic so we take things in a similar fashion. I’ve never met someone that is on the same page as I am in the way he is. When you agree on most things, like how to communicate, etc. you will most likely never have hiccups. Be constructive with your complaining/nitpicking. Give ways you’d like the behavior to be fixed rather than just complaining.

2. For my life, individual therapy for all parties and having had enough life and relationships that have ended to have some interpersonal wisdom.

3. Lots of HEALTHY communication, working as a team vs the problem not me vs her, both being open minded, both willing to compromise, genuinely liking one other.

4. Our core values are in sync, we have a lot of common interests, and we’re able to communicate with each other completely openly and honestly. And we genuinely care about each other’s well being and what will improve our lives together and separately.

5. I’m a very straightforward person by nature and so I didn’t beat around the bush when I asked him to be in a relationship with me. I think that helped me out a lot. We were friends for about 2 years before I started having feelings for him. I told him from the start that my time is valuable to me and that I’d only like to spend it in a serious relationship and fortunately, he was the same.

   Right from the first date, we laid out our boundaries, ground rules, and dealbreakers to respect each other and if either of us weren’t ok with them then the relationship would end there without us having invested much into it. It’s best to be as clear and specific with laying EVERYTHING out here because you don’t want to be the person who spends like 5 years together and breaks up over something small that could’ve been resolved at the beginning. I wanted to be the person that understood him the best and him to be the one that understood me the best. To do that, we’ve always been communicative and transparent about pretty much everything, with nothing held back.

   If we’re dissatisfied about something with each other or the relationship, it always comes out with a discussion on how we make it better. We have differences in opinion or disagreements but never any full-blown fights or arguments. Probably attributes to the fact that we made sure our values aligned at the start. For the 7 years we’ve been together, neither one of us have ever raised their voice at each other (not out of anger or during a disagreement, anyways). We also always follow a rule of never going to bed without having resolved conflicts as well, which is a really good one.

   I think it’s also really important to keep the romance going no matter what. The honeymoon phase is over at some point and so both sides will have to put work into keeping the relationship fresh and satisfying. Planned dates every week, thoughtful gifts every now, and regular complements about their appearance (PLEASE COMPLIMENT YOUR MAN, THEY DON’T GET ENOUGH) or some other characteristic about them go a very long way. Keep the sex healthy and regular for the best results too. No, like seriously. So many couples these days walk around not having it and I’m baffled.

   Some other areas of your life might need to compromise on to achieve these things but trust me, it’s so worth it to prioritize the relationship if your partner is willing to go the distance with you.

   Super long blurb but I hope it’s helpful.

6. We communicate really well by just being honest with each other. I never have to worry about what he’s thinking and vise versus. We have common interests but we also have super different interests as well, so we learn a lot from each other

7. #1 – know what you will or won’t put up with and stick to those. The moment you start to brush your own needs under the rug in favour of theirs, that’s when resentment starts.

   Open, honest and CLEAR communication. None of this passive aggressive, mind-reading nonsense. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

   Think US vs the problem, not me vs you. The moment you start to try and prove the other is wrong is when things break down.

   When things are thoroughly discussed/resolved, squash it. People routinely bring up old issues during arguments because it was never fully resolved in the first place.

   Do what you say; even if it means you don’t really want to — this is compromise. It’s so important to learn how to compromise for the betterment of your relationship.

8. one of the biggest factors in my relationship is experience. we’ve both experienced the best and worst of what interpersonal relationships can look like, and we’ve learned from those experiences. we have learned how to be good partners and good roommates.

   we are also evenly matched in many ways. we’re both financially successful and independent, we both have degrees and professional careers, and i’d say we’re intellectual equals. that eliminates a lot of tension that can occur in relationships.

9. >Is it lots of communication? Common interests? Not nitpicking or complaining much?

   Yes. Not much. About relationship, no. We bring each other happiness.

10. Being an oak in those things that mean everything and being a willow in those things that don’t.

    I have vastly different hobbies than my husband…but we both know enough about the other to hold interesting conversations or understand achievements in them. I was on a road trip with our younger son and spied a car, well off the road, with a for sale sign. Had my son turn back and I spoke to the gentleman about the car and called my husband on the spot to tell him I found a parts car for a good price on the Stage 1 GS he was restoring. The man said he didn’t often find a woman so knowledgeable about and so into the best generation of performance cars. My then 24 year old interjected…my mom could not care less about muscle cars, but my dad loves them and so she knows *all* about them. ALL about them.

    That sums it up! He does the same for me. I’m on a lovely two way street. He is my protector and my rock. He tells me I’m the only person on earth who he cares about their opinion on most topics.

    We practice active listening, supporting each other and being grounded in who we are so we always show up completely authentic.

    I earn the money and he makes our home hum so my time out of the office is high quality and not chore/cleaning oriented.

    We travel (we are in Germany today for our annual big trip and return to the US in nearly a month) and explore new and favorite places with our own POV, enriching the experience for the other.

    He can be completely vulnerable and emotionally naked with me, the same for me. He turns me on like a set of stadium lights and makes me feel there isn’t anyone else on earth.

    Our conversations are real, meaningful and we don’t talk in codes, eye rolls or sighs. We say what we mean and we mean what we say…very Horton hears a Who. Avoiding issues builds resentment…we are building a marriage, so we talk.

    32 years on the cusp of 34 total & I love him more now than when I said I do.

    Amazing? I don’t know. Because we work and put forth effort. Rewarding? YES! We are reaping our investments in one another. But it’s not without tuning up on a regular basis.

11. Neither one of us actually need the other. We are both successful professionals who can cook, clean, and manage our adult lives completely independently.

    But life is a lot better and easier being partners.

    We have different strengths that always seem to compliment. I’m better at long term planning and juggling a lot of things at once. He’s better at staying on top of routine stuff than needs to be done and doing things like clockwork. Our dynamic tends to be that I set direction but he gets it done.