potential NSFW warning I don’t know if that is a rule on this sub.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and it has been great until this event. We are pretty much opposites, she is a “Party Girl” for lack of a better term and i’m more introverted. This hasn’t ever been a major issue in our relationship I only mention it because my girlfriend is way, way more into the club/ party scene than I am so it’s possible that this particular thing is normal in her social circle.
This past weekend my girlfriend and a group of her friends, a mix of guys and girls, went out clubbing. I don’t usually go with her because I have sensory issues and get overwhelmed by loud noises, but I always encourage her to have fun. She stayed out a little later than usual, she usually is home by midnight and always texts me to update me throughout the night as I do like to hear that she is having fun. Around 1 AM hadn’t received a text from her and let her know I was heading to bed.
well sometime in the middle of the night around 2-3 I received a snap from one of her guy friends with the caption like “Damn, your girl is a freak” along with a video of someone pouring alcohol down another girl’s chest and my girlfriend drinking it, that part was harmless fun. I’m not gonna get mad over it. what happened next was my girlfriend proceeded to pull down the woman’s top and play with her breasts/ lick them (sorry I’m trying not to be too graphic). I was confused but did have enough sense to save the video.
I confronted my girlfriend the day after as I knew she would be hungover and her reaction was to call me a baby. She claims what she did wasn’t cheating and that kind of thing is normal between girls. And went on to say she doesn’t even like girls like that.
The thing is I absolutely consider what she did cheating, but her and even some of her other friends insist this is just something that girls do when they’re partying so I shouldn’t take it so serious. so my question is, is this actually a normal thing that girls do when they party?
TLDR: GF of 2 years did something sexual with a girl at a club insists it’s normal and wasn’t cheating.
EDIT: wow, I made this post before I left for work and did not expect this many responses.
I would just like to say thank you everyone for the kind words and advice. After reading everyone’s comments I’m starting to realize it doesn’t matter if this behavior is normal or not. I think I was just trying to convince myself that if she really didn’t think this was cheating then we could salvage things. This is a boundary for me and if she doesn’t respect that I’ll end things.
Several of also brought up the possibility that she could be doing much worse than this, so for now I honestly don’t know what i’m going to do but we have alot to talk about. I may update after we talk I don’t know yet.
26 comments
Eff that your gf is gaslighting you. Maybe it’s common in her friend group but you are right to be pissed. It’s NOT normal. If you put up with this then who knows what else she’s going to try. Plus, if she sent that to you without hesitation then what else did she do that wasn’t capture on video???
If you are introverted, and she is a party girl, this was never going to end well. This alone makes me suggest ending things.
If you consider it cheating, it doesn’t matter what she thinks about it.
So tell her next time you’re at a party you’re gonna do that with girls and see her reaction. “It’s different because it’s girls” Why? It’s the same to me, it’s cheating and disrespectful behavior. This stigma that’s somehow okay for girls to behave like this is mental to me
Cheating is cheating no matter the gender. What else do you think your freak of a gf does ?
There’s all sorts of stuff she probably doesn’t consider cheating.
Let’s assume she’s telling the truth that she doesn’t feel that way about women. If she doesn’t consider it cheating because, for her, it’s not sexual, then let’s assume she’s telling you the truth.
In that case, there are two issues I would have. One, it’s still disrespectful to you for her to touch someone else like that, even if they’re both straight women. I personally wouldn’t care that much, but it’s valid if you do.
The bigger issue for me would be the fact she’s doing this with other guys around. That would be a big no-go for me. She’s doing this to put on a show for other guys, and that is incredibly disrespectful to you. The fact her guy friends were filming your girl doing that is the predictable outcome and she knew this.
Bottom line is that’s definitely crossing a boundary for a woman in a relationship and, if it were me, I would break up with her so fast it would make her head spin. If she wants to be one of those girls who needs all the male attention on her, then let her have it. There’s no way in hell I would stick around though.
Ask here how would she feel if YOU were playing with another woman breasts? Normal?
Party girls are fun until they are not and you are there.
If it’s a Tuesday for her, what her saturdays look like?
Here’s my take on this: what your gf did was 100% sexual. If she’s not in to girls, then she did that to get a sexual charge from the guys. Either way, it would be a red flag bigger than a Russian/China alliance.
If you don’t want a party girl. Stop chasing them.
whatever she calls what she did is irrelevant if you don’t want a girlfriend that does that.
you don’t need her to agree with you on why you don’t want her as a girlfriend anymore
If a guy did this to her, would she consider it just “standrd fun”?
If you did this to a girl, would she consider it normal fun, not even worthy of being brought up?
Nope. That’s just trying to manipulate you
If she fundamentally doesn’t view it as cheating, there is nothing you can, or even should do about it. Now, a partner who genuinely cared about you would at the very least listen to and respect your opinion, even if they disagree with it. The fact that she called you a baby and claimed this behavior is normal (it isn’t, it’s just normal in her bubble) is to me an even bigger issue. If you can’t communicate through situations like this, there is no future in this relationship.
Here is another thing to consider. She has spent dozens If not hundreds of hours at this point in exactly the same situations, with you being nowhere around. This is the first time you have found out about something, that does not mean this is the first time something has happened. What else does she not consider cheating? How many times has it happened? Do you trust her even a little bit at this point?
Here’s the thing about relationships. If *you* think it was cheating then it was cheating. And if she thinks it wasn’t cheating, then you guys have a pretty major incompatibility in your relationship.
I mean, sure, there are A LOT of girls out there who would think that was pretty normal, and there are a lot of boyfriends out there who would love to see their girlfriend licking another girls cheat.
But there are also a lot of girls who would never do that, and a lot of guys who wouldn’t like it. There are even girls out there who would do things like that when they’re single, and not when they’re in a relationship.
The real question isn’t whether it’s normal for girls to do that when they’re clubbing. It’s *do you want to be in a relationship with a girl who thinks this behavior is acceptable and normal, and who belittles you when you raise concerns?*
I think you can do better.
you are allowed to have your own dealbreakers in your relationship. this is as good of a deal breaker as any. you don‘t owe her a relationship and you don‘t have to be in this relationship if you don’t want to.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL FOR GIRLS TO DO THIS WHEN THEY PARTY. Let me make that absolutely clear. Your concerns are legitimate. You’re not being a baby.
Let’s say one of the guys shouted “you two make out” and your gf did so on video. She says “but I’m not attracted to girls so it doesn’t count”.
Well she was doing it to please the guys in the group. That makes it skeevy as shit.
She’s doing that to turn on the guys she is out drinking with, and they are sending you videos of it to mock you.
> She claims what she did wasn’t cheating and that kind of thing is normal between girls
Right, so as someone who did do his fair share of clubbing back in the day. It’s the kind of things girls do to impress guys. If you had 4 girls drinking in a club alone no one would be sucking booz off another’s tits. That’s the kind of behavior that they engage in when there’s a few guys around buying drinks and the girls are trying to show off and impress the guys.
Also, it’s not normal behaviour. It happens, sure, but it’s not at all “normal”. One thing I would mention though, there’s a certain set of club going people for whom this would be considered a normal occurrence, in that it’s the same group of people doing the body shots every week. But most people who go to clubs do not see or engage in this kind of behaviour, at all.
But the whole point here is that it does not actually matter if it’s normal. It’s behaviour that you are NOT ok with her engaging in (and I’d be right there with you) and as a result regardless of if she thinks it’s OK or cheating, you think it’s cheating and that’s good enough.
In my opinion, that’s cheating. And I think the important part is whether you think it’s cheating. She should listen to how you feel. However, I think the biggest part of cheating is the (knowing) betrayal of trust. So the question people are getting at: whether or not you should break up with her, depends on whether you feel you can still trust her. If she genuinely didn’t think it was cheating and she says she would never do it again and would never do something that you think is cheating, then I think there’s a realistic path to continuing a relationship. But if she continues to deny it being cheating and continues to not listen to you, then that’s just her showing you that she’s not a good partner and you should move on.
>kind of thing is normal between girls
I mean, it’s pretty normal between *lesbian* girls. Women will sometimes kiss one another, but I’ve never touched another woman’s breasts or vice versa, because I’m not attracted to women and that would be sexual assault without her consent.
What you’re describing is definitely not ‘normal between girls’ and the fact that she’s trying to gaslight you into thinking that is fairly amusing. This isn’t an episode of Orange is the New Black. You’re describing the kind of sex show people would pay money to witness.
Second thing: you both determine what constitutes ‘cheating.’ Some couples operate on the assumption that porn is cheating. If you think of this behavior as cheating- or even if you don’t- you don’t need to make a criminal case to break up with someone. If you don’t like what she did and you want that to be a boundary, you need to tell her that and if she disagrees then you break up. Simple as that.
Honestly though, laughing at you, calling you a ‘baby’ and then gaslighting you into thinking this is ‘normal’ female behavior is a pretty strong case for breaking up, regardless of her other actions.
I would ask her if that means this group has seen her breasts since you started dating.
My friends and I have never done that for fun – even when we were much younger.
I’d be even more concerned about the fact that she appears to have done this sexual act primarily for attention from other men. That’s a massive red flag for me.
Wtf… we girls do this? Wasn’t aware 💀 if you feel like is cheating, that she did something wrong (which she did, did not respect boundaries at all) then yes, she cheated. Leave that trashy person that doesn’t take your feelings into consideration. My boyfriend and I have had a similar conversation about this, even a small kiss same sex or not is a no no, the only person you should be getting any type of intimate with is your partner.
The fact she is a “party girl” is already a red flag.