Howdy ya’ll. I have a situation that I’m a little frustrated about. A lot of what I’m saying is gonna be paraphrased from what I remember from these nights a couple months back.
I met this women, named Carlie, on St. Patrick’s day. I approached her at a local bar when my friend group and I went out. We got to talking and she said “how old are you? you look pretty young” I told her 23, she laughed and said she was 35. I asked her what’s wrong with that and she just smiled and said “I’m recently divorced, and I’d like to find something more serious eventually”
I told her that cool, but that women my age aren’t it for me (which is true, mostly due to my past relationships) So why don’t we both try something different? She laughed again, and asked me what I do, and other general questions when courting people.
By the end of the night, she was definitely more tipsy than I was. I told her I would drive her home and she said “you like to move fast” and I said it’s not like that, but I can call you an Uber if that makes you more comfortable. She said I could drive her.
When I dropped her off, I left her my number instead of asking for her’s and told her “no pressure” and she smiled and told me goodnight.
Lo and behold, I got a text from a number a couple days later while at work, it was her, and she asked “what are your intentions here?” And I told her “No matter what I say, you’re gonna be skeptical. So are you gonna give me a chance to show you?”
She asked what I had in mind, and I told her I’d love to cook for her and we can watch a movie (I’m avid blu ray/4K collector so it’s right in my ballpark) she came over the following weekend, and I made chicken Alfredo and we watched the new Elvis movie.
After the movie was over, I made my move and eventually we got to it and it’s the best sex I’ve ever had. I don’t know if it’s because she has more experience, but things clicked with her immediately.
Ever since that night, we have been seeing each other very low key for the next couple months and I really started to like this women.
Fast forward to last Sunday night, she said we needed to stop seeing each other. I was confused and I asked her if she could explain.
She says that I’m a great guy, but that I’m not ready for a relationship with her. She admitted she loved the “ego boost” she got from being with a younger guy, and she was sorry for not being upfront about it, but that realistically it wasn’t gonna work.
I’m frustrated. Because on one hand, I have a great job that pays me in the 6 figures range, I have a house, I have investments, no college debt, etc. like I have my shit together and I was very serious about Carlie. I don’t like women my age because I feel a lot of them play games (not just a women thing by the way, my boys are just as bad) and I really liked the idea of dating older.
Was I just basically used? Did I just get invested too early? Should I keep trying with older women?
Thank you all in advance.
TLDR: met an older women at a bar a couple months back, we hit it off and had been seeing each other for a couple months, and then she broke it off with me, and told me I’m not ready for her, which confused me because I have my shit together.
13 comments
>I’m frustrated. Because on one hand, I have a great job that pays me in the 6 figures range, I have a house, I have investments, no college debt, etc. like I have my shit together and I was very serious about Carlie. I don’t like women my age because I feel a lot of them play games (not just a women thing by the way, my boys are just as bad) and I really liked the idea of dating older.
None of this entitles you to a relationship the other person doesn’t want.
Its not weird of her to want a guy your own age. Like you say, young people are immature and play games. Any 35 year old trying to date young is either not looking for anything serious, or trying to take advantage and deeply immature themselves.
If you want to date a mature person, date a mature 23 year old. Because mature 35 year olds don’t want to date what is essentially a child (I’m saying this at 33. I’m sorry but at a certain point too young is just too young and it gets creepy)
So you meet a grown-ass woman who is totally clear with you she’s not ready for anything serious, you date for a few months, and she decides it’s not gonna work for her long-term, then she tells you so, plainly and directly.
And you *still* accuse her of using you or game-playing.
She just told you what she wanted. And you weren’t it. That’s *sad*, but not a betrayal.
That was successful communication. You had a good time for a while, you had some basic compatibility, but once she knew it wasn’t for her, she told you.
Maybe the problem isn’t your income or the age range. Maybe the problem is you need to learn to handle rejection. Most connections with anyone of any age, are gonna just not quite work out.
No offence at all OP, but she’d probably be embarrassed by the relationship. 12 years is a big gap when you’re in your early 20’s and she’s in her mid 30’s. It would be her that would be judged about it, so that’s maybe what she’s thinking.
No matter how much cooler and more mature you think you are than other people your age, you’re still 23.
She gave it a shot and didn’t feel good about it, so she called it off.
This is very likely to happen when you try to date someone 10+ years older than you when you’re in your early 20s. If you want to date older, try like, 27ish. Not 30+.
She behaved admirably and did nothing wrong. Getting rejected is part of life, and it’s on you to swallow your disappointment snd keep trying.
I agree with the other posters – you dated, she broke it off. The end.
I think you are giving short shift to people your own age. If you have it together what makes you think someone else isn’t out there who is the same? It may take some dedicated looking (not in bars), but a rare person is worth waiting for. Don’t date an entirely different age group. It rarely ends well for a myriad of reasons.
Sounds like she was up front with you about this just being a fling, you got attached, and when she realized it, she broke it off for your own good.
You might have yourself together in a professional level, but the fact is 23 is barely mature. You still have a lot to learn, and you probably aren’t ready for the kind of relationship a 35 year old with one marriage behind her wants.
Sounds like she was up front with you about this just being a fling, you got attached, and when she realized it, she broke it off for your own good.
You might have yourself together in a professional level, but the fact is 23 is barely mature. You still have a lot to learn, and you probably aren’t ready for the kind of relationship a 35 year old with one marriage behind her wants.
My only issue with her is that she laid it on you instead of owning that it was her with the problem with the age gap. I, as a woman, would have had a problem with that gap too but I would have said it was me. She can’t really know if you’re ready or not to have a relationship with her but she obviously isn’t into it and in the end, that’s the important part.
If she just wanted FWB and saw you getting attached, then you *couldnt* handle it in the way she needed you to. It is entirely fair for you to want a relationship. But it’s also entirely fair, especially when someone has just gone through a divorce, to just want sex. And it’s entirely fair for her to break it off with you when it becomes obvious you want more, in an attempt to keep the amount of hurt she will cause you to a minimum.
It sucks, but that’s how it goes. It wouldn’t have been better if she had seen you falling in love and strung you along, would it?
She is not the only older woman in earth. If you are more mature than your age and like what an older woman can offer, keep looking. She might regret her decision. You most likely will not when you find the right one.
It sounds like Carlie was very honest with you from jump, articulating her doubts about your suitability for one another at each step. You two had a spark, but after giving it a try, she maturely decided that it wouldn’t work. That’s how dating is; her looking for “serious” doesn’t mean an automatic commitment to anyone she goes out with, but rather that when it’s not right she’s going to keep looking. Sorry you tried shooting your shot and it didn’t work out, better luck next time.
(The focus on how much money you have is very unbecoming NGL. Comes off as though you feel that your financial situation and general Cool Guy vibes should buy you extra chances. Money and stability just aren’t the same thing as mileage and expertise.)
I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship.
You weren’t used.
Soul searching is needed.
20s is to find yo self.