Lesbian relationship here. Now that I’ve considered leaving my GF is all of the sudden super affectionate after just 1 week she says she’s healed, and super aroused and has sought no type of therapy/guidance. Any type of break up content she sees on social media she instantly is “aroused” and all over me begging me not to leave. I’m emotionally and mentally checked out at this point because it seems unbelievable, she is now begging to have sex. Because she’s either wanting to keep me or because for the first time ever I’m disinterested and focusing on my own healing.
It’s been years of struggling in the bedroom, affection and intimacy, and I’m just not believing any of this. Maybe if it was more gradual but at this point she’s getting very physical and aggressive and begging and even going to the length of masturbating every night.
We also have issues around me carrying us financially majority of the time, all of the sudden she wants to work. So far mentally it doesn’t even seem like she can take working. She doesn’t have much of her own, our modest lifestyle is really all because of me. She says she doesn’t care about money & loves me but it’s all seeming too predictable.
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I’ve had a similar thing happen to me. Was also my first real relationship (I looked at your last post). Went through about a year with my long-term GF where she basically stopped wanting sex with me (which I could actually live with for a while but she also got mad when I watched porn), plus a bunch of our other problems got really bad. She was generally quite unstable mentally and that put a huge strain on the relationship. The sex problems where just a final nail in the coffin, though she had always had problems with her sexuality as well.
Anyway, when I said we have to break up because literally nothing is working anymore, she pretty much panicked I think. Every time we had a fight she would start to talk about how all this is due to her not wanting sex, would try to aggressively start to try turning it into sex or just undress and tell me to just fuck her already, stuff like that. The way she behaved was absolutely crazy and, frankly, frightening.
This was more than 4 years ago and back then I also tried to fix things and keep us together for way longer than was healthy. To this day I haven’t had a new relationship again, all I can deal with are flings. I still have major trust issues and some sexual issues that I attribute to this experience. Leaving was extremely hard and I was depressed for probably a full year, but it was the best decision ever. You cannot be a therapist and a partner for the same person.
TL;DR you can’t fix this person, especially with all the other mental problems and *especially* if she refuses to seek help. It all sounds like it’s beyond repairing. Just leave as soon as possible or it will just continue to fuck with your head.
And by the way – also taken from your other post & a thing I experienced too – just because someone is in a bad place or had a horrible experience does not mean you have to just accept everything they do that hurts you. Especially with serious, emotionally damaging things like infidelity. Even when not done deliberately, it can still be a form of manipulation. “I know I cheated on you honey, and I’m really sorry, but you have to keep in mind I’m a bigger victim than you.” No.
It’s called love bombing.
The dead bedroom isn’t fixed. She’ll go back to who she is after you stay a while.
A rollercoaster ride that isn’t fun. She’s all healed in a week huh?
She doesn’t want to lose you…but this doesn’t seem healthy.
No one deserves their partner withholding affection… I’m sorry OP. Trust how you feel.
I believe this is called love bombing. It’s a form of manipulation that’s intended to make you feel like everything is better than ok. It doesn’t actually fix anything for the most part and if you’ve already checked out, then the best thing you can do for your own mental health is move on
Calling this lovebombing is a bit dramatic. She realized her behavior might cost her the relationship and is trying to hold it together. Do you trust she’ll have the **discipline** to keep at those things once the immediacy fades?
One of two things is happening here:
1. She’s over compensating to try and keep you around and likely if you relent and stay with her she will lapse back into her old ways.
2. Your efforts to extricate yourself have actually shown her that she’s not been pulling her weight and she’s realised truly how much she doesn’t want to lose you and is panicking and going over the top in a effort to over-correct.
I would hope the latter is the case – and I would think so based on your line about you financially carrying both of you and now her wanting to work. That speaks to more than just sex and it is likely that you pulling away/wanting to leave have shown her just how much she’s been taking you for granted.
If you genuinely are decided, then you need to leave. Make a clean break of it, if it’s too little too late for you.
However if any part of you is hesitant to leave then you need to get yourselves to couples counseling. You need to be able to air out your resentment over her lack of engagement up until this point and she needs to articulate exactly what has caused this newfound energy sexually and her new motivation to pay her way.
I don’t blame you for being skeptical – years of nothing and suddenly a miracle turn in one week? The question will be does she have the discipline to move forward long term and show you she actually values you as more than just a wallet? Will she look for a job, keep it, and perhaps start treating you once in a while? I don’t mean expensive gifts, but even just the occasional date night out for a drink.