I was clingy, because of my cursed fear of abandonment (due to childhood bullying & being a second generation immigrant while although having western values feel like a complete cultural outsider with an identity crisis who doesn’t fit anywhere). I developed an emotional bond with her due to our highly sensitive personalities but my social anxiety causes me to over reach out while she is more likely to withdraw. My texts after I feared abandonment is just filled with groveling begging her to let me know if I had said or done anything or to at least provide closure. It was a vicious self fulfilling prophecy.
I’ve had a huge emotional breakdown after learning I was blocked but now I just feel so numb. I’ve been going to therapy for years to deal with my childhood trauma but I have no idea how to trust myself again. I feel different enough as is because of how many people view my ethnicity (Somali) and the childhood trauma on top of that but now knowing a good friend probably sees me as a creep is almost too much to handle.
How the fuck do I even get close to people?
45 comments
Jesus…
It feels like your childhood fear of abandonment, and this situation, are working together to truly hurt you.
Things are gonna feel raw, rough, and intense. This’ll be a great chance for you and your therapist to really work through your thoughts and feelings.
Tangentially, I would take a peek at r/limerence , if you think that’ll help you sort through some things.
And of course r/bropill is truly a glorious safe-haven for new thought patterns.
…Ultimately, this is gonna be an experience you’re gonna go through. I’m interested to see how you come out the other side.
Sounds like you relying on one person for your happiness… never good dawg
Hey man. Don’t be as hard on yourself as the people responsible for hurting you in the first place. I know how much harder that is to do than to say, but it’s a truth of yours that you will benefit from believing in. We aren’t the culmination of our issues. Fuck, everyone has something they are recovering from. We might not be as quick to admit it, some refuse to believe it, and some don’t believe it’s there when it’s right under the surface. Your self awareness is a good trait to have and I think you should try to use your kindness and understanding to your advantage. Start with being more kind, aware and understanding of your own needs. It sounds like you’ve got a pretty good idea. How you described it as Self fulfilling prophecy means you were likely aware on some level that your words, while you felt the need to express yourself, you we’re already perceiving that they might not fall on ears that would hear them the way you intended. This is absolutely fixable. Sometimes, saying less is more. Give yourself some practice and try reading to yourself what you’d like to really say before you say it. Again, much easier said than done. But you’re here instead of blowing up her phone or Facebook or her friends, so you’ve got more going for you than you think. Again, practice self kindness, try to understand what you need from a Conversation before you begin talking and then be respectful of how others feel about it-and their boundaries. These are all things you can do right now to help yourself sort through it. Hope this helps! You’re gonna be just fine. If you can meet one like her and be blown away by her kindness, there are likely many more who will show you the same opportunity. Just be yourself. To do that you gotta be comfortable with yourself. To do that you have to know where you stand on, well, yourself. And you’ll get there by believing in your best while acknowledging your flaws and accepting that they may or may not always be there to bring you down.
That’s wild.
lots of context missing here. what was your relationship with her to begin with? how long did you know her? what kind of scenarios were you seeing her in? can’t really offer anything without that kind of info
You are insecurely attached. She was attachment avoidant. Or at least that’s the impression that your text gives off. Have you dealt with that in therapy? Look at YouTube videos on how your (and your partner’s) attachment type explains how they interact with others.
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Hey man this is probably not the advice you want to hear but I feel like it’s worth the potential downvotes
You’re making a ton of excuses for things. I’m not trying to downplay your trauma or experiences in life but the way you’ve wrote this makes me think you hinge on what’s happened to you/your past and ethnicity as a crutch. That’s not attractive to anyone as a mate or even a friend, it sucks to hear but you really gotta get over it yourself before you can allow anyone else in.
It’s honestly no surprise she blocked you with how much pressure you’re putting on the situation and how life or death you make it sound. You’ve probably had a worse run than most of us but that isn’t an excuse to dump on another person, or even remotely fair. Take your struggles and allow them to strengthen you, grow from it and see it as a positive. You’ve been in the shit, but nobody wants to be brought into it.
Again, sorry if this doesn’t land how you want but I’m completely understanding of why she blocked you if you feel the need to play the victim card 100. It sucks, life is shit, but luckily you’re a human so you can change that
It’s always downhill whenever you get too needy or clingy. Women hate that trait bro. I do understand your social anxiety and trauma. It suck and hurt so much i know. Hoping your situation gets better bro.
Watch this video by Dr. K, hes a harvard trained psychiatrist that was hugely helpful to millions of people around the world. No harm in trying… its only 20 mins. If it doesnt help its only 20 mins. The video is your exact same situation. You are not alone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvpDLpCf1jU
——
If this video was helpful, you can watch this one too its kinda relevant.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdFzkWvorwc&t=15s
OP was likely expecting different answers.
To be honest it’s creepy to the other person. Something to work on.
I’m not trying to be mean, I’m really not…but clinginess and constant texting begging for validation and asking why another person won’t talk to you is emotionally exhausting and it also shows that you don’t really understand boundaries. As hard as this is to accept – she isn’t responsible for your fear of abandonment. Yo I are holding her as an emotional hostage and it isn’t a healthy friendship. She removed herself from a toxic situation because she had to take care of her own mental health. I had an ex/boyfriend like that and his obsessiveness and clinginess made me so insane I finally had to tell him to not contact me again because he was making my life hell. It’s selfish. I genuinely feel for you and encourage you to get help – but no one can give you a sense of worth and self-confidence but yourself. Please leave her alone and seek council with a professional- she is not a professional. She’s just a nice girl who was trying to be kind – she didn’t sign up to be your emotional support dog. God bless.
I gives my question is how do we really get over it? I’ve been going to therapy for years and it seems like I just can’t shake it… ;/
Keep on living
Sadly, this is a lesson a lot of us have to learn. You’re not alone in what you’re going through.
The important thing is that you’ve learned something about yourself. You’ve gotten to experience how your attachment style feels in practice, which will make it easier to handle in the future.
Definitely bring this up with your therapist and work together on growth strategies so that you can overcome this.
I have had the same experience so many times. I am also a second generation immigrant with a lot of identity crisis.
Just be yourself, change for no one and never beg for someone’s attention. Happiness comes from within and not from an outside source.
I listen to Alan Watts, his helped me understand more than anyone I know.
Been there, it’s tough, move on.
I promise you will be fine, And find someone who is Perfect!!
Sounds like you were bombarding her with your emotions. Treating her like a therapist and she finally couldn’t take it any more. Think about what she got out of your relationship? What did you do for her? If you are needy because of xyz, work on the neediness instead of constantly excusing it with you past. Sorry if that’s blunt
Same 😭😭😭😭
You will learn from this and re-calibrate your behavior in the future. This was painful but a useful learning experience. If she reacted this way, she probably wasn’t a great fit for you as a friend. And in the future you will find friends who won’t mind giving you some of the reassurance that you need. Let this person go, keep working on yourself (kudos for being so self-aware in the first place) and trust that you will find your tribe/people/person.
Please consider therapy – I wish you the best of luck OP. It’s really worth looking into
Sounds like you need therapy. This isn’t an insult, you have some things to take care of before you’re ready for a relationship. Work through your trauma otherwise people are going to remove themselves from the toxic situations and relationships you put them in.
Journal journal journal and talk to a therapist. Get the pain out. Work through that abandonment. Read codependent no more, it’s a good book.
This is vicious and a cycle extremely hard to break initially. The key to it , as I see, is to formulate relationships with more than 1 person and to not put so much value into an individual. To judge accurately their reliability and emotions so that you can conduct yourself accordingly. If they are flaky and you rely on them, good luck handling that. If they are reliable but emotionally warming as time progress , just be patient to solidify it.
This emotional breakdown you feel must hurt badly. I see so many instances of people having this mindset only to do horrible things to people or themselves due to how vicious and unrelenting the cycle is.
Sounds like you already know where it went wrong. Move on. Don’t do that again. You’re going to have to keep yourself in check with this stuff, and not get in your own head about it or you’re doomed to repeat your old mistake, same as many things in life.
You need to love yourself, before others can love you.
Sincerely, if you can’t see yourself as someone awesome, then how is someone else supposed to do so? Oh and you’re victimizing yourself a lot. That’s extremely unattractive. It does not matter, if you are truly a victim, a man that portrays himself as a victim is simply not attractive.
I’m not saying you cannot have a soft side, but you should be a (slightly soft) rock to rely on, not some flotsam. I would have said all of this in softer words, if you were a woman, but still the same applies.
Love yourself, so others can love you. If you cannot love yourself, then become someone you can love.
I had a very similar situation like this and that kind of gave a lesson to never get too attached to someone. Because most likely people won’t get over it more than a month if they get abandoned. You could have kept your distance a bit from her and try to keep it short, asking if there is something wrong instead of sending multiple messages because she must have felt tired and bored of them. But yeah next time just don’t fall too deeply attached to someone and try and give them some space.
Hey ✌️ It sounds like you’re really going through a tough time, and that majorly sucks. Losing a friend is scary and hurtful. It sounds like you’ve done some reflecting on *why* this has happened, and I think your self-analysis is a great place to start. Before you do anything else though, I encourage you to pause and breathe…
You’ve hit that sweet emotional breakdown. That’s okay. Sometimes we have to hit our limits and fall apart before we can move on to see the bigger picture. I’m no professional, but I think it’s important that you take a while to make sure you feel these emotions. Like, really feel them. I understand your biggest fear, abandonment, is staring you in the face right now with the added hurt that it was something you caused….embrace it. Call your fears and feelings by name, write them out, do whatever you have to do to accept what has happened. After some time, the pain will start to subside. After some time, perhaps you’ll realize that while rejection *sucks ass,* you’re still here. You got through it 🙂
As you move forward, I feel there are some important things to remember. 1) Your friend has to take care of herself, and if enforcing space is what it took for her…then that’s it. I’m sorry you lost a good friend, but the best thing you can do now is respect her space. 2) What happened to you in the past, your traumas? They aren’t your fault at all…but they are now your responsibility to manage. It’s a burden no one wants to carry, but it’s important that we as bruised individuals work through our traumas as best we can. Yes, we do it so that we don’t hurt others, but most importantly we do it because that’s what we deserve, my friend. You deserve that self-compassion and self-love. I’m proud of you for continuing therapy. 3) Try to invest in yourself. Pretty vague advice, so here’s a personal anecdote as an explanation:
I hit a real low point two years ago that made me realize not being honest about my feelings, not enforcing boundaries, and masking my personality in order to be more palatable for others led to my emotions festering and the results were…well, it was a mess. I *hurt* people I cared about in trying to not hurt them. I had that big epiphany, and started to change, at first motivated for the people in my life. But as I gained traction, I realized this was a journey for myself and no one else. It was an investment into my security and happiness. Some things I did that you could maybe try:
– Therapy. You’re already doing this 🎉 My therapist suggested a lot of good things– journaling, mindfulness exercises, grounding techniques
– Being your own cheerleader. This shit is hard. There are times I’m *really* down in the dumps, and the last thing I wanna do is say something like “you did your best, it’s gonna be okay!” But the harsh reality is no one else is going to come around and say those things for you. You have to learn to speak to yourself with gentleness and patience. We’re humans. We’re all kinda fucked up, but what’s important is that you keep trying your best to learn and grow 🙂 You just had a major life event. You have the power to use this as a learning experience, to take a few more steps towards feeling emotionally whole…now say that to yourself, even if you don’t believe it, as many times until it sticks lol
– Find out who you are. Idk, maybe you have a great grasp of who you are…but if you are struggling to feel like a human being, finding hobbies, interests, your sense of humor, your personal style, etc. can be a great way to feel like you’re investing into yourself. It’s also a distraction from other people for a while. After you get to know yourself and like who that person is, you can approach the world with more confidence 🙂
I know that last bit could sound preachy. It’s all waaay easier said than done. And there’s also the simple barrier of me not being you. I can’t fully understand the weight of your experiences nor the severity of your pain. What I can know is that you are valid. Your emotions are valid. I encourage you to work hard to take responsible actions. Work hard to keep moving forward, even if you take 1/16ths inch of a step each day.
I wish you peace in your mind today 🙂
You seem self aware I don’t get why you acted like that? It sounds like you know you were doing wrong but thought she’d take pity or something. That’s not a kind way to treat a friend. You have to take a second and put yourself in the other persons shoes you know she has her own life and stuff going on. Inundating her with messages and then getting more and more frantic would freak anybody out. At least you are reflecting on it
I recommend this book. It has been remarkable:
https://www.amazon.ca/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=75272e2b-4ef8-4836-bcff-41a490199ea3
I don’t really have advice. Just wanted to say that this sounds like something I would do.
As someone who’s also gone through shit during their childhood that’s caused some issues with my mental health, its good to acknowledge what happened to you but its not a good thing to use it as a means to justify your behaviour. I went through a bad breakup a couple years ago because of my habit of being emotionally codependent on my partner and my partner just couldn’t handle it. It ended up making them fall out of love with me and her mental health worsened a lot. I couldn’t even notice it because I was too fucking focused on my own feelings and issues. It sucks to hear but it *seems* like you were using your friend as an outlet and as a therapist, and that’s not fair to her. What if she’s going through some shit too? She’s not going to be able to be at her 100% for you *all* the time so she can handle your insecurities as well as her own.
Acknowledge what happened in your past, see how it affects you and how you act, and please, actively do something to better yourself. Talk to a therapist. But most of all you must learn to cope with what happened and let it go. Your past shouldn’t bog down your future.
Hey friend. I’m sorry that happened.
I empathize with you immensely. I also had a childhood that didn’t meet my needs. So to you, I say, I’m sorry that was the case. It wasn’t your fault.
I want to caution you against the advice of others that are telling you to look up this or that psychology term. They are coming from a good place but if you are like me, the desperate search for a term or diagnosis only brings temporary relief and often causes more ruminating.
Therapy takes time. Keep going. Don’t give up.
And one more thing. This is a hard truth but, no matter how healed you are, no matter how much of your childhood you have overcome, human relationships are difficult. Even people from nice and loving homes have trouble sometimes. Take this as your opportunity not to ruminate. Not to optimize yourself but maybe…things didn’t work out and that’s okay. You are still worthy. You are still deserving. You are loved. You will love and be loved.
Serious question, *were* you being a creep at any point beyond what you wrote here? Because it sounds like we’re not getting the full scope of the thing as is
Best thing you can do is move on. You did nothing wrong. She just wasn’t the one for you. Now is the time for you to work on yourself and meet new people. I would suggest taking some sort of break perhaps by traveling to somewhere else. Things will get better in time and one day soon enough you would have healed emotionally.
That’s the unfortunate thing about relationships is that sometimes they just don’t work out. I understand that we will never truly know the outcome but you do have to be careful before getting into a relationship. I’m sorry about what has happened and I hope that things start to get better for you.
Sounds like you learned a lot about what not to do. You just have to find a good balance of being able to show a friend you care but at the end of the day not relying on that person for your happiness and self worth.
i blocked someone for this reason but instead they kept contacting me through different means and it got to the point he was obsessive and i got scared cuz i had guys show up to my house after break ups before.
learn to take a hint and back off so you don’t seem desperate and even perceived as dangerous
This has nothing to do with the girl. All the work should be done with yourself and only. Therapy is really good but I believe (I am non an expert) that you should form some beneficial to yourself habits. You could try working out every day, starting a fighting art, meditation, spirituality in general. Also cutting out certain acts like fapping, not sleeping enought, lots of screen time etc. I dont know what you do or what you dont thats why I suggested many thinks to do. Wish you to be the best possible version of you! Stay strong!
/u/DapperHamster1 you are literally me a year ago (well im still dealing with it). Bro I wont lie to you its going to be tough. You will start thinking you are worthless and all that. The sooner you accept that that part of your life (with her) is over the sooner you will heal. Delete her from everything. Avoid seeing her. Avoid talking to her. Trust me its the only way. If you want to chat hit me up
I was traumatized from abandonment and neglect. I know how you feel like each person you meet could be the life preserver to stop the lost at sea feeling. What I learned over decades, and this will sound too simple, but you’re not lost at sea, you’re in two feet of water and all you have to do is reach your feet down and you’ll be standing. The metaphor means that really we have to stop searching for validation and safety from any outward sources.
Ultimately you have to make the decision to write your story differently. You will learn that any feelings of safety come from within you. You will spend your whole life with yourself, you will have more conversations with you than with any other person. You can become your own best friend, a good listener to yourself, a confidant, a life preserver of your own.
Really there’s no other way to do it because seeking outward sources of validation leads to codependency or addictive behaviours.
You might need to learn boundaries and how to recognize them both for yourself and others.
You leaned on your issues instead as an excuse and wanted your needs met instead of learning a healthy communication style and learning about the other person and respecting their needs because of your issues. You put pressure on the other person to handle it and give you the environment you need/want.
You should work on how to be a good partner and how to love yourself.
So I’ve been both the person with those tendencies and the person on the receiving end of those types of texts.
First, it can be *very* tiring to have to reassure someone that you’re not mad at them every time they fear abandonment. It’s also not pleasant to see someone you care about essentially debase themselves because you didn’t respond right away. But you feel you can’t tell them that, because you know that will send them into an even deeper spiral of self-loathing. That may be why she did what she did – so she wouldn’t have to exhaust herself reassuring you you weren’t a bad person, feel like shit for pulling away, and have to dance around the reason why for fear of triggering something worse.
Now, as someone who did have those tendencies, I did develop a couple of tricks that helped me manage them (and in my case, lessened them in the long run). While I can’t 100% guarantee they’ll work every time, I would recommend at least trying them for your other relationships.
1) If you think you’ve upset someone, set a timer or note the time. Then wait 1-3 hours. In this time, you are not allowed to contact them unless they contact you first. Take this time to both think of what to say, and think of reasons they may not be responding that don’t involve them being mad at you.
2) If they still haven’t responded after the time is up, send one calm, concise text asking if everything is all right. It should be no longer than a few sentences. Take your time with this, and revise it a few times to remove any begging or pleading. This is the only text you are allowed to send about this issue until they respond. Also, stop immediately and delete it if you notice they’re responding. Wait to see what they have to say.
You need better therapy that doesn’t just focus on your childhood trauma but that also gives you skills to handle living as an adult. I would recommend cognitive behavioral therapy or even dialectical behavioral therapy to give you skills to sit with your intense feelings and not act on them.
Hopefully, the next time you meet someone who is kind you won’t try to drown them in your feelings because you’ll be able to handle most of your feelings yourself.
I am also second generation (Nigeria) and had severe social anxiety that caused a lot of negative thoughts that affected my work and life. But CBT really helped me and I think it will really help you. Next time you see your therapist, be open and honest about the difficulties you’re having with relationships and see if they can help you with cognitive behavioral therapy so that you have better tools.
you experienced the anxious attachment avoidant attachment trap.
Basically your nervous system triggers and feels helpless so the way to soothe yourself is to get closer, pull inwards
Avoidants do the opposite. When they feel their nervous system under attack they retreat and push away.
For an anxious to feel secure, they need reassurance and safety
For an avoidant to feel secure, they need distance and space
See the problem?…