I am going to try my best to remain unbiased and I would appreciate brutal honesty. My girlfriend and I are in our early 20’s and have a son together. We have a fantastic support system consisting of around 10 family members willing to help out with him. We are also both full time college students. It is worth mentioning I have about 3 times the amount of schoolwork that she does.
This results in an uneven split of childcare. I take care of him probably two days a week(with significant help from other family members), and she helps take care of him 3 to 4 days a week(with significant help from other family members). Other family members take care of him without help from either of us for 2-3 days a week, we are very lucky. It’s a bit hard for me to even up the child care time considering my son lives at her house and my increased workload, but I’ll admit I could probably do more.
Now into the reasons I am considering ending the relationship:
(1) She is pretty mean to me and is in a bad mood for a large part of the day. This is the biggest reason. I am kind and loving towards her most of the time, but she is nasty to me a pretty often. It’s not like this all the time. Sometimes she can be pretty fun and sweet, but idk man. It’s bad enough to where even my friends have noticed and ask if things are ok. I’ve brought this up to her many times, nothing has ever changed really. She doesn’t really yell at me, it’s more like just really trying to hurt my feelings and talk smack often.
(2) she gets very jealous of other girls and experiences I have. It will start a fight almost every time I want to do anything. I let her go to clubs, parties and dinners alone with no issue. Whatever she wants within reason essentially. But dude, it’s going to be a slaughter if I try to do the same. She once gave me shit for 2 days because I went out to eat with one of my male friends. To sum it up, any social event I attend will get her angry. I try to justify this behavior by telling myself it’s because I do less child care than her, but if I’m being honest she was the same before my son was born. And don’t even get me started if there is another girl at whatever event I attend….
(3) She comes from an UPPER middle class family and her spending habits worry me. She probably “eats out” in some capacity 8-15 times a week. This is a culture shock for someone who was used to eating out 1-3 times a week. I end up with the bill for many of these. She also goes shopping almost everyday. She doesn’t buy much each time, but it adds up when you do it everyday. She also wants to go on pricy trips and has very high expectations for presents. To sum it up, she sees her parents living an upperclassish lifestyle and wants the same. She does not take into account that we are two unemployed college students and her parents are 98th percentile earners lol. Im very much a saver/investor so we clash pretty heavily on this.
What do you guys think? Remember this is my side of the story and not hers. There will be a lot of unconscious bias in this post. I should also mention that she is a very good mom and is always sweet to my son.
Edit: really appreciate the feedback guys, seems pretty unanimous. I am going to get us in couples therapy, and if that doesn’t work I will break up with her. I am not particularly optimistic lol.
39 comments
I stopped reading on “she’s very mean to me”. Yes, break up dude.
She’s emotionally abusing you, leave.
I think it’s time to have a really serious one on one with her and talk about all these issues and go from there.
Number 1 could be about stress, however not too sure.
Number 2 is absolutely in no way ok. Assuming you both go out the same time. Even if not it is important to keep your friends. Her trying to stop you from meeting friends is super abusive and will end your relationship sooner or later, if it does not change. Leaving you with no friends.
Number 3 well I don’t know about your whole financial situation, who pays for child needs… I would try to split everything 50:50
Considering you have a child makes things not easy. You might need to have a serious talk or could try therapy first for the wellbeing of your child, but staying in an abusive relationship will hurt the child aswell.
Yeah leave her
Dude, you don’t have to justify your reasons for breaking up.
Break up, you can still be an awesome Dad & not be stuck with someone you dont want to be with romantically.
Watching sweetness is assuredly less enjoyable than receiving it. She is an abuser. There is no gender restriction on abusers. Abusers always escalate. She is treating you now, the best that she will ever treat you. Talking to her will have no effect as you know. There are only 2 choices … tolerate her behavior or leave now. You will need the advice of an attorney because of your obligation for child support. Considering the financial standing of her and her family you might be able to avoid the cost to be suffocating. Having the right attorney matters.
How old is your son?
This list, even giving her the benefit of the doubt, is quite concerning. She doesn’t sound like a person that you can be happy with. She is, without doubt, not only waving red flags, but abusive to you. Treating you poorly, jealous and exclusionary, coupled with financial incompatibility – these are 3 reasons that many times, only one is the cause of a breakup. She can be “sweet” to your child, yet set a very poor relationship example.
Don’t coast along with this as the status quo. Either get counseling to see if matters are too far gone or break up. Your son is the most important here, and modeling a loving partnership should be a priority.
She’s so sweet and nice to your son, because he’s your replacement.. just being honest. Woman is a classic narcissist. Get out now, & be more involved with your son. As a narc mom, she’s going to raise him to be her “perfect partner” and he will have difficulty dating when he comes of age.. because she will run every fine off. No one will be “good enough for her son.”
I can sense this by #1. She’s just mean to you & you feel that it’s simply just to put you down..
Aka, she’s trying to diminish your sense of self-worth and see how much disrespect you will take.
Try setting a boundary here, you will be the bad guy, every single time.
#2. You can’t go out, even with male friends, and god forbid there’s another woman in attendance..
Aka, she’s incredibly insecure and constantly worries you’re going to “smarten up” to her manipulation and leave her for “someone better.”
You will never be able to set a boundary here, if you do.. she’s going to tell everyone that you’re cheating on her.. so again, you’re not winning and she’s still a victim.
Leave her & again.. be more involved with your son.
Bro, why you staying with someone who is just mean and controlling to you all the time?
Sounds exhausting. I can’t judge; I’ve put up with worse shit from bad partners, but there’s no reason to stick around.
If you didn’t have a child together, I would say leave but since you have a child together, I would say, leave. If this was happening to one of your friends, what would you say to them?
Cruelty and jealousy and incompatible spending… any one of these are enough reason to break up… if you want to.
It really sounds like she’s emotionally abusive to you, which isn’t acceptable. It’s even worse if she does it in front of your son. Don’t make excuses for her. She’s an adult and she knows better.
You’re only 22. Do you truly want to spend the only life you’ll ever have with a financially irresponsible adult who abuses you?
Women here leave here she’s not good for you and not that this is a reason you mentioned to stay but don’t stay for the kids sake she is very abusive to you and ik its not physically but it still counts your kid needs to be shown what treatment is acceptable from people and she has alot of personal stuff to work on but it sounds like she dosent see a problem with how she is to you and that in itself is a problem I wish you the best
Break up and set up custody.
Dude any one of these reasons is enough to ditch her, don’t stay with somebody who doesn’t make you feel valued.
Yeah #1 is enough to end it. Trust me.
Everyday you stay with someone like that is one day too long.
It’s ok, tough people aren’t for everyone. No you are not overreacting. And no she is not mean. You just don’t mesh emotionally.
You don’t need any reason other than being unhappy to leave a relationship. Red flags may be good reasons to leave, but your happiness is too.
Couple’s Therapy for sure. It sounds like both of you are not communicating in the same language at all. There are subconscious reasons for every habit and red flag that you are both presenting. Also the added stress of a child in the mix can intensify unhealthy communication to the point of arguments and resentment. If nothing else therapy may at least stop the damaging aspects of your communication when it breaks down. You two will always be linked by your child, so regardless of the outcome, healthy communication is best for all three of you.
U can end it for any reason at any time. (Off of title)
Can someone explain how people eat out 8-15 times a week, like twice a day that’s crazy to me. I’ve also grown up in a middle class family but I couldn’t afford that especially not with a child
Why did you have a child with this person, especially at such a young age?
OP,. without a doubt you should end it. Just work to be the best version of yourself that you can and be the best coparent you can.
DNA test the kid,
I think she’s frustrated at the situation- young mum, impacting her life, no money. Apart from blaming herself (which no one ever likes to do) she will blame mostly you for making her end up this way. So she wants to last out at you and control you to make you as miserable as she feels. This is unacceptable and unfair. Have you guys had any conversations about the future and do you plan on living together at some point? Serious convo needed about how things have to change because it’s a bit fantasy world right now- that you’re not allowed friends and the money situ. She knows on some level she can’t do that forever or that it’s making you happy.
Sounds like breaking up might be the best thing for you.
If you have some desire to try and salvage the relationship, I have always found that one of the best responses to anybody making cruel or demeaning remarks is ” why did you say that?”, Or ” why are you trying to hurt my feelings?”.
Not everyone realizes the impact of the things that come out of their mouth, especially when they’re young, dumb and stressed out.
Don’t walk run. This relationship sounds toxic.
Get your ducks in a row, sir. Determine how much time you want with your son. Figure out a custody arrangement that you can live with. Make sure it is clear and leave no room for interpretation. If she is angry or hurt, she will more than likely use your child against you.
From my experience, she may not be angry at you, but she essentially blames you for the predicament she’s in. She regrets being a young mom. Her friends have freedom, and she doesn’t. She wants to pick up and go whenever she wants, but now she can’t. Even if it was a mutual decision to keep the baby, she had to place the blame on someone else. She may outgrow this phase, but probably not.
For the sake of your son, couples therapy is a good start. They can help guide you to have conducive conversations in a controlled environment.
She also sounds like she’s slightly spoiled, and if you can’t provide her the life she’s accustomed to, she’ll resent you for that as well. If the end goal is marriage, she’ll want the 40k wedding, lavish lifestyle, huge house, and still want to spend money like she’s accustomed to.
Does it matter if it’s significant? Clearly you don’t want to be with her
It’s weird she gets jealous of you doing the same things she does. That’s a common behavior on cheaters, they’re scared to death of their partners doing to them the same thing they do.
Go to your local court house FIRST, and start the paperwork for a child custody arrangement. Have that fully inline and ready to be served for when you do break up with her.
Trust me. You’ll need it.
I can’t get past how bad I feel for this kid and the lack of stability he has. How on earth are either of you going out so often to eat, party, clubs, etc, when you only see your kid a couple times a week?
“I let her go to clubs, parties and dinners alone”
Wtf is a 22yo mother of a newborn going to clubs and parties🤨
Drop kick that ass to the curb and co-parent with her. There was no reason for her to be having these fits if you want to go out especially when she’s taking her ass out whenever she wants to how can she spend your money if you’re an unemployed college student . Just know that she is going to make your life I live in hell when you kick that ass to the curb you’re probably going to have to get a lawyer
She sounds awful just on your first point. You’re too young to be stuck feeling this way. Dump her.
If she is going to parties, clubs, and dinners alone and gets mad at you for wanting to go do stuff and insanely jealous than she is probably projecting. In other words she is doing stuff she is not supposed to be doing when she goes out and gets mad that you might do the same. It’s ok for her but not for you. Super big red flag. She is probably at the very least making out with other guys on these nights out or hooking up and is afraid you will do the same. I would get a friend to go to one of these parties or clubs and see how she is behaving. May make your decision much easier.
She lives with your child and you do not. I would say she is likely angry and resentful for having been the “default parent” for the last two years.