We have been seeing each other for almost 2 years now.
We had a rocky start, he was living with someone at the time we met, and the end of that relationship and the beginning of ours is a bit fuzzy.
He is a really good guy, but doesn’t like confrontation and he tends to ignore things that are a headache in hopes that they go away. And they never do.
His biggest love was this girl he met in uni over 20 years ago. They had a complicated relationship as the girl had a boyfriend in a different city at the time, that later became her husband. 7 years ago they rekindled their relationship and had another affair that lasted for 1-2 years. Don’t think they met ever since or spoken much other than making each other wishes, or that’s what he says anyway.
He doesn’t do social media, but he had his Facebook profile that he opened many years ago, that in all fairness didn’t use at all, but the only friend he had on Facebook was this woman. And to make matters worse he must have liked her newly posted photo by mistake, because when I questioned him he didn’t realised that he had done it and said that he shouldn’t have. Had the conversation about either continuing having Facebook but add family, friends and me, or deleted permanently as I felt like the only reason he ever had that account was to check on her. He said he will deleted, but had to challenge him later about that and then he eventually deactivated his Facebook.
He got very defensive about having to close his Facebook and said that he doesn’t use it anyway, and claimed it’s not important to him, but he acted like it was. He also keeps few memory things from her, that when I pointed that they are important to him that’s why he cannot get rid of it, he either gives me the silent treatment or he says he cannot be asked.
I know of her because he used to tell me stories about his uni life, I also know he had the Facebook with just her as a friend from him. He is not necessarily going out of his way to hide things from me, but I think he is still holding on, and the only reason he says he is over her is because he knows she is married with kids, and will never leaver her husband, so ignores everything that he might feel.
I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t want to share my life with someone who wishes he could be with someone else.
How can I communicate my feelings about the whole situation?
3 comments
I don’t think he’d even listen
He’s still stuck in uni with the girl of his dreams and he’s only keeping you around until she does leave her husband
It seems like you already have communicated your feelings about the situation. It’s not going to change the way he feels. He’s also not going to get rid of his stuff. You just have to decide if you’re willing to accept the situation or not.
I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum about getting rid of her stuff. If it was just a couple of mementos from his past, I wouldn’t think that would be a big deal.
But his entire history of their relationship seems really sus. Their relationship was an affair 20 years ago, then again less than 7 years ago. It was always inappropriate to have a Facebook account just to follow her when she was with someone else. Then, it sounds like he took his time ending things with his most recent ex for a while after realizing things were developing with you. From the sounds of all of that, he doesn’t really seem to be somebody with a great deal of respect for the importance of honesty and exclusivity in on-going relationships. That seems like a red flag to me.
Don’t expect a man who is already set in his ways to see your side of things. He sees you as an immature child compared to him. Do yourself a favor and let him go.